(Closed) Extremely depressed over ex out of no where, I need advice

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
198 posts
Blushing bee

Let me get this timeline straight, going from now back:

You’re currently 20, haven’t spoken to him for about 3 years (since you were about 18), dated other people (17?), were engaged to someone you’d been with for 3 years (15-17? being engaged at 17 is ridiculous, I’ve been there and done that and it looks really dumb from the outside looking in) and BEFORE this, you were with this DJ fellow for 3 years, so that puts you maybe 12-15 when you were dating? Is this right?

Seriously honey, you’re 20. I’m pretty close in age to you, I’m nearly 22. I’ve been with my current boyfriend since we were 14 and I would feel a lot of rose-colored-glasses nostalgia if we were to go our separate ways, perhaps many years into the future. “First love” has that effect. 

But for goodness’ sake, girl, you were barely into puberty when the two of you got together. If it didn’t work then and you broke up for years, he’s probably not the love of your life. He was probably your first love, nothing more and nothing less, and that doesn’t mean you should be together at all. 

Besides that, he’s married to someone else, so you’re not going to be with him unless he decides to get a divorce, and being the cause of divorce is not romantic. Drop the idea of him being the love of your life and MOVE ON. He has. 

Furthermore, if you’re feeling this way, you shouldn’t be sucking your new boyfriend down with you. Leave him if the relationship is going to be you half-assing it and moping because you think your ex was the love of your life. He doesn’t deserve that.

And perhaps seek professional help to work through your feelings here. Your relationship with any new guy is not going to be successful if you’re still pining over some guy you don’t even know anymore.

Post # 4
795 posts
Busy bee

Have you considered counseling? Maybe you could figure out why you’re suddenly feeling all this now, so many years later. I’m guessing it has more to do with the fact that you’re making a major life transition (moving in with someone new) than the fact that you actually consider this old boyfriend the love of your life.

On a semi-related note, it may be that you consider him the love of your life simply because you haven’t lived all that much life yet. You’re only 20 many things still to be done, lots of life to live! 

Post # 6
795 posts
Busy bee

Shycat:  I can’t recommend counseling for you enough, then, if it’s an option. I struggled with the and traumatic life events and it’s actually really hard to function in a healthy relationship (not to mention hard to even recognize a healthy relationship) if you’re still trying to cope with those things. It may be that you latched onto DJ so tightly because he was the first good person to you after the abuse, but he’s married and more it’s time to recognize that there are other people out there that will be good to you as well. 

If you go the counseling route, be prepared for a lot of really hard days, a lot of bad coping days and lots of nightmares. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever put myself through, but the healing and the health of my relationship and subsequent marriage has been so worth it. 

Post # 8
525 posts
Busy bee

Shycat:  I rarely suggest counseling, but yes, you need some professional help to sort through your horrible past. Everyone has an ex but do not go through what you are, especially if they are with someone new they apparently love enough to marry. I hope you seek help and start to see your future can be bright and happy.Wishing you the very best.

Post # 9
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Given your history of trauma, it seems that seeking out individual therapy is in your best interest. You need therapy to work on YOU and to deal with your past. Then if there are still problems in your current relationship, you might consider couple’s therapy.

Post # 10
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Shycat:  I think you need to go into therapy ASAP. In your short life you have already been engaged and now moving in with someone else (and planning on building a life around him). Trauma and abuse really mess up how you deal with romantic relationships. Often times thinking that they can save us or take away the pain. (Then we end up with…on one end of the spectrum…really bad guys…and on the other end of the spectrum…really good guys who arent the right guy for us, but we cling on to because we arent used to be treated nicely.)

You desire for DJ has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. (I suspect it is your subconscious trying to tell you that you arent ready to be with current boyfriend right now) Please get into counseling and learn to be by yourself for a little while. You are young and really dont know who you really are (which is common for most 20-somethings AND you have abuse issues on top of that)

Most areas have access to free/low cost counselors. You can contact RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) who can put you in touch with the counseling centers in your area. Please contact them and find someone who can help untangle your feelings and self-image and get you on the road to recovery. Remember, most of us can’t do it alone. 

Good Luck!


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