Post # 1
I’ve been lurking around here for the past few months but this is my first post as I could really use some advice from you ladies! I apologize in advance for the length.
My best friend E just got married 2 weeks ago, I was a bridesmaid and it was a beautiful wedding. We grew up together and are very close, she basically lived at my house growing up, went on vacations with my family, the whole nine. She was super close to my mom since her own mother was never really there for her. My mother had been very sick leading up to the wedding (emphysema & COPD), in and out of the hospital and we weren’t sure if she would be able to make it to the wedding. About a week before the wedding, I went to visit my mom in the hospital, she told me she was actually a lot sicker than we originally thought and there wasn’t much left the doctors could do. She made me promise not to tell E how sick she actually was until after the wedding, so I didnt.
A week after the wedding (the day before E was scheduled to leave for her honeymoon) I got the call from my aunt that my mother had taken a turn for the worse and didn’t have much time left. I headed to the hospital to be with her and did not tell E what was going on because I couldn’t ruin her honeymoon, she was going to Europe and it was really a once in a lifetime opportunity for her. E left on Friday and my mother passed away on Saturday. Since E is in Europe, she has no cell service and limited internet access and again, I couldn’t spring this on her over an email while she’s supposed to be having the time of her life with her new husband. Even though my mom had been sick, she was still pretty young so it would have been a massive shock.
E is due back on Sunday and I really dont know how to tell her this. I dont want to spring this on her as soon as she comes home and ruin that post honeymoon happiness you know? But I also dont want to wait too long and have her find out from someonelse. I know she’s going to feel a lot of saddness and guilt about not being here and I really dont want that. Any advice on how/when I should tell her?
Post # 3
I would just wait a couple of days after she gets back and invite her over or out for lunch or something. Let her know why you waited and she should understand. So sorry about your mama though, praying for you!
Post # 4
@LeLune: Wow, first of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I think you should tell your friend on Sunday when she returns from her honeymoon. It is very unfortunate timing, but she will want to be there for you and support you during this time.
Post # 5
wow thats a tough one. However so touching and loving that your mom cared so much for your friend. This shows what an amazing woman she must have been. If it were me. I would tell her that there is something that you really need to talk to her about when she gets back. I understand not wanting to spring it on her, but then again she deserves to hear it from you and why you didnt tell her sooner. I would explain that it was so important for your mom that your friend enjoyed her wedding and honeymoon that you were asked not to tell her until after she got back. I would emphazise how much your mom loved her and cared for her as if she were her own child and she wanted nothing more than happiness for her. I would be honest that it wasnt like you were keeping somehting from her to be mean but because your mom cared so deeply for her. Good Luck and welcome 🙂
Post # 6
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re an incredibly good friend to her, and you did the right thing by following your mom’s wishes. I’d give her a day or two and then have her over for coffee or something and tell her. Be prepared, she may be angry – not with YOU, but with the situation. Let her know that the wedding meant the world to your mom, and she wanted to make sure your friend would enjoy her day and her honeymoon.
Post # 7
You’re such a sweet, thoughtfull friend. I’m SO sorry about the loss of your mother.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry about your mother, and so amazed with your ability to be so selfless during this time.
I echo what PP said about inviting her over (so it’s not so public) for coffee as soon as she can, and telling her. I’m sure she might want to be involved with any funeral arrangements (if there are any), if they were so close. I would also make sure to communicate to her that you did this as it was your mother’s wish…I’m sure she will understand and appreciate that last act of love from your mom.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I would personally tell her as soon as she gets home. Let her know that you have something important to tell her and you need to see her, I don’t think waiting a few days would be a good idea. Good luck!
Post # 10
@LeLune: I am so incredibly sorry for your loss!! I think there is no good way to tell her, but maybe invite her over so you two can talk, and just do what you have to do. Tell her it was important to your mom that E enjoys this time in her life, and she didn’t want her to be sad and worry when she should be happy, and that is why you waited. I’m sure she’ll feel terrible for not getting to say goodbye, but at least be reassured that it’s what your mom wanted for her.
Post # 11
Oh…I’m so sorry for your loss, I hope that you take care of youself as much as you can. I don’t think you should take her out for lunch to tell her though…how horrible to get that news at a restaurant?
Prayers to you and your family…
Post # 12
@LeLune: I am very sorry for your loss. I admire how both you and your mother handled that awful, impossible situation. You are so concerned about your friend, which shows what kind of person you are, but remember that she will be concerned for you too! You need each other 🙂
I agree with a PP that I would call as soon as your friend is back from her honeymoon and let her know that you need to speak with her ASAP. It would be so hard for her to hear it from someone else, and I fear that if you wait, this could happen.
If she was as close to your mom as you mentioned, then someone is bound to offer their condolences to her (and she doesn’t even know it happened!) Definitely, I will tell her right away. It’s a sad, difficult situation and there is no easy or pleasant way to give someone news like this.
She enjoyed her wedding and honeymoon, but now she needs to hear what has happened. There is never a *good* time to tell someone something like this, but clearly it is something that she would like to know.
Post # 13
I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds like a wonderful, special person, and just the fact that during this time you are concerned about your friend speaks volumes for your character and for the person that your mom raised you to be.
If I was your friend, I would want to know immediately upon returning from the honeymoon. I think it would be best for her to find out from you than, say, to check facebook and see people giving you their condolences. I would just send her a text (or whatever method of communication you know she will check as soon as she gets home) and say welcome back honey, I hope you had a lovely honeymoon and I can’t wait to hear about it, but I have some urgent news and I hope we can meet soon to talk.
Sending you hugs and love during this difficult time.
Post # 14
Whoa. I am so sorry for your loss, and impressed that you seem to have held it together so well and protected your friend from what happened. That said, I agree with others who think you should tell her as soon as she gets back. Maybe offer to go to her place? Text her and ask her to let you know when she gets home?
Post # 15
Oh my, I’m so sorry for your loss. Kudos to your mother for raising such a strong, compassionate woman.
Tell her as soon as you can get a moment together when she gets back. Invite yourself over to look at her pictures and help her unpack, and let her know you have something to share, also. She’ll be devastated that she wasn’t here so you’ll need to be able to share that it was your mother’s wish that she enjoy her honeymoon.
Post # 16
So sorry to hear about your Mom. I think it is fine to tell her as soon as she returns. Hugs