Extremely hurt & sad that my Best Friend (MOH) is not coming…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry that it worked out that way.  Some people just don’t like accepting others help with money situations.  It feels so depressing to not be able to pay for things yourself and having someone else pay them for you can be a blow to the ego.  Also, she might be worried about the costs of food and transportation when she isn’t at the wedding that she would have to cover.  Of course, only she can really say why she won’t go.

Post # 4
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m sorry about this I truly understand because my Maid/Matron of Honor just told me last week she’s not coming because of pregnancy issues.  Which I get and understand but at the same time I never in a million years thought she wouldn’t be by my side.  She is not only my bestfriend but my cousin. 

MissAB is right about the money thing.  Some people just feel worse when they take $$ from others.  At least your heartache is now. 

Post # 5
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Ouch…that is rough.  I can honestly say I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum.  My BFF of 20 years couldn’t come to my wedding in December.  Her Fiance is deploying later this year and it was really important to her that they spend Christmas together.  Plus money is an issue.  Now it’s her that’s getting married and I most likely won’t be able to go.  It’s really hard on me.  I’m faced with either going to her wedding or not being able to see my husband for another 3 or 4 months (I’m in a LDM and haven’t seen my husband in 3 months as it is).  It’s so hard being on both sides.  I want to be there for her, I truly do, but right now, I feel as if I don’t see my husband, I will truly go crazy.  Thankfully she’s kind of in the same position, so she understands.

And to some people money is a really really touchy issue.  It seems like the logical thing to do would for her to accept your generous offer, but the guilt of accepting it just may be too great for her. 🙁

Post # 6
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

i offered to fly a close friend to our destination wedding and she declined. I think that some people just do not want to take “handouts” even though we know that’s totally not what it is! I thought it was like a gift to myself – that happens to include her vacation. Chin up lady.. she’ll probably be there for you in other ways, believe me.

Post # 7
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

This is a difficult situation, and I’m sorry she can’t come. I do tend to sympathize with your Maid/Matron of Honor. Is she a single mom? (I thought she might be since she didn’t mention leaving the child with dad for the weekend) If so, her situation is even more difficult, but even if not, it’s really, really, really hard to travel for people with small children and money issues. As harsh as it sounds, you made a choice by doing a Destination Wedding: you took the risk that some people wouldn’t come. It’s hard to call your BFF selfish if she is looking out for her child’s interests – clearly her child is always going to come first no matter how close you are. 

When Fiance and I were considering a Destination Wedding, both sides of the family said they likely wouldn’t come unless the whole family was completely paid for. I’m talking about my parents, who I’ve always been superclose to. While I was annoyed, ultimately it’s reality, and we changed our plans and chose a venue close by to both families. 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You are not being selfish for wanting your friend to be there or being disappointed that she has declined even after your offer to pay. At the same time, I think it’s hard to understand how difficult it can be from a mom’s point of view — especially the mother of a child who is so young.

And, as a mom myself, if I were having money issues I wouldn’t want to pay a ticket for my child to go on a trip even if the rest was paid for. That’s still money that is likely coming from someone else. And I also wouldn’t want to feel like a burden. Plus, there is the whole travelling with kids thing. Sometimes traveling with kids can be a breeze and sometimes not so much. I can also understand her not wanting to go and bring a small toddler.

So, even though it sucks and you’re sad now, you do have friends and family who will be there with you. Your day will still be great!

Post # 9
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sorry :(. At least she still wants to be involved with what she can & it doesn’t sound like she’s being a bad friend. I don’t think I’d feel okay if someone paid for me to go to their wedding. Its not really a pride thing, but more of a guilt thing. Plus, if she’s having money issues maybe she couldn’t afford a trip from missing work days & she’d feel awful if you paid for everything & then couldn’t go. Hopefully her money issues come thru & she’s able to go to your wedding, but at least she’s letting you know now instead of “bailing” closer to your wedding if things come up. Really hope she ends up being able to make it!

Post # 10
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m sorry to hear your situation.  Your intentions are very kind but She probably does not want to be a burden to you and feels insecure about accepting the help.

Post # 12
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I know it won’t be the same without her being there, but she can still be there for you 🙂  My BFF that couldn’t make my wedding, she ended up being the biggest help ever!  She was my perpetual sounding board for ideas, vents, and such a good cheerleader.  I was sad when she wasn’t there on my wedding day, but knowing we still got to share some of the wedding experiences together made it easier.  It’s kind of funny that I’m doing the same for her.  Suddenly I’ve become that sounding board for her….except if I see one more frosted cake, I may puke. LOL  I know it sounds funny, but even though she’s in TN and I’m in CO, we’re still able to bond over our weddings.

I think you’re doing a great job of keeping a good attitude!  Like you said, it is what it is, but keeping a good attitude you have will keep the friendship doors open so to speak. 

Post # 13
Member
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I understnad how you feel.  I was going to make my sister the matron of honor but her and her husband live out in Hawaii, but can’t make it so i’m really upset i will not have my sister with me!  I was the maid of honor at her wedding!  I don’t think your friend is being selfish though, i bet she would love more than anything to be at your wedding, she just doesn’t want to cost you money she knows that you (and her) can’t afford. she is probably thinking about you and your finical situation, being newly married. i know it would mean the world for her to be there, but it’s just not possible.  :(.  she can still be involved in other ways, though.  she can still help you out, and it’s like she’s a part of the wedding.  just because she’s not coming to your wedding doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you.  always remember that.  i know my sister loves me, even if she won’t be there. 

Post # 13
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

gigiram77:  

 

hi Gigi!!  I’m actually going through the same exact situation with my best friend of over 30 years. I’m curious, do you have a relationship with her now?  I’m so hurt.

Post # 14
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

My besf friend agreed she would be one of my bridesmaids. I went to KS to visit from Seattle for Thanksgiving. Upon return after an “eventful trip” she says she can’t come. I ask why she says money. I offered to pay her way and she declined. However I suspect her controlling husband was responsible and would let her come. A couple weeks weeks later she buys a purebreed dog for $1000 and posts it over Facebook. We got into a huge fight and I cut her out of my life completly. Some people just need to get their priorities straight. We have been best friends since we were 14. I’m 38  now. I refuse to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t care for me as much as I care for them. We haven’t spoken since.

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