- 7 years ago
Please give your thoughts, opinions, suggestions on this. And, yes, upfront, I will admit my culpability.
I have a friend who’s getting married – we’ll call her Jane. Some days we can hang out and have a great time together. We have laughed, cried, planned and plotted together. We’ve seen each other through tough situations. She can be a really cool person, a great friend.
But then there is another side to her. She is extremely needy. For example, once when I had another close friend (actually my best friend “Livvy”) visiting from out of town and we all got together, Jane was literally clinging to me and dismissive of my other friend. She would try to make comments on how SHE was my real friend and that Livvy really didn’t know anything about my life. Truthfully, Livvy has been my road warrior and knows me in and out. Even if Livvy and I have a disagreement about something, we’re mature enough to agree to disagree.
Livvy is a bit on the heavy side and Jane would say backhanded compliments to her like, you look so pretty in that outfit – how’d you find something like that in your size. Not exactly those words, mind you, but very similar. And that goes to my other issue with Jane, she gives so many of those back handed compliments to people – me included. It’s stinging. She even does it to her adult daughter. Other than me, she may have one or two other close women friends. But she says it’s because women are jealous of her and can’t handle strong, smart women like her. Jane is beautiful – a stunner. But her attitude is what leaves something to be desired. Most of my other friends have decided that they do not want to be invited if Jane is going to be there. She can either be the life of the party – getting all the attention; or morose and bitter-talking because she is not.
She loves giving people stuff. Beautiful clothes and jewelry. But, it comes with a price – with strings attached. Your loyalty to her is always tested- you can’t be friends with others more strongly than you are friends with her. She offered to give me her furniture when she bought new stuff because her used furniture, in her words, is 100 percent better looking than what I already have. Ouch! Gosh, I KNOW I need new furniture, I’m saving for it, but it has to wait. I said no thank you to her.
So, Jane is getting married late this summer after having postponed and rescheduling the wedding from last year. She asked me to be her maid of honor when she originally started planning. I promise that I am excited for her and happy for her. I couldn’t wait to start the planning with her because weddings are supposed to be fun. Right???? Besides, she’s my girl…your girl would never say or do anything to hurt you, right?
So, I messed up really badly. My job had an all-hands-on-deck event that required everyone to go to work on the weekend last minute. Stuff hit the fan and I got pulled into it, along with my co-workers. Well, in doing so, I forgot about a really important event that I had agreed to attend – the food tasting. Jane calls me on the phone to find out where I am. I had to let her know I was at work and that I forgot. I apologized profusely because I know I should have called. She says she understands, but I know she’s upset. Understandably.
I also have a problem with being late to things like going to the movies or meeting up with her for dinner. Like, say, if we have a movie that supposed to start at 3 and we agree to meet up at 2:30…I’ve been known to get there with just enough time before the movie starts. I know that’s a problem and I try to do better where she is concerned. Regardless, it’s a problem. No excuses for it.
Days go by and we’re scheduled to look at dresses. Backhanded compliments start coming out again. She says to me, I know you’re concerned about your belly and your size, and since this may not hit your curves in all the right places, you need to wear really good undergarments. My treat, if you want me to pay for it. I’m thinking, really? Uh, I’m not obsessing over my curves. Sure, I don’t have flat abs..but dang, I am exercising. I may not be a size 4 like she is, but I am a very good looking 8 (size 10 on a bad day).
But I do not say anything. I just say, this is typical her, blow it off. I know it’s her day and she’s trying to make sure the entire party looks good. But it’s getting harder and harder because of the history of the stingers coming out of the clear blue sky to sucker punch me. There have been others since, but this post is already too long.
So, three days ago, out of the clear blue sky, I receive an email from Jane saying asking me if I had gone to Jcrew to look at the dress she told me about. (You know – the one I’d have to be careful with my tummy in?). I told her no and that I was waiting to go next week b/c I could afford to purchase the JCrew dress then. No responding email, so I thought we were cool.
The next day she sends me another email saying that maybe right now isn’t a good point in my life for me to be a maid of honor because of my lack of time and because of my money situation. She said she wanted to be considerate of me and my situation and failed to do so before she chose me to be the maid of honor. So, if I wanted to not be the maid of honor she’d really understand and wouldn’t have any hurt feelings because we would still be friends.
After pausing for a beat, I replied back that the decision as to whether I was Maid/Matron of Honor or not was her choice, thanks for the concern and I would understand whatever choice she makes. Yes, I realize I was being passive aggressive – as part of me by now really did not want to be in this wedding due to everything.
She replies that she can’t say what I can or cannot afford or what I do or do not have time for and that she had made her choice when she asked me to be the Maid/Matron of Honor because she loves me so much but would understand if I had to drop out. I’m still her bestest, she says
After typing and erasing and typing and erasing, I finally replied back that I meant that the choice of whether I was in her wedding party was up to her. Yes, I get busy with my schedule and yes I have to be careful with my spending due to my husband not working right now and the fact that my kids are in all kinds of activities. I said that I wouldn’t have agreed to be Maid/Matron of Honor if I wasn’t able to celebrate with you. I added that if she felt I wasn’t giving her the time and consideration that she needs or wants for her to please let me know and we could work from there.
After a few minutes goes by, she replies, “Oh my goodness, ladybug, I think my thoughtfulness has been taken the wrong way. I know you are a wife and I know most of your circumstances. I just realized I didn’t take all of that into consideration when I initially asked you. I know my heart was in the right place when I said these things.”
Please tell me why she is back tracking? I knew she was gonna come back with this, “what are you talking about? I was only asking out of concern for you”, type of response.
Finally, I had enough of emailing. I call her and say that you know what, you’re right…perhaps I should not be in the wedding after all because I didn’t think of all that you are thinking of. She says again that she’s just trying to be considerate with my busy work schedule and home life. She said that I missed her food tasting but she forgives me because it doesnt’ matter any more. I said that I apologized for that because I knew I was wrong. She says, oh that’s the past, lets forget about it.
I reminded her that my busy work schedule and homelife never stopped me from supporting my other best friend, Erica when she got married earlier this year. She’s like, oh yeah…true. Well, I’m just thinking of you and I don’t understand why you felt to the need to reiterate that you’re a wife and mother because I already know that – she goes on and on how she is innocent and really wants me to be in the wedding but I am misunderstanding her intentions and motives and how she loves me.
I say nothing. Why? Because there is no use. Because, the veil has been lifted. I see the dragon for what it is. (And no, I’m not calling her a dragon). I’m tired of being on the receiving end of the fire and then her playing innocent as if she doesn’t’ know why her friends are dropping like flies. Now only her sister-in-law (her brother’s wife) and her grown daughter are left in the wedding party. I say goodbye and hang up the phone.
She emails me this morning apologizing. Saying, again, she is only thinking of me and that she loves me. I wrote back thank you and I love you too.
So, I backed out of the wedding. I quit being the maid of honor. But I also hurt someone, and that’s the part I don’t like. I feel like a heel (sp?). I do know that too much passive agressiveness was going on on both our parts. I just can’t take her anymore, you know? Bridezilla I can handle. Meangirl/Innocentgirl/Dr.Jeckly/Mr. Hyde-zilla, I cannot. What do you guys think of this Young and the Restless daytime drama?