(Closed) Extremely long timeline question :)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would calm down. You are only 21, you are still so young. He knows you want to get engaged, knows what kind of ring you want and it hasn’t been long since the subject was brought up. Perhaps he doesn’t want to take the next step until he feels like you are bringing something to the table? 

Post # 4
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@kendra389:  It sounds like he’s at least seriously thinking about it which is awesome! & from what I’m reading it doesn’t sound like you have too much longer to wait.

 Have you two ever sat down & had a conversation about what you both expect your life together to look like in 5/10/15 years? Me & my man worked out a 5 year plan before we moved in together (my dad made us set yearly goals so it just kinda stuck & ive been doing it ever since). At the end of our 5 yr plan our options either 1-buy a home together or 2- get married. We both knew we wanted to get married at some point but I know for all he cares it could be when we’re 89 yrs old since we’re already living togther as a married couple (been dating for 8yrs on Sunday & living in sin for nearly 5), but it was important to me to get married before kids. That and his brother got married to a gal he was dating for a year or two & I felt like such an outcast for a minute b/c I wasn’t technically his family- their wedding just kinda drove that nail home for us both. 

It takes us a while sometimes to wrap our head around big life changes like this. I thought I was ready until I got the proposal & then I was all “Damn, shit just got real” & kinda inwardly freaked a little secodn guessing myself- Am I really ready for this, what makes us different than the 1/2 of america that gets divorced, will our relationship survive kids one day, what if we grow apart one day… It didn’t last too long but we talked about it & he had the same inward reflection freak out and we were able to bond a little bit and clear the air about our fears/worries and in the process talk about what we wanted to do or could do to keep ourselves happy in our realtionship. The key is communication, but don’t make it about a wedding or proposal specifically….  It sounds like you both want to spend the rest of your lives together- just talk about what that life would look like. 

Post # 5
404 posts
Helper bee

Chill, Seriously, he may just want to adjust to you living with him for one thing. Also, it sounds like he wants it to be a surprise, let him have that! He knows what you like.

On the other hand, he may feel a little hurt that you tried the ring without him, he was the one who brought it up, he may feel like you took his suggestion and ran with it, leaving him behind. He may even be quietly punishing you for it, even if he doesn’t realise it/wouldnt consiously want to do that, for leaving him out.

ETA: Work out how long you’re willing to wait, maybe a year? Maybe 2? Once you decide, accept your timeline and don’t bring it up until that time has passed. That gives him plenty of time to be brave/save/feel the time is right/whatever.

Sounds like he’s serious about you, so that’s very good =)

Post # 6
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I can sort of relate and this may not be what you want to hear but I still have NO idea why it took so long to get an engagement. But when I backed off the subject, I got it so I can guess he just needed to feel in control of the situation. A little background on my Fiance and I. We had been dating about 3 years when we started looking at E-rings. We had been talking about marriage casually for about a year but we were only juniors in college (we started dating senior year of high school) so we knew that nothing would happen until after graduation, which I was completely fine with and that is what I wanted. Now, the ring situation was a little different ofr us. My fiance and I went to both Jared’s and Zales and looked at rings together. I narrowed it down to 2 rings, one at each store that I would have been happy with and told him to make the final decision. The lady at Zale’s ended up accidently putting my number down instead of his so I got a call asking telling me that my ring was back from being resized (I then knew that he had purchased the ring) and I had to tell him what I knew. He admitted it, but said not to expect a proposal right away because like I said we had agreed to not move forward until after graduation.


He purchased the ring in March of 2009. I got the ring in September of 2011. Seems insane right? Well, at first when I knew he had the ring, I honestly did not pressure him. We had talked about how we only wanted a 7-8 month engagement.. not super short and not super long. I sort of ASSUMED (based on conversations we had) that we would get married late summer after graduation (we graduated May of 2011) and I assumed our wedding would be August/September of 2011. As you can see.. he didnt even propose until September 2011. What I believe it came down to was he was not secure enough us both graduating and rushing into getting married. Neither of us had careers and I was going straight into graduate school. One month after my Fiance started his career, he proposed. I think not only did I have to let him do it on his time (I started pressing it after graduation) but he also needed some security. Maybe your Fiance is worried about getting you graduated and started in a career or at least graduate school which will lead you into your career. From what you say, I don’t think he will wait until after graduation from graduate school but maybe he is waiting for you to get graduate undergrad and enter the next phase of your life, because I promise you no matter whether you go directly into a career or continue your education, life beyond graduation is so different (and your fiance has been there so he knows this). Just be patient, everything works out in the end!! 

Post # 7
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@kendra389:  Well what always works for me is just thinking about what an amazing man my SO is And how incredibly lucky I am to have someone that loves me so much. I am more inclined to think that he doesn’t want to talk about the ring because he is in the process of getting it. Whether it be saving for it or shopping. My SO won’t talk about rings because he wants it to be a surprise. Perhaps your guy wanted to know what you like and then take the lead from there and surprise you. And 21-22 is young still, he may be waiting until you finish school, this year not Vet School! Does he know you don’t want a long engagement? Or that you would preferably not want to wait 4-5 years to get engaged? Why don’t you set a timeline for yourself, and if you feel no progress has been made, then sit down and talk to him about a timeline that suits both of you. I’m willing to bet he just doesn’t want to talk about it because he feels like you’ve done your part and now it’s his turn! I know it’s hard to not think about, but  go do an activity that takes your mind off it for a while! Good Luck!

Post # 10
404 posts
Helper bee

@kendra389:  Maybe! That sounds promising! But I do think you need to decide what’s good for you, don’t presume anything from him, if you’d feel happy with another 18 months but no longer then I think it’s a good timeline. Go with your gut about when you’ll be going crazy and need to talk to him!

I like you need something to happen so I get off wedding sites xD I’m a million miles away from getting engaged, and totally happy with that, I’ve not been with my SO for a year yet haha.

Post # 11
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

My Fiance refused to say the word marriage… Until the day he proposed! I was like “Wha-WHAT?” He’d literally mentioned engagement rings ONCE. I bought him a watch for our anniversary (his best friend was there looking at them with me). The check-out section was near the engagement rings, so his best friend was like “For future reference, what do you like?” I laughed and was like “HUGE centerstone with channel-set side stones”. He mentioned it to my Fiance drunkenly later that night (the cover story was his best friend wanted to get his wedding ring cleaned, and I was just carpooling). I thought my now Fiance was going to FREAK, but on the car ride back home (it’s an 8 hour drive!) he was like “So, what DO you like?” I told him, assumed we’d get engaged in another year or so, and never said another word about it. Two months later, he was on one knee next to Niagara Falls, and I was in such shock I didn’t even say yes until one of the people watching said “…Did she say yes, yet?” I was jumping up and down and screaming!

The surprise was DEFINITELY the best part!

Also, my Fiance was tricky. The second we got engaged, he said we were never going out to eat again! He said he wanted to stop eating out sooner, but he didn’t want me to figure out what was going on!

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