Post # 1
Hi bees! We are planning a May 2020 wedding, and have started working on our guest lists. They’re extremely lopsided and I don’t even know where to begin with it.
I don’t have the best relationship with my fiance’s family. Extended family gatherings are frustrating at best. I asked my fiancé to make a list of all the people we want there, and I did the same.
His list of family, cousins and family friends is at about 45, while my entire list of family and close friends sits at 20, with a few spare interchangeable places for friends who we aren’t sure whether to invite. His list doesn’t include any of his friends
I’ve asked him if there is any way that his list can be shortened, primarily for budget reasons and also due to the fact that I don’t want my family to feel pushed out and significantly outnumbered. He’s insisted that that’s as low as he can go, and cutting will cause drama. We are fully funding the wedding as well.
Any advice on moving forward with this would be appreciated. I’m truly at a loss.
Post # 2
I don’t think that a difference of 25 people is extremely unbalanced. Your side won’t feel outnumbered. Everyone is there to celebrate your marriage, not going to war. The last wedding I was at I couldn’t have told you who was on whose side. We were all just guests of the couple.
Have you made your budget yet and priced this out? I personally don’t see it as being the huge issue that you think it is unless it does put you way over budget.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!
What are you looking at for budget? Are you willing to compromise by choosing cheaper catering/venue? It’s hard to cut out family, but perhaps he can reconsider inviting family friends, since you two seem to be looking at planning a smaller wedding? Unfortunately, you may have to help him examine certain people on the list as opposed to just saying, “can’t you cut it down more?” By the way, his family side will be much larger than mine, but it’s not a big deal. They shouldn’t feel like they’re “pushed out”.
Post # 4
I think I’m negatively biased against his family’s list, because his extended family has been nothing but unwelcome towards me during every occasion that we’ve shared together. There is no real sense of convergence or inclusion with his family – it’s simply them and me.
Those are good points though. We might have to sit down and examine each person closely. He is unwilling to bend on our reception venue, and that has already been booked as well. I’ve asked him about his family friends and he is also unwilling to not invite them.
Post # 5
My husband invited a larger portion of his extended family than I did for a variety of reasons (even though our extended families are of similar size). The wedding didn’t feel lopsided or weird, it just felt like all of the important people we loved and wanted were there and our families and friends had a great time getting to know one another and celebrating with us! Unless it’s a budget issue, I wouldn’t worry about it!
Post # 6
that isn’t that unbalanced! My husbands parents migrated to Australia in the 60s as single adults. Most of their family is overseas and they have maybe 30 people in their life here that they are close to. My husband moved to Victoria and his parents live in another state so our wedding was essentially destination for his side. Hubby had 15 guests from his side whilst my side was 140 because well I’m Italian and our family is huge and close!
My point is that an imbalance in numbers doesn’t create an issue for the actual event. It sounds like this is a ‘I don’t like your family’ issue and that you don’t want any of them there as opposed to a unbalanced numbers thing. This thing with his family needs to be sorted before you commit to a life together and the wedding is a good thing because it’s forcing you to have that conversation and work out your combined approach to this issue of how his family is in your life. Situations like this have a way of impacting on a relationship if you are not on the same page and I would work this out before you commit to a life together…
What exactly have his family done and said to you because that would really impact on whether I’d say to fight your corner or live and let live?
Post # 7
YEP all of this
This doesn’t sound like anything other than trying to find an excuse to disinvite his family you don’t like.
Does he spend time with them often? I’m assuming he’s at least on good terms if he feels so strongly about them attending your wedding. They are not going to go away so you need to find to way to work on the relationship.
Post # 8
I don’t find those numbers to be an unreasonable balance. There is a difference between equal and equitable.
Post # 9
Your wedding sounds like it was such a fun, exciting and inclusive event! I love stories like this, so it made me smile! I so wish it were the same for our families, but it isn’t looking too likely. So sorry about the formatting below a
His family have been absolutely awful since day one. Fiancé and I have spoken about it extensively, and it comes down to my race and background over anything else. Fiancé didn’t date within the race that his family desired, so here we are.
His family, both immediate and extended, have no issues in inviting me to family events, to then sway between excluding me by not talking to me at all, to then providing me with unsolicited advice. This means that I no longer attend events, simply because I will not allow them to feel as though they can treat me however they wish.
His father finds it enjoyable to try challenging every decision I’ve made as though I’m incapable of making a good decision, and has made a public mockery of health issues that I’ve experienced to his extended family and their friends. His mother is often cold and intrusive, with regard to topics that have nothing to do with her. Contraception and our sex life is seen as fair game to her, and needs to be shut down. All these comments that have been made, are in the context of my body.
It’s generally an environment that I don’t wish to be part of, and have no issues with setting boundaries in terms of the frequency at which we see each other, and cutting off comments that are made towards me. Naturally, I am concerned that his family will effectively gang up on me as they have in the past at our wedding, and will seek to make comments and effectively continue this poor behaviour.
Post # 10
well that is a terrible situation and I can see why you are having an issue with whom to invite. Im sorry that this is a reality for you and I agree as to why you don’t want these people at the wedding.
TBH his family is a problem but your fiancé is a bigger one here. You not attending his family events isn’t the solution I’d be happy with. I’d want a partner that says you don’t treat someone I love this way. At the moment he might be saying the words but the continued presence of him in their lives is basically a mixed message. He’s basically condoning their actions with his continued presence and family interaction. His words and actions should match to give weight to what he is saying and they don’t…
OP, do not get married until your fiancé understands the true impact of this situation and gets what he is asking you to do by way of interactions with his family.
I’m so sorry you are in this situation and that people are still so fucking racist and discriminatory in this age!! We are all different looking and may have different ways of doing things but we are all human and are essentially the same at our core. We should all aim to be good, kind and happy people and everything else is superfluous. Skin, sex, creed, race etc shouldn’t matter….
Post # 11
As a woman of color marrying a white man I find your last post very troubling. Have you had serious discussion about these issues with your fiancé? And I mean a serious discussion? Because IMO you have much bigger issues than an unblanced guest list. They invite you events then proceed to do things to make you uncomfortable so then you are reluctant to go to future family gatherings. Very passive aggressive and a win for them. They did their part and if you don’t go than you look like the one with the problem. His mother questioning you about your sex life and birth control is rude AF and should have been shut down on the spot by her son. If he wasn’t present I would have said hold that thought and would have gone to get him. If he was present then I have no words. I hope you have thought long and hard about marring into this family and if you plan on having children how they will treated by their grandparents. They sound like passive racists. The kind who would never say anything obviously
racist but see nothing wrong in calling the cops on a black man sitting in car reading a book and minding his own damn business or calling the cops on a black child because she was selling water without a “permit” or calling the police on two Native American teens because they didn’t look like they “belonged” on the college tour and my personal favorite the black graduate student at Yale taking a nap in the common room having the police called because you are not suppose to nap there. I could not have people at a wedding who had issues with my race and background and I would not marry a man who would expect me too.
Post # 12
You are completely right on that front. I find it’s worth having a discussion about words not quite matching actions. We’ve discussed everything else, but that. I think that not going was (and is) an easy solution, simply because I wanted to remove myself from all that exclusion. I’m thankful that we have time to figure a way forward, because I would not marry him if we hadn’t figured out a way to manage this effectively
My main concern is that they’ll be nice to me because I’m The Bride for that day (and paying for half their dinner), but talk behind my back, make snide remarks and generally be unfriendly and unwelcoming to my family. That isn’t fair on me either and it puts me off the whole wedding.
Thank you so much for your comments, it honestly brought tears to my eyes. The weight lifted when I realised that it wasn’t anything I’d done, it was simply due to how I am. We agree that it is racially motivated, and now we need to manage this.