Extremely lopsided guest list

posted 2 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

I don’t think that a difference of 25 people is extremely unbalanced.  Your side won’t feel outnumbered.  Everyone is there to celebrate your marriage,  not going to war.  The last wedding I was at I couldn’t have told you who was on whose side.  We were all just guests of the couple.

Have you made your budget yet and priced this out?  I personally don’t see it as being the huge issue that you think it is unless it does put you way over budget.

Post # 3
Member
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

What are you looking at for budget? Are you willing to compromise by choosing cheaper catering/venue? It’s hard to cut out family, but perhaps he can reconsider inviting family friends, since you two seem to be looking at planning a smaller wedding? Unfortunately, you may have to help him examine certain people on the list as opposed to just saying, “can’t you cut it down more?” By the way, his family side will be much larger than mine, but it’s not a big deal. They shouldn’t feel like they’re “pushed out”. 

Post # 5
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

My husband invited a larger portion of his extended family than I did for a variety of reasons (even though our extended families are of similar size). The wedding didn’t feel lopsided or weird, it just felt like all of the important people we loved and wanted were there and our families and friends had a great time getting to know one another and celebrating with us! Unless it’s a budget issue, I wouldn’t worry about it! 

Post # 6
Member
4710 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
vegemitetoast :  that isn’t that unbalanced! My husbands parents migrated to Australia in the 60s as single adults. Most of their family is overseas and they have maybe  30 people in their life here that they are close to. My husband moved to Victoria and his parents live in another state so our wedding was essentially destination for his side. Hubby had 15 guests from his side whilst my side was 140 because well I’m Italian and our family is huge and close!

My point is that an imbalance in numbers doesn’t create an issue for the actual event. It sounds like this is a ‘I don’t like your family’ issue and that you don’t want any of them there as opposed to a unbalanced numbers thing. This thing with his family needs to be sorted before you commit to a life together and the wedding is a good thing because it’s forcing you to have that conversation and work out your combined approach to this issue of how his family is in your life. Situations like this have a way of impacting on a relationship if you are not on the same page and I would work this out before you commit to a life together…

What exactly have his family done and said to you because that would really impact on whether I’d say to fight your corner or live and let live? 

Post # 7
Member
788 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

View original reply
cmsgirl :  YEP all of this 

This doesn’t sound like anything other than trying to find an excuse to disinvite his family you don’t like. 

Does he spend time with them often? I’m assuming he’s at least on good terms if he feels so strongly about them attending your wedding. They are not going to go away so you need to find to way to work on the relationship. 

Post # 8
Member
47436 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t find those numbers to be an unreasonable balance. There is a difference between equal and equitable.

Post # 10
Member
4710 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
vegemitetoast :  well that is a terrible situation and I can see why you are having an issue with whom to invite. Im sorry that this is a reality for you and I agree as to why you don’t want these people at the wedding.

TBH his family is a problem but your fiancé is a bigger one here. You not attending his family events isn’t the solution I’d be happy with. I’d want a partner that says you don’t treat someone I love this way. At the moment he might be saying the words but the continued presence of him in their lives is basically a mixed message. He’s basically condoning their actions with his continued presence and family interaction. His words and actions should match to give weight to what he is saying and they don’t…

OP, do not get married until your fiancé understands the  true impact of this situation and gets what he is asking you to do by way of interactions with his family.

I’m so sorry you are in this situation and that people are still so fucking racist and discriminatory in this age!! We are all different looking and may have different ways of doing things but we are all human and are essentially the same at our core. We should all aim to be good, kind and happy people and everything else is superfluous. Skin, sex, creed, race etc shouldn’t matter….

Post # 11
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

Hi Bee,

As a woman of color marrying a white man I find your last post very troubling.  Have you had serious discussion about these issues with your fiancé? And I mean a serious discussion? Because IMO you have much bigger issues than an unblanced guest list. They invite you events then proceed to do things to make you uncomfortable so then you are reluctant to go to future family gatherings. Very passive aggressive and a win for them. They did their part and if you don’t go than you look like the one with the problem. His mother questioning you about your sex life and birth control is rude AF and should have been shut down on the spot by her son. If he wasn’t present I would have said hold that thought and would have gone to get him. If he was present then I have no words. I hope you have thought long and hard about marring into this family and if you plan on having children how they will treated by their grandparents. They sound like passive racists.  The kind who would never say anything obviously

racist but see nothing wrong in calling the cops on a black man sitting in car reading a book and minding his own damn business or calling the cops on a black child because she was selling water without a “permit” or calling the police on two Native American teens because they didn’t look like they “belonged” on the college tour and my personal favorite the black graduate student at Yale taking a nap in the common room having the police called because you are not suppose to nap there. I could not have people at a wedding who had issues with my race and background and I would not marry a man who would expect me too. 

 

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