Post # 1
I have this friend that I’ve known for 15 years. We knew each other in elementary school and have always remained in contact despite being military kids and moving away from each other. She is a good person, and I want to make sure that is clear. She is a good friend and I care about her, however part of me thinks this relationship is dead.
She has NO coping skills. At all. She will text/FB message me every single day and all of her messages begin with a complaint. Yesterday, she was upset because someone at the gym used the machine that she was about to get on. She literally said, “today is just horrible”. Mmkay. Two weeks ago she messaged me to tell me she had to drive someone to work and didn’t know where they lived and it was also the worst day ever. Then she messaged me after that to tell me that her mother in law always talks about being thinner than her. WTH who cares??
I have always been patient, but I usually just straight up tell her that she’s being silly and needs to get over it. She always gets really mad, doesn’t talk to me for a week, and then messages me out of the blue like nothing ever happened and then never mentions it again. It is this constant cycle of complaining… about NOTHING.
She recently moved to a foreign country with her spouse and she had to quit her job and sell her car to go with him. She has bitched non stop every day about not being able to find a job. Yesterday, I just had enough and said, “what did you think was going to happen? You are in a foreign country where you don’t speak the native language. You are in a place that most people go to vacation, so you can either sit around and cry about it or enjoy this chapter in your life with your husband”.
Once again, radio silence. I have had enough of this back and forth crap. I don’t want to be part of this vicious cycle anymore. Am I being mean? Why can’t she ever say anything good? She has a great life. They have plenty of money, and they are in good health. Am I in the wrong to not want to listen to it anymore?
Post # 2
Well… if she makes you miserable then call it quits. No need to let other people’s negativity bring you down.
But… just to be honest- I have friends that do that. They only contact me when they need me to tell them how wonderful they are and how much greatness they deserve, or as I call them- a “pep talk”… they are always complaining about one thing or another… they just never seem happy.
When she complains about random things that to me, would not be bothersome- I just txt her back and say- “aw… that sucks! sorry!” and that’s it. End of conversation. It takes 5 seconds out of my day and it makes her feel that someone is listening to her. Sometimes, that’s all people need. Someone to vent to.
Yes- it’s annoying. Yes- it would be so much easier to just walk away… but I would rather be there for them even if it’s just to lift them up than walk away and they feel like I just abandoned them and things get worse for them.
If you say that the friendship is dead- then it’s done. But clearly- you still care for this person, can you really just turn your back to her?
Post # 3
jalapenocupcake: I don’t keep people like this in my life. Time to do the fade out.
Post # 4
iheartpenguins: I do really care about her and you make great points. I guess I am tired of placating her. She never asks anything about me or even seems to care what’s going on in my life. She just seems to care about herself. I guess my struggle is do I continue to placate her although I know the feelings aren’t returned?
Post # 5
I had a friend like this. Had. Cut ties- trust, me, the renewed positivity of not having to deal with this is totally worth it.
Post # 6
I have a friend like this. Either simply respond “that sucks” or ignore it. I know most people on here will say it’s immature to ignore someone, but it works; she will later text me about something of substance and I have no problem talking to her about something besides herself.
Post # 7
Nope, not mean…Just honest. I find that true friends will hear, and want, the truth, as I know I would..Give it a few days, maybe she’ll come around..otherwise, if she cuts ties and cannot see how negative she’s being, her loss.
Post # 8
ABL12490: I would normally do just that, but she doesn’t EVER have anything else to say. She has two types of messages, pictures of her dogs, or complaining. I truly just want to tell her exactly how I feel, but since she doesn’t have any coping skills, or think she would just scream at me. If this were a mature person, k would have just told her during a conversation how she makes me feel.
Post # 9
jalapenocupcake: I think you are being mean. Moving to a foreign country where you don’t speak the language is incredibly hard. Sure, people might go there on vacation, but they come back home after two weeks. She has no friends there. She has no work. She is bored out of her mind and very lonely. Her complaints wouldn’t bother you as much as they do if you were a true friend.
Post # 10
I’ve had this before. A “Friend” who constantly emailed or called me about herself. I realized later that unfortunatly, and it hurts to realize this, but a one-sided relationship is not a friend. I was so hurt with this friend, but then realized she was never my friend. She used me. It was a one sided relationship and she had no interest or curiosity in my life. I didn’t lose a friend, i just woke up and saw what kind of relationship i was feeding into.
Post # 11
jalapenocupcake: I had a friend like this. It was exhausting. It was like “life was always miserable, woe is me, everyone should feel bad for me”. Constantly complaining about the smallest things. If I just said “aw that sucks” I’d get accused of not paying enough attention to her problems. If I offered advice or my opinion I got yelled at for “God, can’t I just vent to you without having you offer advice?? If I want your advice, I’d ask for it”. If I listened, but then tried to direct the conversation in a more positive light, I’d get accused of “just not getting it”. She never asked about me, how my day was, how my new job was going, how the wedding planning was going. Nothing. She would call me and expect me to answer EVERY TIME. If I didn’t, I was a horrible friend (regardless if I told her I was at work and I’d call her back). When I did answer her calls, they were a 40 minute rant about how horrible her day was. As soon as I started talking about my day, she’d suddenly have to go.
I finally had enough and told her that I felt we were in a one-sided friendship and I wished she’d ask about my life or, at least just listen to me once in a while. Of course, that didn’t go over well. If I did finally get a word in about my life, she’d criticize it. She put me down for not going away to college, put me down for dating the same guy throughout my 20’s, for not traveling enough and for getting married (not too young or anything. just married at all). She even laughed at my wedding dress choice and told me to return it after I put down a non-refundable deposit. If everything wasn’t about her, she wanted nothing to do with it and got nasty.
That friendship has finally ended after 10 years. It sucked because she was my ‘best friend’ but when I look back now, I realize how horrible she was and how much less drama and stress I deal with on a daily basis.
Your friend doesn’t sound AS BAD as mine but… if you’re already feeling this way, resentment will start to build and one day you may blow up. If you don’t want to completely end the friendship, just take a few steps back. Don’t answer her every phone call, text, fb message.
Post # 12
jalapenocupcake: In the fifteen years that you’ve been friends, has she often been this way or could this be a negative phase she’s going through?
It does sound tricky but the negative/sensitive reaction do remind me of someone suffering with low mood/frustrated with her circumstances.
Obviously I don’t know all the details of how trying this friendship has become but I wouldn’t recommend the fade out technique (especially after such a long history of being friends.) If she has poor coping mechanisms perhaps a hobby, support group, volunteer work could help her focus on herself and the outside world in a healthier way.
Post # 13
Tisa85: she has been this way for as long as I’ve known her. She send me cards and gifts on my birthday and then complains for the rest of the year.
Annonnie89: I totally see what you are saying. What do you suggest I should do when the complaining doesn’t stop though. To be honest, I’ve been in her situation before and yes it sucks, but that’s a choice you make when you become a military spouse. I have offered her ideas on what to do to pass the time and she ignores me as if I didn’t say anything.
Post # 14
I’ve been there. I was best friends with a set of twins for 17 years and it got to the point where they could not make a good decision to save their life and I got tired of always hearing “woe is me” in the aftermath and always having to pick up the pieces. When I realized that they brought nothing else positive into the relationship, I cut ties completely. I think people that haven’t been in this situation might see you as judgmental or harsh, but I completely understand your frustrations because I’ve been there. Drop her.
Post # 15