(Closed) Extremely pissed at FMIL

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
13707 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s your wedding – invite who you want.,  Your Future Sister-In-Law should be invited.  Send her her own invitation (hand deliver it if you have to) and make sure she knows that you want her there.  In the end, her parents may not bring her, but she’ll at least know that you, her new sister-in-law, wanted her there.

FWIW, you and your Fiance need to sit down and tell your inlaws that you want her there, and that you’ve invited her.  They need to know you’re okay with any potential outbursts and truly want her there, too.

Post # 32
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

rebeccasum:  Then invite her and your siblings and if need be find a way to get them there if the parents will not take her.

Post # 33
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

GooteyBootey:  +1. Step the siblings aside and tell them they ARE welcome to come to the wedding if they wish and explain why their invitations were revoked in the first place. Make adjustments on their behalf as needed. If his parents don’t like it, too bad.

Post # 34
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I don’t want to de-rail this thread but in addition to the OP describing her FI’s sister as ‘the special needs sister’ more than once in the original post, two people now have said that his sister is ‘special needs’. No, she is not special needs. She may have needs that mean she requires additional support, so you could describe her as ‘having special needs’ but no person is special needs. There’s not much more I can say without getting angry about it but please educate yourselves if you think using that language to describe someone is acceptable. I work with children with additional supports and the language we use, particularly when describing people, is incredibly important and plays a big role in the development of attitudes towards groups.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  catki.
Post # 35
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I have a niece that has special needs and if I was getting married there would be no question that she would be invited to the wedding. Even if she were to have an outburst (she can be aggresive) we’d just deal with that when it came to it. This is family and if it’s important for you to have all the family there then make that clear to fmil. Can I ask how old the sibling is?

Post # 36
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Though I do have to agree that stating she ‘is’ special needs, as opposed to has special needs shows that perhaps you need to have a discussion with your fi about what it is she has and learn to understand it more. 

Post # 37
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

You shouldn’t invite her if thats what your Future In-Laws think. It’s the same as inviting a child without their parents approving it because the parents need to take care of that person. It seems they don’t want to miss out on their son’s wedding In case she has an outburst or they dont want to deal with it in front of everyone. Fair enough, only they know what it’s like to take care of her. I really don’t think they would not let her come unless they had good reasons for that. Realistically, would she truly even enjoy the wedding? All you can do is talk to the Future In-Laws.

Post # 38
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

If you and your Fiance want her, and the rest of his siblings for that matter, invite them. It is both of your wedding, not your Future In-Laws. It sounds like they don’t want her to have an outburst, and while that is entirely understandable, she knows how to help. Maybe your Future In-Laws think that she will be a burden on them. 

My cousin has Tourettes and a social anxiety disorder, and my Fiance and I sat down with her and said that we would love to have her, but it is her decision and that we did not want to make her feel obligated or overwhelm her in any way. She still has time to decide, but I couldn’t imagine my Uncle making an excuse if he does not want her there.

Maybe you and your Fiance can sit down and discuss why they do not want them there. Good luck! 

Post # 39
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

First of all, congratulations! Secondly, I’m having a hard time understanding that while your Future Mother-In-Law may have guardianship of the SIL, why is she making a decision to not have her other children attend their brother’s wedding for your FI? They’re clearly adults that have lives separate from their parents right?

You go ahead and invite whom you both want. It is YOUR day and you shouldn’t have any regrets. Best of luck!

Post # 42
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

rebeccasum:  Ah, I see. That is a tough situation. It’s so refreshing that you are passionate about having your FI’s entire family there on your special day and aren’t upset about potential situations arising with the SIL. You have a good heart Bee! Hopefully you will have an opportunity to spend more time with the SIL and your interactions will show her how much you really care. Best wishes!

Post # 43
Member
666 posts
Busy bee

Reading this thread makes me really sad for your future SIL. She’s a person. Maybe she will have an outburst during the ceremony, maybe not. But for your Mother-In-Law exclude her from a big life event is just plain mean.

And I know I can’t be the only one thinking it’s bizarre that they want to exclude all of their children.

Post # 44
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think thats very fair for any one your FI’s sibilings that now have to miss out on his wedding. I should strongly agree you should push for their attendence, because even if that means some slight discomfort for the parents now, in the long run I think it would make your family stronger. Its great you have such a positive open attittude towards your SIL(To be) with needs. 

This also makes me wonder if they kept her home for the older siblings’ weddings…

Post # 45
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think I would be upset too. Your Future Mother-In-Law should have come to you and your Fiance and asked if it was okay that she used the “they’re keeping it small” excuse on the siblings. It seems like shes trying to put the blame on you two instead of saying “we just think it best this way” or even coming up with some other excuse that doesn’t involve you. 

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