(Closed) Extremely Upset, Big Age Difference = Big Judgment

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
3329 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I don’t think it’s JUST the age, but also the short time you’ve known each other. I mean, yes the age thing is concerning to some (myself included), but since you’ve only KNOWN him for like a year, how long have you been actively dating? It sounds like you’re 100% in the honeymoon phase where everything is amazing and you don’t really know each other yet. I wouldn’t worry about marriage just yet.

I also wanted to say you are handling the criticism incredibly well, and being very mature about everything. So props to you for that. So many people on forums hear one bit of a bad news and get very defensive, so I think its great you are so open to hearing other peoples opinions!

Post # 62
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I say go for it.  Elope tomorrow.  I want to watch this trainwreck play out. 

Post # 63
Member
1191 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

View original reply
olives3 :  I assume it’s just a typo, but if you’re 53 and your dad is 23 years older than you, wouldn’t he be 76? Or 77, depending on birthdays.

Post # 64
Member
4426 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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Le :  I teach high schoolers (seniors and juniors) and imagining one of my former students married to a 41-year-old man/woman doesn’t sit well. I do think personally that getting married would not be a smart choice. This relationship is quite young, you are quite young, and you can’t even be completely honest with your families. That is a big red flag. If you choose to stay together, I think you need to do a couple of things:

-Do not rush an engagement or marriage

-Seriously talk about why you are together. Discuss life goals and what your couple life will be in 5, 10, 15 years.

– College/school/job for you? 

-How will money be handled? If you aren’t earning any or much if you plan to finish your education, what will that do for your relationship. 

-Kids? If so, when? How many? How would you act as a partnership? 

-Really talk about why your families would be concerned and be honest with yourselves here. If you plan to commit, how are you going to deal with this? 

I think you need to look at what building a life together would really mean. 

Post # 65
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
Le :  thank you for replying. I don’t know how to say this except, you’re missing the point. The point is not whether HE cares about your family – the point is if this is true love he will be making sure and using everything in his power to ensure that YOU’re ok with your family. If you look at PPs who have successful stories with a considerable age gap you’ll realize that the families were more than ok with the relationship. You’ll see that the marriage was a happy occasion because the families saw how good the relationship was for BOTH parties. You’ll see that their SOs became family members and the brides enjoyed full social support. You will also see that those couples never hid their relationship, not from friends or families because THERE WAS NOTHING TO HIDE. Do you feel like you have to hide your ages? Do you hide how you met? Why doesn’t your father know how old your SO is?

View original reply
mrstea83 :  I thought your comment was invaluable to the Op’s discussion!

Post # 66
Member
10221 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I still have the two questions on the previous page that hasn’t been answered but I’d also like to throw something else out to consider.

I previously worked in Alzheimers research and with geriatric patients so this is where this is coming from. You had mentioned it hadn’t hit you that you might lose him so early to death. Please keep in mind you can lose him years before he dies due to Alzheimers and other cognitive issues. Are you prepared to be a 27 year old woman taking care of a man who no longer has the mental capacity to remember who you are, how to tie his shoes, how to bathe, etc.? Couple this with the fact that you might also have young children to care for at this time. It could never happen but Alzheimers is fairly common and its something to think about. How will you feel about him if his personality completly changes due to some sort of medical issue? 

If that were to happen you would need to be able to financially support yourself, any children, as well as your SO. Thats a pretty big burden to take on and something the two of you need to talk about now.

Have you discussed important things like his wishes if he is medically incapacitated and cannot make decisions for himself? Does he want to be kept alive on machines if something happens to him or does he want “the plug pulled”? This is something all couples need to communicate about but honestly its likely going to come time for you to know these things much sooner than your friends or other people your age. Its something I would discuss before deciding to get married.

I’m not trying to be dramatic, but when I think of myself and if I was dating someone with this big of an age difference these are things I might not consider up front.

Post # 69
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

Oh boy.  I know it sucks for you at the age you are, but I can absolutely see your parents viewpoint.  You are 19 and he is over 40!  I dated a man over 40 when I was 23 and at the time I thought we were in love, he was the most amazing man I ever met, yada ya.  It took a couple of years after he “broke my heart” to realize what an icky situation it was and how much he took advantage of me. 

If you are anything like I was, I know you won’t see it now and you don’t want to hear it.  Good luck to you.

Post # 70
Member
936 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Thanks for clarifying about the typo, I’m glad to hear you are considering a very long engagement. Good luck to you bee! 

Post # 71
Member
4426 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

View original reply
Le :  You mention you have dated a lot of abusive guys. I’m really sorry. You deserve better. But, age does not mean a person is right for you. A man or woman of any age can be manipulative and abusive. Did you have any counseling to help you deal with the abuse? To help you recognize the signs of an abuser and any patterns you tend to go for in men that then abuse you emotionally/verbally/physically? I do think it would be really valuable for you to be single while you figure out who you are and what matters in life to you. It seems (and I’m really trying not to be rude here) that this guy seemed like a quick fix and you didn’t want to be alone. You owe it to yourself to have the life you want. All of it. I would just be really, really cautious. 

Post # 72
Member
6876 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I say whatever you want to do with your own life, so be it. But do you intend to have children? If so, I can speak from that perspective, as I am the child of a union between people with a 22 year age gap. First, I love my mum and I loved my dad, but I knew I’d never marry someone significantly older by the time I was 8 or so. My dad would take me to the park, and my friends would ask if he was my grandfather. People routinely asked if he was my mum’s father. While he was very athletic and active when he was younger, I only have memories of his health failing – stroke, heart surgery, diabetes, etc. At the time when most people look forward to their children leaving for college and being able to travel (around the time my mum was in her prime), my mum was a care-giver. My dad died of complications of pneumonia when I was a junior in high school.

I am well aware that someone may get hit by a bus at any time. Young people can have health issues, too. But when you marry someone 22 years older, you are more or less signing on to be a nurse and a caregiver. Look up average life expectancies in this country, and then consider that many peopel have a long period of declining health prior to death. Do NOT consider how healthy he is now, as my father was incredibly strong and athletic, but that didn’t stop the ravages of age-related health issues. 

Like I said, YOU choosing to spend a good chunk of your life as a caregiver is one thing, but think twice if you are considering bringing children into it. Do you want to be bundling up a toddler late at night to drive to the hospital to have them say goodbye before daddy goes in for triple bypass surgery – just in case? Do you want to work full time and then cart the kids in to see dad in the hospital on countless different occasions? Could you handle caring for an adult AND a child/children?

Please consider things like this before moving forward. Love does NOT conquer all, and alienating both your families and suffering the harsh judgement of friends (and strangers) does not make for an easy life. Who will you turn to when/if you need help? It’s all roses now, but think about things seriously. Everyone faces hard times, and yours will likely come sooner than most if you continue this relationship. Who will be there to help if they all are turning their backs now?

Post # 73
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
Le :  just curious as to what this means:

“I’m planning on getting a new job in his location…”

Are you in a long distance relationship?

***

I mean this in a helpful/honest way and not to hurt you but you sound SO impressionable in your responses and like you are very conscientious with responding to almost every Bee directly… And saying “good point” or “yes, Ill do that”‘or “ill follow your advice!” It makes me worried as to if you have a personality that someone who is controlling can prey on. 

And the part about him saying you are welcome to be a housewife…

I dont know…these comments are just throwing a lot of red flags for me.

When I was 19, I thought I met the love of my life and was going to be married. You grow and learn and life goes in different directions and now at 37 Im finally getting married! Theres no rush! Find yourself, take your time, think things through…

good luck to you

Post # 74
Member
7897 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m almost 40 as are a lot of our social circle. If one of our friends started dating an 18 year old I would side eye the shit out of him (but not the girl). I guess it’s possible that this is some kind of fairytale romance. But more likely I think there is something wrong with this man. 

Post # 75
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
Le :  2015/2016 is when you met? when did he propose? That seems quicka and would be a huge red flag to me.

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