Extremely upset with fiance's behavior after big fight

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 121
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

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princessanon0125 :  It doesn’t sound like she said she wasn’t happyb when he told her:

“Because he was telling me that he’s having to give the money to his mom and how difficult it was for her to put money together for her down payment. He had already decided. He was not asking for my opinion.”

Post # 122
Member
279 posts
Helper bee

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soexcited123 :  I have no doubt that OP does, from her point of view, have his best interests at heart and I’m not doubting that she thinks his mother guilt trips him. But she also thought she had his best interest at heart when she talked him into agreeing to quit his job because of her jealousy, (which she now sees as unreasonable, but at the time, she thought she was completely justified in doing something that most people would see as problematic). 

I’m not saying OP is wrong about the mother guilt tripping her son, I don’t know. But she does write about how jealous she gets and it’s possible that what she thinks about her fiance’s mother is a part of this. I’d be interested to hear if he really believes his mother guilt trips him, or if he just agree’s with OP because he doesn’t want to start a fight.

OP has a lot going on in her life on top of her relationship troubles and I do think talking to a professional may help her tell if her feelings about her fiancee’s mother are reasonable, or not (like being jealous of the woman at his work).

Post # 124
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

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rose292 :  Then tell him that soon so that he does not waste any more time looking for jobs.

Post # 125
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

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rose292 :  i haven’t read all the replies so I may be missing some crucial info..

 

However from what I’ve read, forcefully kissing you is of concern. End of day if you look at your 10 year relationship as a whole would you consider this one off behaviour a dealbreaker? Something to consider.

 

The stress could be because things are getting even more real now that you are engaged and are looking at life together forever you may both be more critical of things which leads to doubt around whether you want to go ahead with the huge commitment that is marriage or not. Even if you’ve talked about getting married before, actually being engaged adds another level of seriousness to your relationship

Post # 127
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

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rose292 :  That’s a step forward. I hope you begin therapy soon and it works out for you. But I would also say that don’t withhold affection from your fiance, and that’s something you must stop doing immediately.

Post # 128
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

What he did was wrong (but not abusive for me), but so are you!! You withhold all the intimacy for so long and even didn’t ask how is his day? You expect to fix the emotional aspect first but have you consider what he needs?

Man and woman are very different and that’s why communication and compromise are very important. 

And to those who said it’s OP rights to not want to have sex because it’s her body, really??? We are not talking about rape here. This is a case where OP withhold sex because of her unhealthy jealousy (which she’s aware of). Do you think if a wife never wants sex because she just didn’t feel like it, then her husband have to live without sex? Maybe you can check out the deadbedroom board in reddit and find out how it feel to be rejected all the time.

Post # 129
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

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Newgirl87 :  Nobody has to live with anyone, but he is choosing to stick around, though probably hoping to reconcile and having sex again in the near future. 

Post # 130
Member
4971 posts
Honey bee

Sorry OP. I cant get all worked up over a forceful kiss. How non-PC and #metoo, but I live in a world of shades of gray and a forceful kiss is a hell of a long way from rape or assault. Was it wrong? Certainly. Was it heinous? No. What’s much more disturbing are your actions, both yours and your fiance’s. Withholding affection and intimacy as punishment, making unilateral decisions without consulting the other, profound jealousy, this relationship is a train wreck and you want to focus on a kiss. 

Post # 131
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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rose292 :  I know you’ve already said you’re going to tell him he doesn’t need to find a new job. But I just wanted to encourage you in that. It doesn’t matter where he works, shops, works out, etc. – there will be women there. Some of those women may develop feelings for him. The important thing is that he was honest about it and told you. He’s shown himself to be trustworthy. So trust him. 

As for your withholding affection, you only drive people away with actions like that. 

Finally, I’m sorry your relationship has reached the point of the forced kiss. I do think the two of you can recover. But first you have to acknowledge and address the root problems. Right now, the root problems are your unreasonable jealousy and your punishing him for those insecurities. The other root issue is his inability to be rationale with money, and prioritize you as his future spouse and include you in financial decisions. 

If his mom can’t afford the down payment on a house, then she can’t afford that house. She needs to find a house she can afford or live in an apartment while she saves. It’s no one’s responsibility to subsidize her life. You don’t want to be married to someone who will bail out anyone’s poor life decisions and lack of budgeting with money taken from your own goals out of guilt.  

Post # 132
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

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knotyet :  Agree with this. In my opinion, I think you can get past this as a couple but you’ll have to put in a lot of effort and will need to be very patient with each other. It does seem both of you are willing to put in that effort as you have agreed to start with counseling. Best of luck.

Post # 133
Member
4121 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with pp who say you’re both wrong, and neither’s wrongs justify the other’s. 

I will add that if his co-worker keeps coming on to him, particularly when he’s made it clear he is not interested, that’s sexual harassment. 

Post # 134
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

You will not find much support here to be honest with you. People tend to pile on and pick posts apart when a poster admits to doing something wrong on here. It’s great that you will seek counseling with your fiance. That is the right way to do it. I think you can save your relationship if you are both willing to regularly go to therapy, take the advice and actively work on your relationship.

Post # 135
Member
725 posts
Busy bee

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sunburn :  What the hell? A forceable kiss doesnt need to be rape to not be a shade of gray. It’s assault. Assault is not ok. 

I don’t know what kind of messed up political agenda you want to use this as an excuse to promote, but telling people assault is not a big deal is pretty screwed up.

You don’t have to support OPs other choices to think assault is beyond the pale. Dismissing that isn’t helpful—-it’s supporting a really troubling culture. Tell OP you don’t like her behavior all you want—-but don’t brush off assault and pretend you are “oh so cool and un-pc.”

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