Post # 1
My husband wants a divorce and told me of his decision on Saturday.
We have had a rough year but stuck it out and were in a better place but now he says he can’t pretend all is fine between us.
I might be judged but I’m desperate to talk and can’t with friends.
In 2018 I had an affair with a friend. He and his wife have been friends with my husband and me for a few years. She used to work with me and that’s how I first met her.
I don’t know what I was thinking and it went on for 3 months, but then I realized how wrong it was and that I loved my husband, and we both wanted to stay with our respective partners, so we ended our affair. I feel sick with guilt to this day.
I don’t know why it happened. We were happy but the monotony and boredom of everyday life was weighing me down. I was also tired of my job. Not an excuse I know that.
His wife found out some months after we ended it and she called my husband and told him.
He was devastated and wanted to leave but I begged him to stay and give me another chance. He stayed and we have worked hard to mend our relationship. We were doing better but I discovered last month that he has been having a revenge affair.
He won’t admit it is but the timing would indicate otherwise. It began merely months after he got to know of mine.
He doesn’t want to be with me and plans to file for divorce. He says he really tried but he still feels sick and gets mental images of me sleeping with another man and he will not be able to move on and the ship has sailed.
I want him to stay with me but I also don’t know if there’s anything that will help him move on from the past. I wanted to suggest moving somewhere new, starting afresh together.
Please help me.
Post # 2
anon97 : It honestly sounds like too much damage may have been done with both of you having affairs… You could suggest going to couples therapy, but you obviously can’t force him into it. You might want to get into counseling for yourself, to try and help you work through this as it sounds like it’s over and you need to accept that.
Post # 3
You can suggest counseling then moving together for a fresh start. If he will listen.
Cheating then revenge cheating doesn’t sound like an emotionally healthy relationship. It would take a lot of time and work to repair the relationship on both of your parts. If you aren’t equally invested in repairing the relationship then it won’t work. Find out if he will commit whole heartedly to saving your relationship. If he won’t, then you might be better off having a fresh start by yourself.
Post # 4
bibliophilacticbee : Biblio’s advice is spot on. Maybe not possible to save it if he’s not invested in the repair. Sorry bee.
Post # 5
Sorry bee, sometimes it’s just a dealbreaker for people. Are you in individual counseling to work on yourself? That’s probably the most important thing that you can do, and maybe it will show your husband how much you care (but it still might not matter).
Post # 6
I’m sorry, but this is kind of…you reap what you sow. There are some things you can’t come back from, and it’s good for you to realize that. If you loved your husband so much and respected and wanted your marriage, you should not have had the affair in the first place. Now that it’s been done and in the past, the only way to move forward is to accept the consequences whatever they may be, and move on with your life hopefully a bit wiser.
Post # 7
People who have “revenge affairs” are not invested in saving the marriage. You will be much better off in the long run if you accept that it’s over.
Post # 8
Had or is having an affair?
If he’s still having an affair, then this is a huge uphill task.
Post # 9
And how do you know he only had an affair to get back at you?
Post # 10
Unfortunately it sounds like his mind is made up, and unless he is willing to work on the marriage, you need to let go and accept his decision. An affair is deeply hurtful behavior and has severe consequences. Hopefully you’ll take away a painful, but valuable lesson from this.
Post # 11
Have you tried conselling? What did you do to “mend the relationship”? Is his affair still on-going? How did you find out about it?
I agree with pps, it sounds like his mind is made up. You can suggest counselling, but I doubt moving is going to be a good option. If he was honest with you about his affair, that’s a good step. It sounds like you found out some other way though. If it’s over, you may be able to reconsile, but if he doesnt want to there isn’t much else you can do.
Post # 12
anon97 : agree and go peacefully. It’s amazing he even tried to work it out. He gave it a go, he can’t get over it and now he’s being self destructive too. Honestly you got more of a chance than I believe you deserve (I don’t hold with cheating ever). Get in therapy to figure why you went wrong because we all know there’s a real reason there that you aren’t admitting, and let him go without creating a fight. He deserves that now.
Post # 13
KittyYogi : No, I’m not in counseling at the moment.
Post # 14
slivergreen90 : Because it happened soon after he found out.
He is still seeing her, so yes.
Post # 15
anon97 : Bee, I am sorry to hear that, but trust me I think so sad it is. The ship has sailed like he said.
I was in your husband’s position found out my Ex Husb cheated on me with my friend when I was in vacation and got surprise when I tried to surprise him.
I tried to forgive him and made it work out, but it is not the same, I saw him with different view… I felt disgusted when he touched me or even kiss me, leave alone intimate. I can understand your husband’s feeling and from my experience, it seems like failure that can not be fixed.
Forgive your self and learn from your mistake and move on, it is better for both of you.