Facing divorce- Please help

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
Post # 151
Member
6827 posts
Busy Beekeeper

beetobe27 :  Agreed. And she doesn’t seem to understand the risk that he and this other woman may develop feelings for one another. Because she’s decided they must keep sex and romance separate that’s of course how it will be…

Post # 153
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

anon97 :  “But if you agree from the beginning what your boundaries will be, it’s far less likely to happen.”

You are wrong. You can’t agree to make something that you cannot control a boundary.  By virtue of it not being something you can control, you cannot affect the likelihood of it happening or not happening. It’s an illusion of security.  

Also, if your husband was emotionally involved with his girlfriend before, what makes you think that’s stopped? That’s probably why he’s insisting on an open marriage. You are in deep deep denial. I know it hurts but you need to get help and face the truth.

Post # 154
Member
6883 posts
Busy Beekeeper

“But if you agree from the beginning what your boundaries will be, it’s far less likely to happen.”

Oh, like when you commit to be faithful in marriage?That worked out well before…

Image result for riiiiight gif

Post # 155
Member
6827 posts
Busy Beekeeper

anon97 :  Oh, Bee. They “were” emotionally involved and they are still together. People don’t have switches that turn on and off like this. If they no longer have feelings they tend to end things. Why do you think you can put boundaries on their relationship after the fact? 

Please do find yourself a therapist. At this point you are only delaying the inevitable–you can’t stand the idea of your husband in a relationship with someone else and he’s already in a relationship with someone else. Have you even discussed your rules and boundaries with him? 

Post # 156
Member
12288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

anon97 :  “I don’t know what his relationship with this woman is like now but there was emotional involvement originally and I will not be able to handle it if it’s still there and he wants to continue it.”

As PP said, people don’t turn these things on and off.  They are involved emotionally. That ship has sailed. 

You seem so intent on the idea of separation of romantic and physical love that you are deluding yourself. Your boundaries mean nothing to him right now. 

Post # 157
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

anon97 :  Oh dear. Now the open marriage request makes sense.

Post # 158
Member
6839 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

anon97 : I don’t know what his relationship with this woman is like now but there was emotional involvement originally and I will not be able to handle it if it’s still there and he wants to continue it.

How you don’t see that this is one of the main reasons WHY your husband now wants an open marriage is mind boogling! The emotional attachment ship has sailed. 

Post # 159
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

llevinso :  Denial is a powerful emotion…

Post # 160
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

One thing I don’t get: did your husband say that he wants an open marriage where you both can sleep with others but not have other romantic relationships, or is that your understanding of what an open marriage is?

Post # 164
Member
4602 posts
Honey bee

That’s because he doesn’t want an open marriage with you.

What he actually wants is to be rid of you. 

But then you begged him and begged him and his solution was to avoid the hassle, drama, and expense of a divorce by saying he’ll “let you” stay married to him so long as he gets to keep his girlfriend.  It’s a win-win for him.  He doesn’t have to lose money paying for lawyers and splitting his assets and he still gets to technically be rid of you because all the time he’s spending with the girlfriend (or allegedly having emotionless sex with randos) is time he doesn’t have to spend with you.  And “letting you” have sex with other guys is pretty much just tit for tat so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about keeping his girlfriend and you’ll have something to keep you occupied because he’ll be with her.  Because nothing he has said or done says he wants to work through the underlying issue that makes you repellant to him.  He’s not willing to go to therapy and he’s not willing to give up his girlfriend – pretty much the two things that would need to happen to be able to work on the issues the two of you have together if he actually wanted to be with you in any capacity, open marriage or monogamous.  You’re deluding yourself if you think otherwise.

Post # 165
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee

This is the thread that keeps on giving.

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