Facing divorce- Please help

posted 4 weeks ago in Emotional
Post # 166
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

anon97 :  You won’t leave him alone even after he left, so to have some peace this must be the next best option. I can’t imagine his girlfriend would want to spend an indefinite period of time being a side piece so he’ll probably leave you eventually anyway tbh.

Post # 167
Member
2585 posts
Sugar bee

anon97 :  It’s clear that your H is showing you that you no longer hold the power in this relationship and you don’t get to make the rules. 

If you want him to stay, his girlfriend is going to be his #1 and he’ll save the money by not having to divorce you.  

Honestly, just call it quits now because he isn’t going to follow your boundaries and unless you are ok with it, then I think he will divorce you.  

 

Post # 168
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

anon97 :  It really sounds like he wants you to go away and is trying everything to make that happen.

Post # 169
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

anon97 :  At this point he’s just saying yes to the open marriage to get you to shut up and leave him alone, to be quite frank. He’s exhausted from dealing with you because you refuse to take no for an answer so he’s just throwing his hands up and saying “fine! Open marriage!” but he has no intention of ever forgiving you, moving forward in your relationship, or cutting his new girlfriend out of his life. 

Post # 171
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

anon97 :  Are you desperate to have him back at any cost? What if he loves his side piece more than he loves you? Even then? 

Post # 172
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

beethree :  I think she’s hoping he’ll cut the romance and reduce his relationship with the girlfriend to a sexual one.

Post # 173
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

anon97 :  He only moved out a few days ago. My guess is he still has stuff at your house. Moving back will allow him to get his ducks in a row. Heck, maybe he’s even already talked to a lawyer and they told him not to leave the marital home! Maybe he’s realized you’re the one who destroyed this marriage so you should leave, not him, and after living back home for a bit he’ll be able to convince you to get out. Who knows!

What we DO know is that he doesn’t trust you and he DOES have an emotional attachment to his girlfriend. Just because he might “know” what an open marriage means doesn’t mean he’s going to abide by those boundaries. It’s obvious he won’t. You’re being willfully blind at this point and clinging to a dead relationship just because, I dunno, you’re terrified of the thought of divorce…which would obviously be the best thing for both of you. Maybe he’s terrified of divorce too. What I do know is you two are not going to live happily ever after together. Too much damage has been done.

So yes. Continue this sham of a marriage. You’re going to do it anyway. Maybe he’s just as deluded as you. 🤷‍♀️

Post # 174
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

llevinso :  He’ll probably continue until the side piece puts her foot down and gets tired of being the “other woman”. That’s a good point about returning to the marital home on the advice of a lawyer.

Post # 175
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

Ask him outright whether he’ll put an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. No, not just the romantic bit. There is no way this is working if she stays in his life, that’s for sure.

Post # 176
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee

anon97 :  Instead of asking llevinso questions only your husband can answer and sticking your head in the sand…try answering some questions.

1.  You’ve already been living together for the past year and that didn’t fix your marriage, so what makes you think him just moving back in and occupying the same dwelling space will fix it now?

2.  You’ve already both slept with other people and that didn’t make your marriage better, so what makes you think sleeping with more people will fix it now?

3.  Both of you have done pretty much all you’re willing to do (take vacations and sleep with other people) to actually fix your broken marriage and have already said you’re not willing to do anything else other that what you’ve tried and has already failed, so what makes you think doing more of the same and continuing to ignore your deeper issues at the root of it all will fix it now?

All you’re doing is setting yourself up for a very superficial “marriage” at best where you essentially live separate lives and have no real meaningful interaction but both get your mail at the same address.  If that’s all you want out of being married, then I guess just keep on keeping on.  Don’t take any real meaningful action to work through your problems that led you to this place.  

 

(P.S.  I know you won’t answer these.  You seem to ignore people who hit a little too close to home and see through your b.s. and so far every update you give has just proven me right so far.  So I won’t take it too personally when you don’t respond to these questions either.)

Post # 177
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

annabananabee :  Some people would rather have the status of wife/married over being divorced regardless of how the relationship is. There are a number of couples I can think of who are married but live completely separate lives!

Post # 178
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee

lavender9 :  Oh I’m sure there are a few Charles and Diana types out there, so maybe the OP is one.  They are probably hanging out on a different message board though cause I feel like only maintaining a facade of a marriage is a pretty niche interest.  Your standard mainstream wedding/relationship message board is probably going to be people primarily interested in having functional partnerships with mutual respect where one partner hasn’t expressed contempt for the other and already flat out told them they no longer want to be together.  So maybe just OP needs to cast a wider net on the internet advice.

Of course Charles and Diana got divorced eventually, too.

Post # 179
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

annabananabee :  Such people are probably not on any messageboard to begin with because they are probably past the point of caring in most cases.

Post # 180
Member
86 posts
Worker bee

beetobe27 :  He must have thought that an outrageous proposal such as this one would put an end to the begging and pleading but it didn’t deter her, so if that was the plan it has backfired!

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