Facing divorce- Please help

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 242
Member
6663 posts
Bee Keeper

anon97 :  Don’t you think individual counseling would be beneficial for you whether he returns or not? You have some shit to work through, Bee, however this works out.

Post # 243
Member
244 posts
Helper bee

saturnian :  A tattoo was just in her list of suggestions–they can be really awesome, healing things for some people. Obviously if that’s not OP’s thing, she won’t get one.

OP, I’ve been following this thread (and your other thread) and have refrained from commenting because I just don’t know what to say. I am baffled, after all the damage that has been done, that your thinking still revolves around making this marriage work. You carried on an affair for three months because you were bored? There is literally no guarantee to your husband that you’ll never be bored again. And, as many other bees have pointed out, an open marriage as one giant bandaid to “fix” your marriage is incredibly ill-advised.

My main point for posting was to retierate: for the love of god, CONSIDER. INDIVIDUAL. THERAPY. Seriously. Please.

Post # 244
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

californiasun :  I think the point of an open marriage as bandaid is that she and he can’t get bored again if they can sleep around with others, at least not sexually. They can get sex with others and have variety in the bedroom.

I don’t agree with the mindset but I imagine that’s the rationale.

Post # 245
Member
5488 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

Ok first let me say… some of these people are being completely heartless and it’s easy to judge someone from your high horse on the internet. You had an affair. You made a mistake. That doesn’t mean you are the worst person on the planet. Affairs have been in existence as long as monogamy. Infidelity is universally denounced and universally practiced. So, your mistake is only wasted if you’ve learned nothing from it-which it sounds like you have. Secondly, therapy can only help you to do the work you are committed to. You can’t force your husband to commit to the work ( and it will be hard work) but you can ask. He has the option of saying no-and that’s his right. Thirdly, respect his wishes. Allow him to heal in whatever way he needs. And allow yourself to heal too. 

Post # 246
Member
244 posts
Helper bee

beetobe27 :  Totally agreed on the rationale, but her wanting zero emotional intimacy from her husband with anyone else besides her in this open marriage, when she’s already admitted he was emtionally shot after he found out about her affair, logically doesn’t make any sense. It’s like putting a bandaid on right after getting out of the pool, before you’ve dried off. 

Very much agreed about that’s probably her general mindset right now. 

Overall, OP, I just cannot see how you expect this to work after everything that’s been done and after your attempts to fix things here.

Post # 247
Member
12119 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

“I would consider individual counseling if he agrees to come back home.”

 Once again, you’re trying to make the rules. Tell your husband you are getting counseling regardless of what is in it for you, and that you remain committed  to working on yourself with no guarantees, not because you want something. 

Post # 248
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

He’s waiting for you to accept that he will continue having a girlfriend and you are waiting for him to drop the affair? 

Not sure how this is going to work to be honest.

 

Post # 249
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - Ireland

JFC I can’t believe this dumpster fire is still going after 17 pages. My dog is better at accepting feedback than this broad. 

The recent statement of refusing to even consider individual counseling unless H moved back home reeks of manipulative trash and tells us all we need to know about OP and this situation, honestly. All these well meaning people tasking the time to respond to her with genuine advice is a waste.of.time. Oy. 

Post # 250
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

bowlingallie1989 :  How is being judgmental and insulting going to help her? She may not be getting therapy but that doesn’t mean she can’t use this website for advice or support. It’s easy to tell others what they should do, but not always easy to take advice onboard when you’re in the middle of a challenging and painful situation. 

Post # 251
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - Ireland

slivergreen90 :  because the phrasing of “considering therapy if he comes home” makes me perceive her as manipulative and just wanting what she wants because she wants it, not someone who is genuinely remorseful and willing to put in the work and REALLY face facts on this situation and the damage she caused (whether she’s facing those facts in therapy or not). This thread does not read as geniuine to me, but the advice from so many (such as yourself) IS genuine and that is ridiculously aggravating to me. 

Post # 252
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

bowlingallie1989 :  Not everyone is quick to take advice but hopefully reading the replies can help her look at her situation in a more practical way. There will always be cases where people don’t take suggestions onboard but the purpose of the board is also to allow people to open up and seek support/feedback, which is what she’s getting here. I suppose if she continues to ignore advice, members will eventually stop offering it as well.

Post # 253
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - Ireland

slivergreen90 :  agreed, and to clarify I think it’s the willful ignorance of most of the comments and advice that really grates me. Like honestly, my beef isn’t really with her lifestyle choices, it’s with the lack of integrity to stand by these decisions good or bad and accept whatever consequences come with them. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes – but then you accept them, learn from them, and move on rather than trying to bargain or deny or ignore or twist things so they’ll go your way. That’s the crux of my issue here. 

Post # 255
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

weddingmaven :  “Note that his first instinct was not to bash you on the lack of openness, boundaries or honesty, but on the fact that he could not stop seeing it in his mind. “

Exactly and it sounds like he is indifferent now, so he doesn’t care if you sleep with others. He may not even be interested in you sexually anymore.

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