Facing divorce- Please help

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 256
Member
10221 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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kayaa :  

You just said it all, Bee. OP’s husband has reached indifference.  Once you get there, the circle is complete.  You’re done.  

The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference. As long as there are feelings of anger and hatred, you are still hooked into the relationship.  Not in a healthy way, but, there are still emotional ties.

After a toxic relationship ends and you go through the grieving process, the other side that you finally reach is indifference.  You just don’t care anymore.  You don’t wish your ex any harm; and, you don’t much care about what may be good. You eventually start to notice that you don’t think about them very often.

Indifference = emotional liberation.

Post # 257
Member
40 posts
Newbee

OP,

I posted on your other thread as well and as I wrote there, my boyfriend was in a polyamorous relationship in the past and is in a monogamous relationship with me. Cheating cannot be justified by saying you are non monogamous and couldn’t control yourself. It is always a choice.

Just because you naturally lean toward non monogamy doesn’t excuse having an affair. Your husband might be agreeing to an open marriage because he doesn’t want physical intimacy with you anymore, and would prefer that you get it elsewhere now. He is getting it from his girlfriend.

Therapy would be a good start for you to explore your own self as a person and what you want from life and relationships. 

 

Post # 258
Member
2976 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

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slivergreen90 :  you are completely right. The insults are completely disgusting. Where is the humanity? 

Post # 259
Member
4793 posts
Honey bee

I agree that being a cheater doesn’t define you for the rest of your life, however, OP is not accepting of the fact that she fucked up and now she is trying to demand that her H move on from her fuck up.  She wants him back and she wants him back on HER terms.  IMO, she lost that right when she cheated. He gets to make the choices now.  He gets to define the terms of their reconciliation because he is under no obligation to forgive her.

 

 

Post # 259
Member
4793 posts
Honey bee

Dupilcate post

 

 

Post # 261
Member
13780 posts
Honey Beekeeper

“He doesn’t want to be with me and plans to file for divorce. He says he really tried but he still feels sick and gets mental images of me sleeping with another man and he will not be able to move on and the ship has sailed.”

So he not only gets sick of the thought of you with your mutual friend, behind his back, but would have been sick about the idea of you with anyone at all and cannot get past it. This does not sound like someone who is typically into the idea of open relationships now, does it?

What he is into right now is his girlfriend, not an alternative lifestyle. 

Post # 262
Member
267 posts
Helper bee

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weddingmaven :  Very true.

You’re setting yourself up for a lot more heartache if you want an open marriage with no emotional relationship outside marriage. Because your husband is already putting another woman before you.

Post # 264
Member
7803 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I mean, doesn’t that give you your answer? 

He doesnt want JUST you. He wants her. Or you and her. Or you, her, and many others. But you are not a priority – she is. 

Post # 266
Member
267 posts
Helper bee

Obviously you are not a priority now. Out of interest, do you both own the house or does he own it? Wondering why he is thinking of returning at all.

Post # 267
Member
6292 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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anon97 :  So now that this is completely turned around and he DOES in fact want an emotional relationship with her…. what now?  This is nothing like what you hoped for.

Post # 268
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

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anon97 :  with every post you wrote, it is very clear your husband has started a new relationship with someone else and he is moving further away from you. This is a whole brand new relationship he’s found. It started off with just sex, they then became emotionally attached to one another and he now has his own place where this natural progression can take place even further for the two of them. It’s a matter of time before she moves in, if she’s already not there constantly anyway. Please see the writing on the wall, this ship has sailed for you. Very soon he will be a speck on horizon of the former life you two shared. Accept it, it’s happening whether you like it or not.   

Post # 269
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I was once in a marriage where my ex cheated on me, it was so hard and no matter how hard we worked at our marriage, too much damage was done. I’m so sorry you guys are going through this and we all make mistakes. We did do marriage counseling as our last resort, it didn’t work for us, but it may work for you guys. Try talking to him and see if he’s willing, if not, I’d respect his feelings and grant him the divorce. Good luck hun!!!

Post # 270
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

It’s better if you realize now rather than later why reconciliation is a bad idea with a man who is emotionally invested elsewhere. Are you going to accept his condition now that you know what’s on his mind?

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