Facing potential single life at 35 years old – am I crazy?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
10509 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’d rather be single than in a sub-par relationship. You aren’t happy with the relationship. He says marriage is 3-4 years away? I mean why on earth waste your time with that? You could break up with him, meet someone else, get married, and have a baby in just the time he’s telling you to wait for him. 

I’ve seen a number of my friends hold on to relationships they aren’t that happy in just out of fear of being single. But you’re just prolonging your unhappiness when you could be happy and single and looking for someone who suits you better. 

And if you have a long history of picking crappy men maybe some therapy would help you sort that out and break the pattern? Just settling for this guy probably won’t make you happy in the long run though. 

Post # 3
Member
644 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

You really need to add a TLDR because I couldn’t get through this block of text. But judging by the sheer amount you’ve written, maybe this isn’t the best relationship for you. People in happy relationships don’t write complainy novels about their partners on the internet. They just don’t.

Post # 4
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m sorry, I stopped reading about halfway through. You don’t enjoy any of the same things, he makes you feel bad about seeing friends and family once every other month, and he told you your sister is a terrible mother and her kids are terrible humans. I think you need to throw this one back, Bee.

 

I also suspect that if you asked literally any person in your life, and you insisted you wanted 100% honesty, they’d tell you to walk.

 

The best thing you can say about him is he pays his bills and you trust that he won’t cheat. Those aren’t good qualities Bee- those are the bare minimums you should expect from any decent adult.

 

ETA: Also, whatever you decide, a big fat, NO FUCKING WAY to you supporting him for 3 years while he goes to law school. You do that for a spouse, not a boyfriend you’re not even sure you want to end up with.

Post # 5
Member
1584 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I don’t see what you’re getting out of this relationship

-he’s nowhere near proposing

-he judges you for drinking, going out, not supporting him

-you do much of the housework, but he doesn’t see it

-he’s not “there” professionally

-he snaps at people for no good reason

-you’re no longer compatible in terms of social activities

The list goes on. This relationship is borderline toxic.

You need to have higher standards than “he doesn’t cheat on me” and “I really love him.”

In the time it takes him to get ready for marriage, you could become a mother and a wife to someone else that you actually like and likes you back.

Post # 6
Member
6160 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

I’d be out. Don’t stay with him out of fear of being single. You can and will meet someone better. He sounds like a controlling man with anger issues. Next!

Post # 7
Member
2731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
@anicoles2003:  A few things. Your doctor wasn’t being cruel, just letting you know what’s up. It’s the medical standard that pregnancies at 35 and older are considered geriatric pregnancies. They are treated differently after the age, so it sounds like she’s just being a good doctor and letting you know, in case you wanted to have children and would be worried about that or have questions about it. 

Secondly, you mentioned you’ve dated several ahole boyfriends, and your sister said your boyfriend snaps and she’s not comfortable with him and hasn’t been since early on in the relationship. So this begs the question: how long are you giving these guys after you determine they’re not right for you, or they’re jerks, or they have a temper problem that they don’t address for 2 years? You don’t have to stay in each relationship a minimum amount of time (such as two years). It’s far better to end things the moment you find out it’s not working or isn’t going to be the person that could make a lifelong partner, so that you can find the right guy. It sounds like you’ve been letting these guys waste your time. 

Post # 8
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee

Bee, you seem very sweet and level-headed.  But you have to admit that if you look impartially at what you wrote, this has red flags all over it.  Your partner doesn’t treat you well.  Cutting you down and talking to you and your family like you’re somehow less-than is not acceptable.  I agree with PPs that helping to pay the bills and tolerating you (because that seems like all he does) is not a “good” relationship.  I can tell you, it doesn’t get easier either –  I’m now 15 weeks pregnant and I’ve now snapped at my husband more times than I care to admit.  Luckily our relationship is super solid and we’re able to talk it out and give each other grace; it doesn’t sound like this guy will be able to do that.  Not exactly marriage/family material, there.

And his treatment of your family is unacceptable.  Who does he think he is?  You gotta get out, bee.  Better single than together (if you can call it that) and miserable.  You’d be amazed at how your life can change in just a couple of years.  Don’t waste another 5 on this guy to go to law school, graduate, and then dump you after you’ve “carried” him financially during that period.  

All the best.

Post # 9
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Get out.  It will only get worse once married.  In 4 years you could be married and have a baby with someone else!  If you don’t trust him around your nephews would you trust him around your own child?  Maybe your nephews are spoiled little terrors, but they are family and children.  How could he say he never wants to be around them again?  That’s a crazy red flag.  He doesn’t have to enjoy them but he’s the adult and can walk away when they are being too much.  He will soon alienate you completely from friends and family, and he will twist it in a way that you think he’s in the right and they are wrong.  My ex did that exact thing.  Everyone called me out on it but I couldn’t see it until years went by and I lost some relationships.  Luckily, my family loves me and I was able to rebuild some after the divorce.  Speaking of that, yes, he had a real wedding.  My first marriage was at a court house and my sister and her best friend were the only ones to know for about 6 months.  I don’t consider that a wedding but still told my husband about it right away.  He has kept these things from you and was perfect because he needed you to need him before showing his true colors.  I could go on and on.  I lived a life very similar.  However, you sound like a very fun, independent person who will rock being single at 35!

Post # 10
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

At the beginning of your post, you sound very level-headed- someone who knows she is independent, can be single without feeling lonely, and then it progressed into a sad situation with your almost abusive bf. I say ‘abusive’ because it looks like he is beginning to distance you from family, friends, a good career, and a good future for just yourself, usually telltale signs that he will start to really take you down emotionally and psychologically so you eventually stay with him whilst berating you constantly.

There are major red flags all over your post, the fact he yells at his mum- if you see a man mistreat the person who gave him life, do you think he will treat a girlfriend better? No! because he has no respect for women, simple as that.

The fact that he yelled at your nephew and bad-mouthed your sister to you should NEVER be allowed. who does he think he is yelling at a kid? Is he a father? What does he know about parenthood? I have nieces and nephew and I would never allow that to happen, they are my world and that love goes so deep that no one will tell me ‘you can’t see them or I don’t like them,’ they will just have to deal with it.

Make an exit plan, DON’T TELL HIM, take the dog, dump his loser ass, and block him/change your mobile number. You will be much better without him, you’ll be able to travel, get that amazing career, get your friends/family back, have all the wine you desire with no one to make you feel bad. And please get some therapy after this, if you already see a pattern on the men you date, take time off and sort it out, I am positive you will get there. You seem strong and not yet beaten down completely by him. If you stay this will only get worse. You will be fine with the age, you are still young and there are different ways to become a mother. Good luck. 

 

 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
1658 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like You are a pretty awesome person. You have a great job, awesome family and friends, and know how to let loose and have fun. 

So I am not sure what you’re doing with this guy. 

It sounds like you guys have nothing in common and the fact that he’s mean to your family, NO WAY. He sounds like a self-absorbed jackass. And I get wanting to go to law school but you holding you BOTH up financially and not being married. HELL NO! That is something you do with your spouse not a boyfriend. 

I say leave his ass and go be happier on your own, which it sounds like you will be. But waiting 3-4 years for a guy that treats you like this does not sound like something you’d be happy with. I would rather be alone than be in this sort of relationship.

Don’t settle. You deserve a true partner in life, not some turd that snaps at your family and is mean to you. Good luck, Bee!

Post # 12
Member
527 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

There are other, better men out there who will be more suited towards you. You mentioned he was different before. Manipulator and abusers often hide their true selves until they have you “locked down.” He knows that certain things would drive you away when you’re only 6 months in, but that you’re less likely to break up once you move in together, especially to a rural area. 

He’s yelled at both your nephew and your mother…has he ever yelled at you (sorry if mentioned, I too skimmed the post)? Because verbal and emotional abuse are still abuse. 

Post # 13
Member
651 posts
Busy bee

I didn’t read most of this, but certainly enough to have an opinion.  You are incompatible.  

Stop trying to force it to be “good enough” in your mind just because he is better than past boyfriends.  It sounds like a pretty low bar you’ve set for the remainder of your life, which is likely to be another 50 years.  There’s a guy out there for you who is worth the wait.  

Post # 14
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

So, regarding the dog/nephew incident, here is what would have been acceptable:

 

Kate, I feel really bad if things are going to be awkward between me and your sister, but your nephews were really being rough with the dog and I was worried for his safety. I don’t want to tell your sister how to raise her kids, but I am worried about what will happen next time the kids are in the same room as the dog. What should we do next time?

 

Instead of- your sister is a terrible mother and your nephews are terrible people, and I never want to see them again!

 

First of all, completely unfair to you. Second of all, no room for compromise. Third, it’s all name calling- nothing productive or sticking to facts. Unless you have neglected to mention that your nephews were in the process of some kind of ritualistic animal sacrifice, your boyfriend was WAY out of line. Instead of figuring out a workable solution, he just doubled down on his rigid, self absorbed ways.

 

FYI, if you break up with him, be very careful how you navigate the breakup process. He sounds like he has anger and control issues.

Post # 15
Hostess
4636 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
@anicoles2003:  I will admit, I DO have a problem choosing partners. I seem to end up with the verbally abusive, lazy, angry at the world types.

I’m sorry bee, but your current S.O. sounds like the same kind of awful guy you tend to choose.  Plus he seems to be trying to (and somewhat succeeding at) isolating you from your friends and family.  I haven’t been in your situation before, but your relationship doesn’t sound good at all.  You’re not even two years in and he’s had a major personality change?  The mean man who snaps at children, your family, friends, and makes you cry is the real him.  Honestly, I’d be thankful he’s nowhere near proposing, because he just sounds awful.  

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors