Post # 16
This guy does not sound like he’d be a good dad. Toddlers are irrational and frustrating at times…do you want to raise kids who are afraid if their dad? I was raised in a household like that and have struggled with perfectionism and anxiety my whole life. You can do better.
Post # 17
You don’t even LIKE him anymore. So let’s add it up:
You don’t like who he is.
Your family doesn’t like who he is.
He is controlling and angry.
He wants you to support him while he doesn’t propose.
You admitted you have been staying FOR THE DOG.
So… your question is whether you should stay with him for a lifetime a misery? What would you tell me if I had told you these things? If you told me to stay because I feel “old” (your’re not old!), you wouldn’t be a very good friend.
Post # 18
In the beginning, I was leaning more toward this being a case of him being depressed and not getting help for it, but I don’t think that’s what it is. It seems like he’s one of those guys who wants all the conveniences of a modern relationship with all the control of an old fashioned one, and you not being willing to constantly be around him to wait on him hand and foot and be grateful for the opportunity is making him angry, but he can’t say that. Instead, he’ll slowly close you off from your friends and family until he’s your everything and you’re fully emotionally dependent on him because he’s alienated everyone. Having a good heart means nothing, all people have a good heart to start with, but our actions determine whether of not we’re good people. His actions aren’t the actions of a good person, they’re the actions of an abuser. You are a put-together person with a good head on your shoulders, if you put your mind to it you can absolutely find someone better. Don’t settle.
Post # 19
Everyone is coming down on him for yelling at your nephews – which you admit are “monsters” – if a “monster” child was terrorizing my dog you’d better believe I’m going to yell at them. It’s completely besides the point now, but why wouldn’t you or their mother stop this behaviour? Yelling at a child for abusing an animal is hardly the worst thing he’s done.
Anyways, besides that one point, you guys just don’t sound compatible anymore. I would NOT support him while he goes to law school indefinitely. I would NOT commit to 18+ years tied to this person just to have a child. You need to get your ducks in a row with regards to the house, but other than that, cut and run.
Post # 20
Thank you so much for the response. I’ve thought about seeking therapy, just because I seem to keep making the same mistakes when it comes to relationships. It would be nice to get a grasp on that and break the pattern once and for all. I’ve just always been afraid to take that step, I guess. Thanks for encouraging me to take a step in that direction. 🙂
Post # 21
I agree 100%. I’ve always told myself that if any relationship drives me to write a drama-filled post on a random internet forum, then it’s probably not a good relationship. Thanks for your honesty! 🙂
Post # 22
Yes, my doctor is awesome! I know she’s being upfront and honest, which I love. And I was trying to interject a tad of sarcastic humor into the post, to try and lighten the heavy content (sigh.) I know I’m of an “advanced maternal age” and have full faith that I’m healthy enough to still procreate in the future, should that be in the stars for me. If not, there’s always adoption! And yes, I see that there’s a pattern of sticking it out with the a-holes a lot longer than I should. Some show their true colors much sooner than others. I think with my current bf, it took about a year for me to really see the true him. I stayed, because of the fear that there’s nothing better out there. Our plans for the future excited me as well, so I assumed that I must just be picking out all of the things wrong with him and needed to focus on the good. And there is plenty of good. But unfortunately the bad always outweighs that. As a Bee suggested before, maybe a good round of therapy will help me discover just why I continue picking partners that are no good for me. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, while expecting different results, right? That’s about where I am right now. lol. Thanks so much for your comment. 🙂
Post # 23
Thank you for your comment! And I agree, verbal abuse, is abuse. He hasn’t yelled at MY mom, but HIS mom. And of course he yells at me. I feel like there’s no “fighting clean” with him. He tells me it’s not yelling, but I’m pretty sure when a vein starts poking out in your neck and you’re foaming at the mouth…that’s yelling. And I honestly just don’t want to be treated or talked to this way. It’s exhausting. Thank you so much for your response. 🙂
Post # 24
Your post really bummed me out. You are very clearly a bright, fun, adventurous social butterfly and you sound like a blast! This guy is holding you back and dragging you down. He’s breaking your spirit
You didn’t want to answer your sister’s question about whether he makes you happy because you know he doesn’t make you happy. You sound miserable and sad.
I think you already answered your question in your OP. Your picker is broken. This guy is the same as all your other exes- lazy and verbally abusive
You said you enjoy being single so I think you would be much happier dropping this boat anchor and picking up and fishing elsewhere. You can and will find someone who is a much better match for you but you may want to seek therapy first to address your tendencies to pick verbally abusive men
And please be careful when you leave him. He could escalate
Post # 25
I agree with you about the dog, 100%. My nephews do NOT need to abuse our dog, or any animal for that matter. The “abuse” I witnessed was more of a “rough playtime” but still, we saw it, and put an end to it. I would protect that dog at all costs. My boyfriend is very protective of this dog too, and he is our world, so I completely understand where he was coming from. It’s just that this isn’t the first instance of him snapping at my nephews, for just being kids, crying, being too loud, jumping on the couch, etc. I think this was the instance that my sister had finally had enough though. I understand that my nephews need to be discilpined in matters like this, I truly do. But I believe there is a right and a wrong way of going about it. I was on his side at first, and was defending him wholeheartedly, until he unleashed that my nephews are terrible and he never wants to see them or my sister again. That isn’t a very constructive conversation, and I assume that he will continue to find things wrong with my family to the point where he expects us to have nothing to do with them. And that will never happen because as much as he hates to hear it, my family comes first in this situation. Thanks for commenting! 🙂
Post # 26
Sis I’m gonna be honest with you. I could not read through all of that….it was just too much. However if I’m not mistaken the gist of your post is “Is this as good as it gets for me? Should I try for more?” The answer will always be yes. I have so much to say girl! How to edit!
The idea that you can’t find another guy that would make you happy is the most ridiculous, illogical fear that we all seem to attach ourselves to. I mean look at it logically….there are over 7 BILLION people on the planet of which nearly half are men. Out of the 3.5 billion men are you telling me there isn’t another guy out there that can make you happier than this guy bee? I’m just sayin…..the numbers work in your favor girl. Drop that type of thinking because it only wastes your precious childbearing time.
Another thing. Bee you need to raise your standards. Never let someone disrespect you, especially someone you consider marrying! He openly treats you with contempt and you blow it off like its nothing. That makes me wonder why you think that’s okay. Why do you believe you can’t do better than him because OP you can certainly do this bad alone. Its telling that everyone in your life who has met him speaks negatively of him and yet you think he’s husband material.
The problem here is not him…..its YOU.
You have such low self esteem that you’ve set low standards for a mate and you’ve ended up with exactly what you set out to get……a substandard mate. And now you’re wasting your remaining childbearing years trying to twist him into an acceptable husband/dad. Do you hate your future kids or something that you would raise them with a man who has no problem verbally abusing them???
Read self help books, get a life coach or get some counseling but PLEASE do whatever it takes to get you to a point where you believe you deserve better. At the very least, think about what kind of father you would want for your future children and then compare with your current reality. Hopefully it will be eye opening.
Post # 27
The thing that stood out for me was that you said other people don’t like how he speaks to you, and that you know he’s sarcastic but you are never offended.
But just a paragraph before that you said he cuts you down and makes you cry and doubt yourself.
My ex was like this. He’d ‘jokingly’ put me down and I thought I was fine with it. But over the years it impacted my self confidence more than I realised until we broke up and other people spoke kindly to me.
Sounds like he doesn’t let you be yourself at all.
Post # 28
@secondtimer18: I noticed that too.
OP, when you say you don’t mind that he’s sarcastic with you, and “pokes fun” at you- be honest- do you really see this as good natured ribbing that other people misunderstand, or does he just have you convinced that you’re “too sensitive” if you don’t laugh off his malicious needling of you? I mean, we aren’t there, we can’t know, but plenty of toxic people like to insult those close to them and then whine that they were just “joking” when called on it and their victim needs to learn how to take a joke.
Post # 29
There is always someone better out there and it doesn’t have to be hard. I met my husband at 33 and we are now married with a baby due and a house we just bought and we will have done all of that in 1 month under 3 years time. So it is possible to meet someone and not waste any time. And to make you feel even better we met on the Bumble app.
He is wonderful and has never raised his voice to me. We are the kind of compatible that makes a relationship easy. That’s what you are looking for. Don’t be afraid to end something that isn’t working. The dating apps are helpful. Our good friends who are married and just had their second child met on tinder and my coworker and her fiancé met on ok Cupid.
You need to leave this relationship and never look back. None of what you described is healthy. He basically covered up who he was until he thought you were too invested to leave. You deserve so much better.
Post # 30
Being single would be 1000% better than being stuck in this train wreck. Life is too short.
I didn’t read the whole thing so I’m not sure if you’re tied to the house mortgage or deed, but if you are I’d start taking steps to get out of it.