Facing potential single life at 35 years old – am I crazy?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
610 posts
Busy bee

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@anicoles2003:  I pay have some insight into why you attract assholes. Join the club, we have jackets. 

https://www.yourtango.com/2018311194/5-personality-traits-attract-narcissists-relationships

It sounds like you are wasting precious time with this. Don’t settlrt out of fear. Dump the dead weight, and date purposefully being upfront that you are looking for marriage/children and dating to find that, not have a fling. 

Post # 32
Member
549 posts
Busy bee

Just popping in to say single life is better in your 30s than 20s.

 

You can afford more things the way you want them, and it’s just darn comfy and satisfying to do it your way.

Post # 33
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

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@jellybellynelly:  

As an adult, there is zero reason to yell at a child – especially one that’s not yours! You can and should discipline children and stop bad behavior, but if you have to resort to intimidating the child with a booming voice and by scaring them with the implicit threat of violence (which is all yelling is, really – a way to startle/scare someone into compliance) you’re doing it wrong. As the adult you should be able to stop the child and explain why their behavior is bad, even punish them, without having to yell (beyond perhaps calling their name loudly to get their attention – but not extended yelling). 

ANYWAYS that’s all I’ll say about that because I don’t want to derail. But I hate to see people advocate yelling as a discipline technique, it basically only produces two types of children – the nervous kind with anxiety, and the kind that model that behavior and are loud and violent. 

Post # 34
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

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@anicoles2003:  

I’m honestly really feeling for you that you say “of course he yells at me.” That should NOT be an “of course.” I think it would be really good for you to (a) leave this jerk ASAP and (b) just take some time being single, reflecting, and getting to really know yourself before dating again. I do think you need time to figure out why you gravitate towards people who treat you poorly. Without that relfection and addressing the root of the issue, the cycle will inevitably repeat. 

Post # 35
Member
8373 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@nattywed:  The OP says he “snapped at him. Yelled even.” It doesnt sound like he was “extended yelling” as you say, and if it was a one off then its not likely going to scar them for life. I’m also hardly “advocating for yelling as a discipline technique” LOL.  

Post # 36
Member
1518 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

 I’m sorry. I did read most of this. I just wanted to say I was engaged to someone with temper issues before. He usually didn’t take them out on me most of the time. There was other abuse for me not related to his temper. But he went from being sharp with my family members and eventually literally physically attacked them because they were doing something he didn’t like. Only me screaming kept him from hurting them. And I am so so grateful he dumped me now because it freed me up to eventually meet my husband. I do not think that type of behavior is okay and anyone who yells makes me really nervous because I have seen what can happen if they further lose their temper. I would dump a man now for him yelling at family alone.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hugs 🙁

Post # 37
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

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@jellybellynelly:  I’m using context a bit, if (a) he’s the type to yell at her frequently, foaming at the mouth and veins popping and (b) it was bad enough that the mother no longer wants him around the kid, I’m guessing it was pretty bad. People generally don’t stop contact with someone altogether over a little snap. BUT I’ll concede it’s possible it was nothing at the mother overreacted. With all the peices together though, I’m pretty sure it was more than that. 

Post # 38
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

You went through the beginning honeymoon phase with him  Of course it was wonderful. Now you are in the more realistic phase of a relationship where you see both the good and bad things about him. In my opinion, this relationship has run its course. Forget that you are 35 and want a marriage. You two are not compatible in major ways. Every relationship has to go through some fine tuning to last. But you have very different ideas about many things. This will not improve. Cut your losses and move on. If you ever got to the point where you had premarital counseling together, any season counselor would advice you to postpone the wedding. Remember the good times but realize he is not the right man for you. 

Post # 39
Member
10102 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@anicoles2003:  

Sorry, but l couldn’t get through it all either OP. I have to agree though, that he doesn’t sound the one to me. He isn’t who you started dating and fell in love with is he ? Plus your sister is ‘deathly afraid’ to have the kids round him?  I have almost no tolerance myself with animals being roughly handled but sounds like he went ballistic . 

Sad, but seems to me you need to move on from him….

l have to also add I assume  ( hope) you are not in the US to be doing all this travelling and visiting and being visited ….???

Post # 40
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee

I try to make the best out of every situation, I’m super adaptable 

This is why you keep ending up with asshole losers. You lose yourself in them. Leave him and work through your issues with a therapist.

Post # 41
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee

Also, that initial phase was him love bombing you. You need to learn to recognize this behavioe and run early.

One last thing, freeze your eggs now as an insurance policy. I wish someone had pushed me to do so.

Post # 42
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee

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@anicoles2003:  so one last thing was not one last thing. This update makes me wonder if he is not isolating you, a classic abuse tactic. Please quietly get your ducks in a row and be careful when leaving. I would consider moving out while he is at work. And have some big guys with you. 

Post # 43
Member
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@anicoles2003:  there’s lots to unpack in your story, but something I personally relate to is finding out that he’d been married before. That happened to me. 

I knew my ex had been married once before, but it wasn’t until we were finalising wedding plans and I needed his marriage certificate that I saw that it said “divorced” next to his name. Obviously I was really confused. He also got defensive and angry. He left the house and said it wasn’t a proper marriage. I called his mum and she confirmed that it was a proper wedding and that all the family had attended. I should have called off my own wedding but I still loved him and I chose to listen to him cry and say that I wouldn’t have given him a chance if I’d known he’d been married twice before. 

now that I’m no longer with him, I want to slap myself! What crap! How dare he choose to keep that from me, and how dare he get angry with ME for finding out? I’m so horrified in retrospect. My current SO said it best – whether he thought he would lose me or not, he did not have the right to leave that information out, and stop me from making an informed decision. 

There’s a lot of red flags in your post (particularly the stuff about dismissing family) but the marriage thing upset me. I should not have been ok with this lie and neither should you. 

By the way, I left my marriage at almost 34 and I knew I had fertility issues. I’m now almost 38 with a beautiful son and another on the way. I adore my partner. I’m so so glad I left. 

Post # 45
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I am afraid you have fallen for an asshole again. 

Aside from the fact he is one of lifes massive bores he is also controlling and ‘snaps’. There are red flags everywhere. The only plus you have listed is that ‘he would never cheat’. This is a flimsy hook to hang your hat on. There are plenty of other men in that category who are not also completely abysmal to live with. 

Get out – go have fun and the right thing will happen when it happens. Don’t let the ticking get too loud in your ears or it will deafen you to sense. 

Also don’t worry about always picking the wrong man. We all picked the wrong man till we picked the right one. Don’t over think it.  

Post # 46
Member
543 posts
Busy bee

Just like you may feel afraid to be single at 35, he may be afraid to not be able to pursue a better career without you there to help him do that. Basically using you. I mean, he has all these complaints so why hasn’t HE broken up with you? And living together but no engagement in sight (honestly, count your blessings that he didn’t wrap you up further with marriage).

I agree with what a previous poster said that in his timeline, you could find someone else and be married.

Don’t be afraid of being 35. It’s just years. Don’t get hung up on your age. And if you want children you still have time. Don’t wait around for this guy who doesn’t even like you the way you are. Its only going to get worse and worse and worse… especially after built up resentment and blame coming from one way or the other. There’s nothing here. Do not stay with him out of fear of being single. Single is better than this, any day. Don’t worry about what he’s doing, he’s never going to change. 

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