Post # 47
Just wanted to say, bee, that I got out of a very toxic long term relationship at age 30. It took me years to gather the strength to finally and decisively extract myself from what had become so unhealthy for the both of us. It took some dating around to meet my husband, but ultimately a year after I moved out of ex-asshole’s house I met the love of my life (literally the man of my dreams; there is better out there, I promise you). Almost exactly three years after my first date with my husband we were married, and 8 months later I got pregnant. My life looks so, so much different now than I ever imagined, but in the best way. Those changes only happen if you gather the courage to take action when you see that something isn’t working for you. I truly hope that you’re able to look at your situation with clear eyes and an open heart and make the decision that’s best for you.
Post # 48
OP, you ask if you’re crazy to consider potential single life at the age of 35…after reading this post (and yes, I did read the whole thing) the only thing that would be “crazy” would be you staying in a relationship with this guy. He sounds horrible and you sound absolutely miserable. It’s very telling that you couldn’t even answer your sister’s basic question of if you were happy. You’re not! And it hasn’t even been quite 2 years yet!
He love-bombed you and the honeymoon phase has come to a very abrupt halt. Unfortunately you’ve fallen for an asshole again. And he sounds like the early stages of an abusive asshole (trying to isolate you from your friends and family is a huge, glaring warning sign). And when you say “of course he yells at me” it just about broke my heart. That’s not the way you should be thinking. That shouldn’t be an “of course.” That’s horrible Bee.
This is not the guy. Dump him now and move on with your life. At 35 you still have time. It’s not the end of the road for you. But can you imagine a lifetime of this kind of treatment from him? Being yelled at and belittled for wanting to enjoy life? Little by little him pulling you further and further away from your family? You say he’ll never win that battle against your family but I GUARANTEE your family sees it differently. They can probably already see you slipping away, see you changing. And the choice might not even be yours in a year or two because what about the next time he “snaps” at a family member and they decide they don’t want to be around HIM anymore?
The advice on here is rarely unanimous and yet…100% of the responses here are telling you what I believe you already know: DUMP HIM.
Post # 49
He is controlling. Controlling of your drinking, your friends, your vacations, your family, and these are just this things you wrote about. Time to end this relationship.
Post # 50
Bee, you had to jump in when he was screaming at your nephew. Now imagine 10 years from now when you two are divorced and he has custody 50% of the time. You won’t be able to jump in to save your children if you aren’t even in the same house.
I am 34 and currently without children. I get it. The possibilty of not finding someone to have kids with before your “clock” has run out is scary. However I would choose no children (or sperm donor children) long before having them with someone like the man you just described.
He won’t go back to being who he was at the start of your relationship. Nobody does.
Post # 51
This may be controversial, but if it allows you to get out of this relationship faster, let him keep the dog and skedaddle. I read your whole post and you can’t continue to allow your pet to keep you in an abusive relationship. It seems like he treats the dog better than you, so the dog will be fine. His name is on all the pertinent documents, so if he really wanted to he could take you to court over custody of the dog. It’s not worth dragging out contact with him that long.
Leave. Block him on everything. And adopt another dog who, while he/she can’t replace the one you currently love, will love you just as much.
Post # 52
It sounds like your main concern is that you would like to marry and start a family while you still can, and that starting over at your age makes you fret that it will never happen for you.
But do you really want to have children with this man? It sounds like you have a lot of good reasons to believe he wouldn’t be a great dad. I mean, you can’t even have him around your nephews without fear he’ll get annoyed and snap? How do you think he’ll react when your own toddler makes his 50th mess of the day? No bueno.
By starting over now, you’re giving yourself the chance to have a family. It’s not gonna happen with this dude, and even if it did it doesn’t sound like it’d be a great situation. I can’t say I relate exactly, but I do know that (before we were engaged), seeing my fiancé with his nephew was how I knew I wanted to marry him for sure. The love and tenderness and genuine joy he took in hanging out with his nephew- I knew he was gonna be the best dad to our kids some day.
Post # 53
Wow. I am just overwhelmed with all of the kind (and honest!) words that everyone has shared. I am truly grateful for each and every one of you who took the time to reach out, despite my insanely long, “should have definitely posted the abridged version” post. LOL! You are all right – I know what my answer is. I think I’ve known for quite some time, but honestly, just having someone else tell you what it is you’re already thinking, really makes a difference.
Now the hard part…it’s like ripping off a band-aid, except with a lot more “suck” right? I’m currently working on getting my ducks in a row. I love that term, btw. Thanks for whoever shared that. Once I have a plan, I’m just going to have to break the news to him and get out. Looking back now, while I was upset my name couldn’t be on the deed for the house (due to us NOT being married, ahem) this was actually such a blessing in disguise. While I worry about how he will react and how he will ultimately feel, I need to do what is right for me.
I actually had a long talk with my sister earlier today, and while she’s a little more involved in the situation than you Bees, you echo her thoughts 100%. And it was funny – at one point she made me stop and said, “Listen to yourself. You are the ONLY one talking right now, I haven’t even had to say a word and you are talking yourself out of this relationship.”
It’s hard not to feel guilt. I hate hurting people. I’m sure the majority of humans hate hurting other humans. But at the end of the day, I have to be honest with myself. He wouldn’t only make me miserable in the long run, I believe I’d make him equally as miserable. So it’s for the best for the both of us, even if I’m the only one who can see that right now. And dealing with this through covid is less than desirable, but whatever. Life is funny that way. Thanks again for all of your kind words, I feel like you are all some awesome, fun ladies as well and I would totally buy you a round of drinks if that was possible 😉 Love and happiness to all of you!
Post # 54
You miss “modern conveniences”? Are you Lisa Douglas living on Green Acres?
Post # 55
Haha! Not quite Green Acres, but close…no cell reception, utilizing a circa 1995 landline phone and being 45 minutes away from the nearest gas station/grocery store takes some getting used to when you’ve been accustomed to living in a city. The hour-long commute gets a little taxing too. Now, unplugging has been nice for sure, but working from home off of satellite internet during the pandemic proved to be a bit difficult. I also really miss ordering delivery on my lazy dinner nights. That’s not an option now. But, it’s a trade off for wild horses and burros in your backyard, I guess. 🙂
Post # 56
Holy crap. I like my creature comforts and could NEVER put up with what you are experiencing. Lotsa luck–and I’mnot being snarky.
Post # 56
Sorry to be blunt but I think it’s time to move on! 2 years and no settling down in sight? Planning on carrying him financially and sacrificing your career and progress! The way he snaps at your family and friends?! I know you mentioned he has good aspects, most people do, but that’s not a reason to stay with someone. You have to look at the big picture. You need someone you are compatable with. If he’s this much of a Debbie dower not wanting to have fun and plan trips before kids and settling down, it will only get worse usually. I think you deserve someone fun and outgoing and kind! Do not settle because you’re worried about starting over, by the sound of it – it could be years until you settle with him. You could have plenty of relationships during that time! Don’t waste anymore. Good luck!
Post # 57
- Wedding: Agoura, California
Girrrrrllll, put on your skates and RUN!!!
At 35-years-old, settling for a guy like this only makes YOU look desperate for a man…thirsty…parched!!! And believe me, he knows what he’s doing, and knows that YOU clearly don’t think you can do any better than him.
Forgive me, but worrying about your dog, marriage and having children are the least of your worries. Your time should be spent by yourself, working on your self worth/esteem/LOVE, and setting new boundaries in your life. Otherwise you’re going to keep repeating these same mistakes and carrying the same baggage into your next relationship, and so on.
Trust what these ladies are saying; you are in a very toxic and abusive relationship. It’s not going to get any better.
Those things that you desire can and will happen. But you have to first love and respect yourself. Please start today.
Post # 58
All I can say is: You’ve got this. You have it within yourself to be strong and walk away from something that is clearly toxic. There will be a day, perhaps sooner than you realize, when you can take full breaths of air, when your body and mind and spirit will fully relax, and you’ll FEEL the weight of a great decision lift you up. Keep reaching for that day, those little moments, when it’s clear you will be happier without him. I’m glad you are not rationalizing in your replies to us. I did so in a 6-year on/off relationship. I was Queen of Rationalization! And 5 months after I said my final goodbyes to that relationship, I met T and he’s nothing short of sweet, tender, amazing. You deserve that! Choose to believe that and the universe will deliver. Good luck, stranger!
Post # 59
You have NO idea how timely your post is! I literally just signed the lease and got the keys to a house I’m planning on moving in to. And while this was super exciting, the feeling of dread still lingers because now I have to break the news to him that I’m moving out. I also have the feeling of guilt, because I feel shady doing all of this behind his back. But I really didn’t have another option at this time. My mind, body and spirit are NOT relaxed, and that has been a goal of mine. Like you said, hopefully that day will come sooner rather than later. The hardest part is on the horizon, and I’m most afraid of how he will take the news/react. And of course, I’m beyond bummed about the possibility of losing my dog. But these hard decisions are necessary sometimes. And girl, I too, have been the Queen of Rationalization before, lol! I know how that is. Your story of finding your amazing love after going through relationship turmoil is inspiring and gives me hope that one day, maybe I’ll find that too. The universe has been delivering signs and messages of hope throughout this mess, and I honestly feel like every prayer has been answered since I made the decision to leave. Thank you so much for your kind words, and best of luck with your sweet, tender and amazing love 🙂
Post # 60
That’s WONDERFUL! Baby steps out of there, friend! You got this!