Facing potential single life at 35 years old – am I crazy?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Don’t feel bad about planning to leave “behind his back”. He should feel bad about being an asshole to your face.  

I don’t know you, but your update makes me feel very proud of you. 

35 and single is better than 40 and miserable. You’ve taken the very first steps toward finding your happiness (and a great guy). Congratulations!!! 

Post # 62
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

Hey Bee –  Getting older and wanting a family does weigh on the mind on a woman (and men) but we all know it’s more on the woman. haha. 
Just a warning I feel as if this may be somwhat of a rant but hopefully gives you a little peace and confirmation that you would be making the right decision to leave and find the perfect/right guy for you and your future family.

When I was younger (28) I rushed into a marriage that I knew was a horrible decision (I’ll obviously spare you all of the details) and when I was turning 30 I decided to leave.  It was almost like my birthday present to me.  To get out of a shitty relationship that would go nowhere and I’d rather get out at 30 than waste my life with someone that I knew would take me no where in life. 
At 30 I also met the love of my life (Current Fiance) and we have been together since.  I am currently 34 and he is 39.  We aren’t married yet, still about 3ish years out and Fiance will be in his 40’s.  That’s when we plan to start trying for a family.  I know that my clock is ticking and we aren’t extremely religious but we are both in the mindset that we would love a family and overall, if it’s meant to be then we will have our children.  We haven’t had any “adoption” conversations or anything But we believe in our heart of hearts that it will happen and be just fine. πŸ™‚

Short story on my Aunt.  She divorced, remarried and had her baby at 43 (Obviously this was years ago) but still gives me hope and a positive insight on babies at an “Older” age. 

My mama – she is actually getting married this year and she is 50!  They won’t try for kids (probably).  But I feel like this shows that you can find love at any age and if it’s right, it’s right.

My best friend was in a slightly similar situation to yours – overall bad relationship that wouldn’t amount to anything and wanted to leave but was scared to be single at 34.  She left and is now happier than ever and it’s almost like she is 25 again.  Not in the running around going crazy way but in a happier and more youthful way.

I think bad relationships drag you down and certaily take the happiness out of life in general.  I’m a big advocate for any age, if you aren’t happy.  Leave it.  Live your life and you’ll find happiness!!

I’m sorry this was so long but I hope that you become happy and that you find peace in your life.  You sound like a great/happy person and I hope you find happiness!! πŸ™‚

Post # 63
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@anicoles2003:  And while this was super exciting, the feeling of dread still lingers because now I have to break the news to him that I’m moving out. I also have the feeling of guilt, because I feel shady doing all of this behind his back. But I really didn’t have another option at this time. My mind, body and spirit are NOT relaxed, and that has been a goal of mine. Like you said, hopefully that day will come sooner rather than later. The hardest part is on the horizon, and I’m most afraid of how he will take the news/react.

 

OP, I am SO glad you are moving on, but I urge you to please be careful in regards to how you break up with him. He sounds like he has anger and control issues and I would not bet the farm on him handling being broken up with in a gracious and mature manner. It may not be a bad idea to break the news to him over the phone and removing anything you can’t live without from your shared residence ahead of time.

Post # 66
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@anicoles2003:  so glad you are making a new path for yourself. I second that it’s a good idea to have someone there when you break things off. I would say your guy friend and a few other friends should come inside with you and begin helping to move out the rest of your things while you quickly talk to your ex and break it off with him. That way you have people in the home, a reason to not have to go through a long drawn out drama conversation with your ex that goes on for hours and the bonus is when you are done your stuff is moved out and you can walk away from your ex with no reason to go back. 

Because the reality is you want this relationship over, so you don’t owe him the chance to argue your choice or debate it. You are informing him it’s over. That s all. Don’t give him a chance to drag it out. And you shouldn’t feel bad for him at all with you getting yourself all ready for this ahead of time. If anything this makes it easier for both of you. A clean break with no messy back and forth. And it’s always better to be safe than sorry. Don’t be afraid to call a police escort to be there when you remove your things with your friends if your ex starts to yell or get too intimidating. Do what you need to do to feel safe and free. He will be fine. 

Post # 67
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with having someone in the house. You can go to your room and break up privately, but OP, your boyfriend has a track record of shouting, name calling, and extreme overreactions. I am not saying he would physically hurt you (although I would not completely rule it out)- but I would expect a fair bit of shouting, arguing, insisting you’re not being fair, guilt tripping, rationalization of his past behavior, and the most important- physically stopping you from leaving. I can see him blocking exits and insisting you listen to him while he twists all your complaints around and makes it your fault.

 

I can already see that you feel you owe him explanations and you honestly DON’T. Even if he is the most perfect boyfriend in the world, if you’re not happy in the relationship you are always entitled to leave it. He WILL use your guilt against you. And you should not feel guilty, but I understand, feelings aren’t always rational. You are coming at him from a compassionate standpoint and people like this boyfriend will always use it against you. Having someone else in the house will alleviate this.

Post # 68
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@Tatum:  exactly, and maybe by having some friends of yours in the house with you he might behave better because he has an audience. That’s a good thing. 

but another option is you can always move your stuff out when he isn’t home and then meet him in person somewhere in public like an outdoor coffee shop and end it there. Or call him and end it. There isn’t anything saying you owe him an in person private at home breakup conversation. 

Post # 69
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@mrsssb:  Agreed. OP knows her situation best, but in OP’s shoes, I would move my stuff out of the house when he wasn’t there (which, may not be a viable option due to Covid if he’s not leaving the house much) and break up with him over the phone. Some may say that is cowardly, but honestly, even without the boyfriend’s history- if I was being broken up with, I think I’d rather not hang around and watch my ex move out of our house, especially if he had other people helping him. As long as the breakup is done via a live conversation (ie not a letter, text, or email), I don’t think there is anything disrespectful about ending it over the phone.

Post # 70
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@Tatum:  true! And when Op knows there is no room to argue or compromise and no chance of working things out, it makes no sense for her to put herself in an isolated Situation with him where he can ask for details and drag it out for hours. Her decision is final and the “why” doesn’t matter and it isn’t helpful to review all the reasons. 

Post # 71
Member
2028 posts
Buzzing bee

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@mrsssb:  
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@Tatum: wonderful advice.

This is one of my favorite things about this community- having such thorough, well-thought out, solid advice from the hive who make sure you’ve covered all your bases to get out of a relationship safely. This kind of support is so helpful  

OP we’ve got your back. Once you’ve got all your ducks in a row and are ready to move out please update us so we know you’re okay 

Post # 72
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

I do also agree with the previous comments about having someone there as well.  Just as a safety net. Most likely there will just be a lot of yelling/angry words and no physical harm.  But I think having someone in the driveway sounds like a great idea!!

If you needed that additonal support of commenters that having back up is the right decision, then I think you’ll get it. πŸ™‚

Also big props on getting items together already. πŸ™‚

Post # 73
Member
3582 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

If you don’t even feel comfortable with him being around your nephews, how the heck are you going to have children with him? Sounds like y’all are on completely different pages with a lot of things, including parenting. That’s a deal breaker. 

Go enjoy being single. And next time you get into a serious relationship, make it someone who you’re happy to have around your family. They also need to let you go hang out with friends or at Target without bothering you. These are not big asks. 

Post # 75
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

Whoa! This is intense. I seriously don’t know how you kept your cool as he kept verbally abusing you and physically threatening you whilst moving out. I’m furious for you even just reading this. Now you’ve really seen him for what he is, a total bully who has no remorse. Please stop saying he is hurt to make excuses, it is his EGO that is hurt!! He doesn’t care about you. 

You did the right thing and such a brave thing! You are out of an abusive relationship! Keep repeating this to yourself. There is bad, incompatible relationships, and then there is abuse which is another level. You didn’t leave anything “semi open ended” it is ended, done, finito, period. His reaction is a clear indicator that it was gonna get worse and he could’ve seriously harmed you. No wonder your sister had the sixth sense about him and was trying to protect you. 

You are feeling lonely now, but I assure you, you were probably even lonely before with him around. I’d recommend therapy, write down a letter or list of why you left, think of how he treated you at the end and read it when you feel like reaching out. 

“I’ve never been demeaned so much in my life.” Do you need to be treated this way?! NO. Keep this in your head! 

I hope he doesn’t have your address and tell the agent that if your ex reaches out to him/her, he doesn’t get your new info. Please don’t feel guilty, you did not betray him. You took charge of your life and dumped a loser. And if his family reaches out, I’d tell them what he did… harassing you, throwing your stuff outside, physically preventing you to move by being aggressive, and wishing you were dead. 

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