Hi Bees! I hope you all had a lovely weekend. So I wanted to update all of my supporters on this post, because it happened. I’m officially out and on my own. It definitely didn’t happen like I thought it would – almost 2 years of dating and he has not ONCE went through my phone. However, I am the worst when it comes to being fake, lying or hiding things. This must be why he sensed my energy was off, so thought he would snoop while I was out walking the dog Wednesday morning. He saw pics of the house and my text exchange between the property manager and myself. Well I came back and from that moment on, that’s when the name-calling, harassment and verbal abuse began. He told me to get out so being unprepared for this (I was planning on talking with him on Saturday) I had to run down to rent a truck. I hadn’t packed anything. He actually followed me to the truck rental facility and begged for me to not do this. Said he would go to couples therapy with me, he was willing to do whatever it takes, etc. While I appreciated the sentiment, I believe it was too little too late. So after I denied him that opportunity, that’s when he became angry and hostile.
I came back to the house after getting the truck and a few boxes, and he was drinking on the front porch (even though he’s typically SO against drinking. But I get it. He was hurt.) I tried to pack as much as I possibly could,with him following me around calling me names, telling me I betrayed him, telling me I’m worthless, I have a low IQ, I’m making the biggest mistake ever, I’m a piece of sh*t, etc. I can’t even tell you all of the things he said to me because I honestly began to tune them out. I’ve never been demeaned so much in my life. I don’t understand why he chose to stay and yell at me while I moved, rather than leave. He held the dog over my head, telling me not to touch “his dog” and that I’ll never see him again. It’s my fault I’m breaking up the family and ruining his life. He would come behind me and flip my furniture over, making it difficult for me to move it. He also took packed boxes I had on the porch and threw all of the contents into the yard, just to be a dick. I was told I was trespassing, even though I told him I was hurrying as fast as I could to get out. So basically this lasted from about 9 AM to 8 PM. It probably goes down in history as one of the most physically and mentally exahusting days of my life. The worst part of it was probably when I was telling my dog goodbye – he grabbed him from me, told me that I’l never see him again, and said, “I hate you. I honestly don’t care if you crash and die on the way down the mountain.” That cut very deep. And what I was assumed the last words he’d ever speak to me.
The next day, I realize I rushed out and forgot some important documents and clothes. I went back and he asked if we could talk. I was very hesitant just from the previous day’s encounter, but I was having a really hard time processing my guilt. Still am. I truly feel like a terrible human being for hiding this information behind his back. In all technicalities, I did indeed, betray him. He had no idea this is what I wanted, and said he was so hurt because he trusted me to at least give him a chance to talk about it. I didn’t give him that chance, and I believe it was mostly because I didn’t want to. He may have talked me out of it. But anyway, during this conversation, he got super emotional and apologized for everything. Said he was just very hurt and he never wants to see me hurt. He was leaving the house because he said he couldn’t be there without me there. He refused to take back my keys. He reiterated over and over that we could seek help, that he would seek help on his own, etc. It made me very sad and I’m still struggling with it.
I ended that conversation with I needed to go. I need time and space. I hated leaving it semi-open ended, but I told him to not contact me. I have no idea where he went on his trip. I did start having regrets about what I was doing, but I wonder how much of that is a natural reaction when you’re delving into the unknown. As I settle into my new place, I am flooded with all of the good memories, of course. I feel extreme guilt for what I’ve done, and I’m trying to get back to that place that I was when this all started. I need to remember WHY I did this. It was for me. Even though I am feeling so lonely right now. I miss my dog. I miss the companionship of my ex. I miss our routine. I miss knowing that he was always there and in the good times would show his love for me in amazing ways. Now it’s just me by myself in rental house, and I’m really hoping my mood changes or gets better. I’m trying to stay as positive as possible, and having been through breakups before I know this part is normal, but it’s just really super hard right now.
My family and friends are proud of me. For what, I’m not sure. But I know all of them shared the same sentiments about my ex. I do believe they are all hyper-judgemental with who I date (since I’ve dated so many losers, as I told you before.) My ex’s brother even reached out to me a few days ago and said he was very sorry to hear the news, him and his wife loved me like family, but to let him know if I need anything at all. That was very nice of him, but it also made me feel more like crap.
Anyway, that’s my update for now. I’m sorry it’s not a little more upbeat and positive, but I’m just “embracing the suck” at this point. I am trying to get back to that place of empowerment, hopefully sooner rather than later.