Post # 76
I’m sorry you’re sad, OP, but I think that’s only natural. You can still grieve the end of the relationship even if it was unhealthy and you’re the one who ended it.
You did nothing wrong- he’s not sorry for what he has done, he’s sorry he’s suffering the consequences for it. Funny how how poorly he treated you didn’t cause him to lie awake at night until you left him. You don’t owe him anything and it’s his own fault you had to go behind his back because he can’t behave himself.
Also, I am not sure you can be certain he’s never invaded your privacy before. If you didn’t catch him and he didn’t tell you, you would not know. But no matter.
Be good to yourself, OP. It will get better.
Post # 77
As we have been telling you all along, you have nothing to feel bad about. You shouldn’t feel guilty at all especially with how he treated you when he found out it was over. There is no excuse for that behavior.
It seems op like you are having a really hard time seeing his behavior for what it is. Since it sounds like you have a history of picking bad apples I really really want to push you to find a therapist for yourself ASAP and work through your feelings of guilt so you can re program your brain to not think his behavior is normal or your fault. I really think you need that help and support. If you do the work right now, that means you can get out there and find a healthy relationship all the sooner. Make it a priority to get some therapy, do it this week. It will give you much needed support as you process this break up and trust us, you need your normal meter re calibrated.
Also, please block him everywhere you can. Don’t give him a single way to contact you. That’s the only way to move on.
Post # 78
i just saw your update so amended my post. So proud of you bee! Stay strong.
Post # 79
- Wedding: Agoura, California
Yay! I’m so glad to hear that you’ve taken the necessary steps towards inner peace and happiness. It may feel awkward for a little while, but things are only going to get better from here on out. I wish you well.
Post # 80
@anicoles2003: I read the entire thing lol, I’m a night owl and happen to be up. So you’re a workaholic alcoholic who is supportive of friends and family, while also going to school and taking care of the house and making time for her boyfriend, but you don’t support him or care about him? Do you see how contradictory that sounds? Does this sound like the wordings of a logical person? No. I wouldn’t take his word for anything.
He talks down to you, wants you to not see family as much, wants to never see your nephew and sister again (now if you somehow marry this man, can you agree to never be around them?), wants you to be loyal only to him because of all he’s done for you, speaks down to you, makes you feel guilty for having fun, he snaps at small things, you and everyone you bring him around are basically walking on eggshells in order for him to not snap. What are the positives here? You asked how you always end up with the verbally abusive and angry types, well, “I try to make the best out of every situation, I’m super adaptable”, sounds to me like even if you saw signs in the beginning of his anger and unreasonable ways you ignored it and it never became an issue until he started doing this to family (his and yours) and friends. As another bee said, I think you should get some therapy and figure out how you always end up here. I do not think he is the one for you. You should not feel anxious to tell someone who loves you that you are going to see family, you should not be walking on eggshells, you should not be talked down to and berated. You are not happy in this relationship and should pursue a happy one with someone who actually loves you and doesn’t verbally abuse the people around him. Also the possibility of losing the dog is not a reason to stay with someone. Neither is advanced maternal age. As a healthcare professional, I can not sugar coat this for you. If you want kids soon you should have them pretty soon, but not with this guy! He’s also not anywhere near proposing and says maybe 3-4 years??? By then your clock would have practically run out, waiting for a man who verbally abuses you. Also what kind of father would he make? Sounds like he would snap while caring for the kids and will leave you to do it all alone. Please get out bee and find someone who loves you the right way. There are so many great men out there who would treat you like the queen you don’t seem to know you are yet.
Post # 81
Yayy just saw your update. Glad you are taking the steps to getting out of this terrible situation.
Post # 82
He sounds like a horrible person. There’s never any excuse to abuse someone like that. Trust me, you dodged a bullet. You will come to realise you’re so much better without him.
Post # 83
@mrsssb: It seems op like you are having a really hard time seeing his behavior for what it is.
Absolutely. OP, you are still making excuses for him and blaming yourself even when he has shown you how awful he is.
Take for example, snooping through your phone. You are quick to point out he has never done it before, and he likely only did it because you couldn’t act normal enough and he knew something must be up. You know what is a healthy way to approach this? Hey Anicoles2003, I can’t help but notice you seem really tense this week. What’s going on? vs. just deciding you don’t deserve any sort of privacy and going through your phone once your back is turned. Him thinking something is wrong with you does not entitle him to violate your privacy like that.
And as for his 12 hour verbal berating of you? He only apologized because he is still hoping you’ll come back. And he still managed to turn it back on you even during his apology– you didn’t talk to him enough, you didn’t give him enough warnings, etc. All he is is full of excuses and rationalizations for his fucking APPALLING behavior, and it appears that you have been conditioned to accept all blame, absolving him of all responsiblity to control himself.
I mean, my 8 year old daughter is now mature enough to know that you need to think before you speak, and words said in anger or while lashing out because you’re hurt is generally a terrible idea. This guy is an adult who can’t figure it out, and everyone else in his life who gives him a pass for his temper tantrums is only enabling him.
The good news is, this is not your problem to fix, or your mess to clean up. He’s got a lot of work to do on himself, and this is absolutely not your responsiblity. You need to take care of yourself now.
Post # 84
I’m sorry but he held the dog over your head?! It’s bad enough that you didn’t call the police when he was harassing you all day, but there’s a innocent animal at risk in his house. Someone needs to call animal control. Is that even his dog?
ETA : my reply sounds like I’m mad at you and it’s not the case at all. I’m very proud of you OP. I was just completely shocked when I read your update and I think you were much more patient than most people. I just really hope someone (not you, you definitely need to block him) makes sure that dog is safe.
Post # 85
Damn, that was some classic abusive behavior you experienced at the end – the snooping, the insults and tantrum, the guilt tripping, the promises to improve, the fake emotion, the gaslighting. You got it all.
I am really glad you are out of there.
And you obviously need time to mourn the relationship, regardless of his abusive behavior. But once you start to come out of the fog a bit, like Mrsbb, I hope you will get some therapy for yourself so you can see his behavior for what it was, realize that you deserve to be treated better, and learn to recognize the red flags early.
Please make sure you block him everywhere. Shut down flying monkeys. Change all your passwords to single use. Invoke two step verification where offered. And wipe your phone and reinstall your apps from start. Practice awareness of your surroundings. Vary your routines. I don’t want to scare you, but I highly doubt he is done. Just remember, it isn’t out of love; he’s mad as hell he cannot control you any longer.
p.s. “ducks in a row” was me. Glad you liked it.
Post # 86
You are NOT a terrible human being for Planning this escape. That is exactly how I left my ex-husband, and that is the only way that I was able to leave him was by planning a new place to live and getting it all situated first. There is nothing wrong with that. When you are done, you are done. Look at how he treated you immediately after, it would’ve been exactly the same whether you told him ahead of time or not. He’s devaluing you so that you will stay with him. I promise you will look back on this and be so proud of yourself for leaving the way you did. It’s just too bad he found out before hand. The last conversations that you had with him is what is making this difficult, because if you were able to have just left you wouldn’t have all these extra thoughts on your mind and the door would’ve just been closed. It’s not good to feel that it’s open ended, because it has ended. And he will not change. He will never, ever change. Everyone always says they’ll go to therapy and do everything and anything when it’s the end of a relationship, rinse and repeat. This is nothing new to hear.
Post # 87
Great job getting out of there!! After a bad breakup I kept a journal. I think it really helped putting in there why I had left him so that I would remember that when I started to feel weak. It makes total sense that you miss him–of course you do! You did the right thing by keeping stuff from him until you could get it arranged.
I agree with PP that all his drama at the end was classic abusive behavior. This is even more reason why you did the right thing by getting away from him.
Post # 88
I just wanted to say that I have been your position before and my heart goes out to you. While it doesn’t feel like it now you ARE doing the right thing. I was with my ex for 4 years and it was an excruciating relationship. I left him right after my 30th birthday and I remember how sad and lonely I felt on the first day in my apartment alone. He also treated me horribly when I left. We had a dog and owned a home together and once I moved out he changed all of the locks on the house we co-owned and refused to work with me to buy me out of my share of the house OR to get the house sold. We even had a legal agreement which he breached and it took me close to 3 years to get my money back. It was horrendous and yet I felt all those same things on my first day alone thinking about the good times and questioning whether I had made a mistake.
Less than a year after that breakup I met my now husband who proposed to me on our 1 year anniversary and married me a year after that and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. It can happen for you also, just give it some time and have faith in the decision that you made because it is the right one. *Hugs* you will get through this.
Post # 89
just a note to say I am so proud of you bee!! When you are feeling down and questioning whether you did the right thing — remember this comment and all of the ones before it cheering you on! We support you!
on a side note, I like sooo many of the other commenters have been in a relationship like this. I also had those thoughts of “ive invested x amount of time in this relationship” “if I have to start over again I’ll have wasted all this time” “can I really be single again at xx years old?” “My biological clock is ticking should I just stick it out etc etc” 6 months after my last terrible terrrible relationship ended I met my now fiancée. We got engaged after a year of dating. We are getting married next year and will start trying for kids right after. I PROMISE you, it is not too late for you. And when you meet the right person, you won’t have these doubts and questions and anxiety over it. Sending you hugs!!
Post # 90
Thank you all SO much. You have no idea how much your kind words have helped me. I just find it so inspiring and beautiful that a group of amazing strangers are so willing to help a bummed out gal find herself again, post-toxic relationship. I’m definitely experiencing the different stages of loss right now. I was talking to a friend earlier today and told her I just felt so guilty for not giving him the opportunity to discuss our issues before blindsiding him. That I broke up our “family” that he swears he cared about more than anything in this world. That he honestly thought everything was fine and dandy, because I was hiding it. That I am now even more of a reason for him to not trust women (he has a hard time trusting anyone, anyway.) But she reassured me that I did indeed, have all intentions of speaking with him and giving him a voice, but that he ruined that by snooping through my phone. Touche.
Anyway, yesterday was the first day I woke up with a little less dread of the future. Not having the dog around is honestly what is killing me, since I’m so used to our routine. He even slept right by my side. But I’m staying very busy with work, have offered to take on some new responsibilities and will see where that takes me career-wise. I’m also looking to find a good therapist in my area, because I truly believe the majority of you are right – I need to break the cycle and start seeing my worth in a relationship. I honestly couldn’t tell you how I ever got to this point (I’m blessed to have had an awesome childhood, my parents are high school sweethearts who are still together 35 years later, my younger sister married the first man she ever dated and they are living happily ever after – I’m obviously the hot mess, lol) so I don’t believe it’s my upbringing. But guess that’s why I’m not a therapist and I need to leave the diagnosis up to the professionals, haha.
Regardless, your little rays of sunshine on this thread have made my day multiple times over. And hopefully if any woman finds herself in a similar situation, she will come across a post like this and she will find strength, courage and comfort in your words of wisdom. Thank you all. xoxo