(Closed) Failing to meet FMIL's 'standards'

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

She sounds like a mother who does want her son getting married. Has she always been difficult?

Post # 4
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee

You have done way more than I would have to accommodate her ridiculous thoughts on the wedding. I’m sure it’s hard but just continue to ignore her. Engaging her seems like an exercise in futility.

Post # 5
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

As hard as it will be, ignore her. She’s looking for a reaction. I wouldn’t change any other plans to accomodate her. The lack of attention to her will do one of two things: 1) she will stop acting like a petulant child or 2) she will throw a huge, embarassing fit. 

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
3883 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Stop accommodating her immediately. You will never reach her “standards” because her standards don’t actually exist. She is just finding things to criticize and bully you about. She cared nothing about going dress shopping, seeing the venue, or meeting with the caterer, but has a boatload of opinions about all of the above. 

From now on, you and your Fiance do exactly what you want. As long as you two sign the papers, you are really married, and none of her judgements can make that not true.

Post # 7
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I’d speak up. It’s going to get worse, especially with kids. Tell her you find her comments hurtful and rude and that you tried to include her in things. Your marriage will be real, and if she doesn’t like a certain aspect, she doesn’t have to come. May be blunt, but I think that’s what this woman needs through her thick and judgmental skull.

Post # 9
Member
3534 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

View original reply
italianbride0508:  when my parents first started dating they lived close to my grandparents (dads parents) and would go there each Sunday for dinner. My grandmother kept calling my mom my dad’s ex gfs name (over a considerable amount of time). It got to the point that it was ridiculous and my mom told my dad he needed to handle it. He told my grandmother that if she did it one more time, they were no longer coming over for Sunday dinner. It never happened again. 

I feel its time for your Fiance to put his foot down with his mother. It’s not your job to defend yourself against her constantly. 

Post # 10
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee

Wow you are way nicer than me! I would have told her off by now.

You need to stop accommodating her requests and do things YOUR way. Confront her, even just over text message. She won’t stop with this nonsense unless you tell her off. 

Post # 11
Member
4055 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
italianbride0508:  Ass PP’s have said, stop accommodating her AND do stand up for yourself. She walks all over you because you allow her to. Push back. She’ll stop if you do.

Post # 12
Member
2729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
italianbride0508:  I had a similar experience. My Mother-In-Law and I always got along well during the 8 years her son and I dated before getting married. Once we got engaged though, it was like I could do nothing right. We picked our venue and when we visited her right after we told her “We found the venue! It’s absolutely perfect and a great price and we are soooo in love with it, we can’t wait to show you pictures!” You’d think with our excitement, she would’ve been happy for us or hid her dislike for the place, nope. She immediately said she hated outdoor receptions, the food probably wouldnt be good (even though she’d never heard of the place… food was amazing btw) and she actually started calling other venues behind our backs after we already put the deposit down on our venue.

Then the color choice. She kept saying “really?? don’t you think another color…any color…would be better?”. All of our ideas for groomsmen outfits were bashed. She actually went out and bought different flower girl dresses after we already got the one we liked. She didn’t like our centerpiece ideas and created new ones without asking us. We told her we didn’t want a full mass (me and my family aren’t horribly religious and we didn’t want to be center of attention for that long) and her response was “Over my dead body!”. Then we told her we didn’t want kids at the reception… that started a freaking war. She took over all the planning for my bridal shower when my mom and sister wanted to do it. She went out and bought a unity candle when we said we weren’t doing that. The list goes on and on…

Finally, around 3 months before the wedding she told me I wasn’t planning anything right, I was moving too slow, the wedding would be a disaster. I cried. My DH and his sister talked to her and told her she had to back off. After they talked to her, things got a lot better…

After we were married we moved into our rental home that needed a lot of work (painting, cleaning, setting up, fixing things). My mom and my Mother-In-Law went to the house while we were on our honeymoon and did a lot of work for us. Apparently my Mother-In-Law tried to redecorate the entire place because she didn’t like what I had done… My mom made her take everything back and told her it was mine and my husband’s choice as to how to decorate our home. She has since made comments on how I’m not cooking right, not cleaning right, etc etc.

It’s been hard and it’s strained our relationship. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Well, I’ve talking to my other sisters-in-law and my mom and they revealed to me that my Mother-In-Law is having a really hard time with my DH being out of the house. She has 7 children, he is the 6th to get married but he was the one she was always closest to, the one who does the most for her, and (this may sound bad but..) he’s the nicest and sweetest of his siblings. My mom even asked her if she was upset that he married ME and she admitted she loved me dearly but was struggling with him being married at all (he’s the second to the baby of the family). She said she had an emotional melt down 2 days before the wedding.

I think I’m just going to do my best to prove to her that I’ll take care of her son, that we make a good team, and that he’ll still always be there for her (besides, we only live 5 minutes away! He sees her almost daily). Hopefully things will calm down. Maybe you should talk to your Future Mother-In-Law because there may be things going on that you don’t know about causing her to act like this.

Post # 13
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Why do you tolerate this?! This is devastatingly rude and disrespectful, you don’t need to put up with it and have every right to defend yourself. Next time she says something have your fiance there and both of you tell her that this is your wedding, your standards, your life and she can either be polite or be completely silent. Your fiance needs to stand up for you a little more and put a stop to this behavior, it sounds disgusting.

Post # 14
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Why on Earth would you two keep indulging her? She’s acting like a spoiled child. She’s never going to be happy with anything you choose, so FORGET HER. It’s your day, do what makes you happy.

 

I’ll also tell you my grandma is like this. She was awful to my mom and was awful to me as a child. Let me tell you her tune has changed now that she’s older and realized that me and my mom are the only ones she hasn’t totally isolated. People really don’t change, focus on your happiness.

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