- 5 years ago
I’ll make the back story as short and sweet as possible….really looking for some insight from bees not directly related to the situation. My close family and friends know the situation, but I wonder if their advice is biased.
Essentially, I am constantly failing to meet my FMIL’s ‘standards’, hopes, wishes… etc. But I don’t want to meet them! Since we became engaged, I’ve made a big effort to include her in every aspect of planning. Each time I called her to invite her to things (venue shopping, meeting with caterers, etc) she’s declined, very adamently. When I asked her to come look at a few wedding venues, she straight up told me she didn’t want to come, and didn’t care what we picked. Dress shopping sounded ‘terribly boring’ Great, fine by me!
My fiance and I picked a ceremony and reception venue we LOVED. Before we booked anything, we shared our plans with our families. Everyone was excited, but FMIL’s comments were “oh, outside weddings aren’t real weddings…. that menu doesnt seem like what I envisioned….I don’t think I’d consider you married if that was your wedding”. For the record, It was a BEAUTIFUL ceremony site, with a reception at a 5 star restraunt in our area.
Her comments were hurtful and we scrapped our wedding plans and started looking again. Now, we’ve selected a much more traditional space: catholic cathedral ceremony (just a scripture service, not a full mass), more traditional (but still beautiful) reception in banquet room. Not what I dreamed of, but still something that made us happy, and was worth it to keep the peace (or so we thought).
Unfortunatley, the comments havent stopped. My non- ballgown dress isn’t “a real wedding dress”, if it’s not a full mass, it’s not a ‘real wedding’, we won’t be ‘really married’.
The comments have continued about our wedding colors, the decor of my home, the items on my registry, my career (why don’t you just settle for surviving on one income? Why are you greedy and want to work outside of the home for the extra income…seriously??), our desert choice, our meal choice, my outfit choice at my Bridal Shower. Literally, you name it, I didn’t do it how she like and it’s a disapointment she’ll never get over.
Fiance and I have discussed it and he has talked to his mom about the issues. She swears she likes me and is happy we’re getting married and is offended he would suggest otherwise (eyeroll). I used to stand up for myself, but now I just ignore more of her comments. Fiance’s advice was to ignore her, as thats what the rest of the family does when she’s ridiculous. Many of her comments are directed towards ME (via text message, when no one else hears what she says). So everytime she says something hurtful, I have to ‘tattle’ to my fiance. It is hard on him because they previously had a good (but not very close) relationship. He’s witnessed it firsthand so he knows I am not fabricating the issues, but I can tell its hurtful to him every time I have to go tell him something new his mom said.
My question: To keep ignoring and hope it goes away? Draw the line and stand up for myself? I worry that these ‘standards’ I’m constantly failing to meet will only continue (with children, etc). It’s frustrating. It’s hurtful. How do you deal !!??