@Shirinjoon: I can completely understand where you are coming from here. It’s that feeling of “aren’t I worth it? why isn’t he jumping up and down to have me? why doesn’t he hurry up and secure this and make sure i’m his forever?” And when those thoughts start to torment you, you envision all kinds of things happening . . . like years and years ticking by and then finally breaking up. Or him just keeping you around as an option while keeping eyes open for other potentials. Or all kinds of other horrible things . . . And, honestly, it is so difficult because a lot of the times you get the feelings of anger, hurt or self-pity as *though* the thing you fear as already happened.
The negative feelings often come from negative thoughts that you’ve been entertaining. So I think that you need to make sure that you pay attention to what you are thinking and what ideas you are dwelling on. And when it gets to some of those dreaded scenarios that we all play in our heads at times, stop it and switch to something else. If getting out and going for a run, or watching your favorite program, or talking to a friend, or shopping . .. helps you to get your mind on something else, then do that. But most of all, just make sure you control those thought patterns. If you get the negative thoughts, remind yourself of the actual truth. “I’m going to dismiss that thought because I know that SO and I already talked about the fact that we are planning to get engaged, etc.” to keep yourself on track.
In my experience, I went thru a really rough time a couple of months after I moved to England, because I figured that SO would propose shortly after I got here based on how serious we were and how much we had already talked about marriage before I came. And when I’d been here for about three months, and he wasn’t doing it . . . I wondered what was going on, and wondered if he hadn’t made up his mind about me now that we were finally in person, or if he was testing me out to see if I was “good enough”, or keeping options open, or losing interest, or whatever. While it was true that both he and I felt that we needed to spend more time together in person before making such a big decision as marriage, I really did feel ready after just those few months . . . that was really all I needed and I was kinda worried that it didn’t seem to be the same for him. It was so hard and did a number on my self-esteem. And like you are saying he could SEE that something was wrong, and would ask me about it and really push for it, and I would finally tell him and it would really upset the apple cart because it made him think that I was pushing for engagement and he wanted that to be his territory. In fact, I was simply trying to flesh him out and just figure out what was going on in his head and make some plans for the future (whether by myself or with him) and just know how guarded to keep my emotions.
Anyway, he just has difficulty communicating about things like love and marriage. He was fine talking about it in theory . .. but when it comes to HIS feelings for ME, and his plans for our future together . . .. it’s tougher for him to get it out. So it took a while for him to explain that he wants to get married and wants to get engaged as soon as he finishes his PhD (which should be a few months from now). I stopped pestering him after a few rough conversations, and eventually this came out when he was ready to talk about it. I think the thing that gives me confidence and security now is knowing that he brought that up because he wanted to . . . and he also mentions it pretty regularly now, saying he can’t wait to finish the PhD so we can start our lives together, pointing out other people who have gotten married in a shorter timespan than we have and saying that he is tired of having life on hold, etc. So that has really helped me.
But . . . back to the original point . . . I think it really is in learning to redirect your thoughts that you can have a lot of success regulating your emotions. Dwell on things that are positive, tell yourself that it is all going to work out and that SO is pulling things together, etc.