Post # 1
Hi bees. I’ve gone anonymous for this one because it’s so hard for me to talk about. I’ve never told anyone. I’ve been faking with Fiance for 1 1/2 years.
It all started the first time we had sex. I didn’t know him very well, but I liked him and wanted him to think I was good in bed. It spiraled from there and I have done it ever since. We have sex daily and I fake it 2-3 times per session.
I can’t orgasm from intercourse alone. I never have been able to. I have always faked it because I didn’t want to be “defective”. The difference is this is Fiance. I should be able to tell the man I love if I orgasm or not. He’s great in bed. Sex feels amazing; I just can’t orgasm.
I orgasm during oral, but only after 45 minutes or so. And I feel bad for taking so long. Lately since I “orgasm” during sex he switches to intercourse when I’m not even halfway there. And yes, I masturbate and own tons of sex toys. It’s hard for me to orgasm in general.
He also has said he’s glad making me orgasm isn’t like “cracking the DaVinci code.” It just puts more pressure. But then I think if he’s obviously dealt with that before, would he take the time on me that it would take? I mean, I’m his future wife, right? So he would?
I thought this was something I could live with but I’m in tears. How do I tell him? How do I stop?
Post # 3
Oh no.. I can SO see how this has spiraled out of control.. I’m sorry you’re going through this *hug*
I wish I had some advice, but I don’t. The only advice I have is that you should sit him down and tell him that truth, but I bet he’s going to be shocked and I can’t imagine it’s going to be a fun conversation. Maybe some other bees here have some advice if they’ve been through this before.
I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this and send you a virtual hug and some positive energy.
Post # 4
I had this happen to me with my ex, so you are not alone.
Be honest with him and tell him you’d love to explore new ways to make you orgasm during sex and be honest if something just isn’t going to work and try something else. Maybe get a kama sutra books or videos to get him interested!
Post # 5
@anonybee1955: I don’t know if I would talk about it as much as I would give him directions in the bedroom during the act. Wow, that’s a long time. You have to get him more involved in some fun ways but talking about it, hmmm I don’t know.
Post # 6
I do agree with @soladylike after thinking about it. Maybe telling him the absolute truth will do more harm than good. He may get angry at you for faking and he also might think he is not pleasuring you at all and won’t work at it out of embarassment. Maybe just say that lately you haven’t been acheiving the big O and that you need to work on it as a couple. Maybe that will not hurt his pride as much as faking for 1.5 years?
Post # 7
The PP have a very good point – talking to him about it probably is just going to shoot his self esteem. Perhaps stop faking it from now on and start giving him direction.
Post # 8
At least you have orgasms during oral, and I assume that you do with your sex toys. That’s the way I would spin it: “I can orgasm in these ways, just not through penetration”. That way it is not a big doom-and-gloom conversation. Also, if you can orgasm quicker with your toys, invite him to use those on you in bed.
And, if it makes a difference, you are not weird. I did a research paper on this in college, and the vast majority of women cannot orgasm regularly via penetration. Not only that, but there is so much shame around it that lot of those women will lie if it comes up: most likely, the women who tell you that they have amaaazing orgasms every time they are penetrated have actually never had one. So don’t feel bad! You are normal!
ETA: I disagree with PPs that you shouldn’t actually tell him. The fact that you can’t have a vaginal orgasm is pretty important for him to know, because otherwise that will be the “default” for the rest of your life.
Post # 9
@soladylike has a good point. He might take it way too hard if you sit him down formally and tell him. The easiest thing to do is to suggest new things for him to do, maybe even bring in some of your toys, and try to encourage him in the direction of what you like. Guys like trying new things, too- so your requests will probably intrigue him rather than throw him off.
Post # 10
I would not tell him you’ve been faking for a long time. Instead, I would act like “oh this one time I just can’t come!” and go from there. Have you tried lube?
Post # 11
Oh girl, most of us can’t orgasm through regular old penis-in-vagina sex. We’re just not built that way! No one I know can orgasm through sex without touching themselves. You’re not abnormal for that.
You really need to talk to him. It’s not fair to either of you to continue faking. You’re not satisfied, and he doesn’t have the chance to learn how to satisfy you. Sit him down one day and tell him you’re sorry, that you didn’t mean for this to go on as long as you have, and that you want to work with him to help make things as enjoyable as possible for both of you. He’s a big boy. He can take it.
And again, don’t just rely on penetration. It doesn’t work for you. Reach down and rub yourself during sex if you need to. Bring in a vibrator to give you that extra stimulation. Try new things! Think of it as an adventure to find out what works for you with a partner.
Post # 12
Why would you ever fake an orgasm? The only person you’re hurting is yourself by doing that. Achieiving an orgasm doesn’t make you good in bed, it makes you satisfied.
You have to come clean, an accept your fate. Your Fiance is going to be pissed when he learns the truth. Once you both get over the lie, you can start re-exploring eachother and ways he can please you.
Just so you know, not orgasming from penetration alone doesn’t make you defective. It’s actually very rare for women to be able to achieve orgasm through sex. Most women orgasm from clitoral stimulation and nothing more.
Every women has a ‘G-spot’, but not every g-spot gives orgasms some just intensify an orgasm achieved through the clit while simultaneously being stimulated.
Post # 13
I don’t think that I would tell him the truth. If reversed, I would be crushed if my guy told him he’s been faking it and I would become self conscious/lose my sex drive.
Perhaps you could say that you thought vaginal orgasms were suppose to feel less powerful so you thought you were orgasming until you talked to one of your girlfriends/watched a show/read a book, whatever and you were told different. And further explain how good vaginal feels but the release is small compared to how intense and amazing oral orgasms are.
Maybe he’ll be eager to continue oral more if you emphasis how much better it is. You could make it into a positive, exciting thing and intiate some new penetration techniques. Your attitude will determine if this being a big deal so I wouldn’t go crying to him because it may blow this into a huge ordeal when it can be worked without damaging your sex life further.
Just a side note, I’ve heard that too many vibrating toys can desensitize you.
Don’t beat yourself up about it!
Post # 14
@Soladylike: @futuremrsk18: & @peachacid: I highly disagree. Her going from “orgasming” 2-3 times per session to not at all is going to raise some red flags, and kill his performance. It’s one thing if she can’t get there one time, but her Fiance is used to her “orgasming” 2-3 times per session. At this point she’s faked it to the extreme and her only out is the truth.
The first time he will chalk it up to outside issues, the second time maybe she’s tired, but the third time she can’t get there even once and he’s going to think the worst.
OP got her Fiance used to thinking he doesn’t have to work for it, at all. It’s going to hurt him either way, at this point she needs to be honest.
Post # 15
Ok, it’s alright..if it were me, I wouldn’t go for a total confession, but in the next round just tell him your having a hard time getting there and work together to make sure you do. People’s bodies and responses change over time, the point is to stop lying about it from now on, your only screwing yourself.
Post # 16
I’d say honesty and communication are key in this situation. Unfortunately you need to come clean so that you both can openly talk about it. You can tell him what’s not working and list possible avenues to better the situation. Instead of thinking about him and faking your orgasm during intercourse, you can start vocalizing what you like so that both you and he know what will better your sex life. Instead of focusing on the pressures of sex (to be good at it, to orgasm, please him), just think about the act as pleasurable. Get lost in the feelings instead of the thoughts.