(Closed) Falling In love with him-he's deploying

posted 5 years ago in Military
Post # 2
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

It honestly depends where and why he’s deploying. If he can have regular contact with you then your relationship will continue as normally as possible. If he is deploying in a combat zone then communication will be more limited. also, how long is his deployment?

Post # 3
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

I was in a long distance military relationship with my Fiance when we first started dating. My advice is to try to take is slow and get to really know each other while he is gone. The distance and the deployment will be tough, but it is possible to get through it. I didn’t see my Fiance for the first year of our relationship, besides the two weeks he had on leave. But I think it helped us grow together and we learned how to communicate without being able to see each other. As long as you are both willing to put in the effort and are committed to making it work then I think you will be ok. 

 

 ETA: I wouldn’t be too worried about him being “unfocused.” They go through training for a reason and he should be able to handle having a long distance relationship while he’s deployed, many of them do. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  aliwar1225.
Post # 4
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My husband is a veteran and a reservist.  Know that a military relationship is not easy and not for the faint of heart.  I would caution you because it seems like you are in an extreme honeymoon phase right now because you’ve only known the dude for a month.  I have food in my fridge that is older than that.  I’m not sure what you’re experiencing is truly love…I would say it’s more of lust than anything.  Love takes time to develop.  2 weeks is not that long to have dated someone and then jump into a long distance relationship with a deployment.  I’ve seen even the most stable and strongest relationships crumble during deployments.  I’m not trying to scare you or say you shouldn’t date him, but be prepared because it isn’t at all like a typical relationship.  You won’t hear from him for days and even weeks at a time.  Are you ready for that?

Post # 5
Member
9076 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

He won’t be unfocused. The military has dumped a lot of money training him for a reason. Honestly though, it depends on where he’s going and what his job is.

A military long distance relationship is not easy. It is probably the furthest from easy. Deployments destroy relationships. Like ljm308 said, it’s not said to scare you, but to show you that this is serious. Deployments aren’t vacations, he could potentially be hurt or killed and you would never know. You wouldn’t be allowed to know unless someone happened to tell you. He could, with his dying breath say, “Let bwaystar123 know what happened to me” and unless one of his fellow platoon members took iniative to let you know, you’d never know.

It’s a rough life. My husband is in the Navy and recently got put on shore duty. He was gone more than he was home and it strained us even at our best times.

Wondering whether or not you should tell him how you feel is not what you should be spending your emotional energy on right now.

Post # 6
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

View original reply
ljm308:  I second this!

 

Sounds like you have a sweet one! But there’s a big whopping difference between love and adoration. Adoration is butterflies in your stomach, smiling at mushy texts, and thinking of how sweet he is nonstop. And that’s great. But love is different and super messy and gritty and ugly and hard. Espcially where deployments come in. Love is sitting up all hours of the night when you’re on your fourth week of not hearing from him while he’s deployed. Love is writing letters knowing that you may not get a response. Love is learning to like the completely different person he could be when he gets home. Love is listening to the horrors he’s experienced and not shedding a tear. Some nights there’s no room for both of you to be weak. Love gives you strength during those nights. Love helps you approach communication gracefully when he asks you why others didn’t come back. Love motivates you to not complain when you get zero sleep because he’s tossing, turning, and fighting a fight in his sleep that you’ll never understand. Love is never understanding but always striving for empathy. Love is what will get you through a deployment. Adoration probably will not.

If you really like him, agree to be the best pen pal and friend he’s ever had while he’s gone. Send him goofy letters, Pinterest-worthy care packages, and be there even when he can’t be there for you. If you can stick out that role throughout the duration of his deployment, then when he gets back, tell him how you feel. Love him. Verbally, physically, emotionally, and dutifully. Mesh it with your adoration and relish that you made it. Allow your adoration to truly grow into real love. And enjoy such when he gets back. That’s my vote and I think that’s probably the best advice I could give.

All deployments are different as a previous poster mentioned. If he is in a place where he can talk, definitely use this time to work on communication! My husband has done deployments and more nights away than home, and I swear my husband and I have our communication down pat. Also, keep busy and occasionally do something with him in mind; a letter, a goofy picture, a care package. These things always help me to feel better and they definitely brighten his day when he gets them. Also, if you’re serious about him and want to pursue things after he returns, start learning OPSEC and obtaining his unit information (where he’ll be stationed, what his battalion is, contact info for FRG and your local resources, emergency contact for chain of command, etc.). Deployment actually has a lot of boring responsibilities that accompany it. Paperwork, power of attorney, wills, learning who to call in case of emergency, making sure the right people have your contact info, knowing your resources, learning what’s safe and what’s not in terms of sharing details regarding his deployment and mission, etc. It’s not all themed boxes with cake in a jar and glittery welcome home signs (although, that’s totally my favorite part!) It’s a lot of work. And it requires a lot of love. Best of luck! Oh!!! And welcome to the bee! 🙂

Post # 7
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

^^^ THIS. THIS x 1000. I couldn’t have said it any better. And I 100% agree with the advice portion too. Don’t jump into “I love you” yet. Like you said, you’ve only known him for a very short time. But if you want to be there for him, be the best friend and best pen pal/care package sender ever. Then see what happens when he returns home. 

Post # 8
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
carnationsunshine:  this right here!

My husband is in the army as well, and i feel like i could have written your story, minus the deployment but moving to another base instead! Stick with him through his deployment and look at it as some time for you guys to REALLY get to know each other and develop your relationship and friendship. Skype if you can and pick things up when he gets back.

Post # 9
Member
1594 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
bwaystar123:  Just stick with it and see what happens.  You guys will grow and your relationship will develop and when he gets back home, you can go from there. 

I know everyone says long distance + military deployments don’t usually work out, and sometimes they don’t, but sometimes they do. DH and I were long distance for 5 years and he deployed countless times over that time period.  I often didn’t talk to him for 3 months at a time and we went 6 months without seeing each other for years. But we made it work.  I stayed busy doing whatever I was doing and he stayed busy with work.  There has to be a lot of trust and understanding.  Communication is key.

Just stick it out, see where it goes.  And, they are trained to “compartmentalize”, so don’t worry about him being too affected (I mean this is the nicest way possible). 

Good luck! (And I think you can fall in love in a day or a year – there’s no timeline for that)

Post # 10
Member
20 posts
Newbee

don’t rush it just because he is deploying. If it is meant to be, it will happen in time. My (now) husband and I are both military and dated through 2 back to back 6 month deployments in addition to 1.5 years apart due to living in 2 different states. We stayed friends thoughout both deployments and constantly talked and when I got home we officially started dating. The valuable part was truly getting to know one another through phone calls and / or facetime or Skype. If this guy sticks with you during the entire time he is deployed as a friend you will know he is serious about your relationship and not just after you for your looks or sex (not saying you did or didn’t do this). I am not going to tell you it is easy because it not, its really hard and requires a lot of commitment and dedication to eachother, but dating someone through a deployment will REALLY allow you to get to know him and tell you what kind of a guy he is and you will then be able to make a determination on whether or not you want him to be a part of your life as just a friend or more than that. 

Deployments are a test of a relationship. They test how strong you are, your communication skills, and can tell you a lot about a persons character and who they are. If he doesn’t make time to talk to you (email, facebook, etc) or tell you he will be out of contact for x amount of time then you probably don’t want to date someone who doesn’t make time for your relationship or tell you if and when he can’t talk, and if he does then this speaks volumes about his character and who and how important you and your relationship is to him. It really is true, deployments can either make or break a relationship. I hope it makes yours and I will be rooting for you guys!

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