(Closed) Falling out of love?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Hey, I’m sorry things are so hard right now.

I’m not married yet, so I’m not skilled in any of this, but I just wanted to say that from reading this post, it doesn’t sound like you’ve taken leaving/divorcing completely off the table – which probably makes this even harder.  I think you need to decide whether the marriage is something worth fighting for, because otherwise, every time something goes wrong, you might return to your place of “Do I really want to be here?”

I think these things he’s doing to hurt you need to either stop, or you need to find out why he’s doing them.  I recommend trying counseling with someone else, as the problem to me doesn’t sound like just a lack of intimacy – it sounds like a lack of trust.  How can you be intimate with someone you don’t trust?  

If he feels the marriage is something worth fighting for too, then maybe he’ll be able to help you restore your trust in him and the other issues will fall by the wayside.  But I think you need to get to that place first – you’ll never be willing to put in all the work that’s required if you don’t resolve to do so early on.

I wish you luck and the other bees here may be of more help to you than I can be.

Post # 4
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

As far as the smoking, sounded to me like you being in the hospital stressed him to that point of smoking. I am a new nonsmoker, and I know how devastating or worrisome events can make you want to do that. 

Otherwise, I strongly advise you seek counseling before you end the marriage. 

Post # 5
Member
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@lostgirl:  Does he know when he’s being flaky?  What does he say?

Is it discussed what he could be doing differently to make you happier? (ei listing positive actions he can do rather than complaining about what he does wrong?)

Have you asked him what you could be doing differently for him to be happier?

 
I would start seeing a marriage counselor alone for a while.  Is he anywhere near the point that you are?
 

Post # 7
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@honeybee1999:  Totally agree with this.

Also, about your father being in hospital, is it possible that hospitals freak him out and he can’t stand to be in them for long periods of time? How did he react when you told him how hurt you were about him leaving you?

Do you actually want to make this work? If so, you may need to try and “fake it till you make it” approach with sex. It is possible that you’ve lost some connection because you are a physical person and now that you aren’t being intimate as much, you’ve lost the feeling, which makes you less likely to be intimate, which makes you feel less love etc etc as the cycle continues. 

He is most likely feeling very unwanted at the moment, so it is possible that due to this, he isn’t trying either. He may feel like it’s a lost cause, or, he has tried and is tired of being hurt. 

It sounds to me like it’s your turn to try and to really put the effort in.

Also, if might be helpful if you sit down and plan out when you both want to have children. It can’t help to have the possibly of him turning around tomorrow and saying “let’s have a baby” hanging over your head. Have an honest conversation about both of your expectations so that you know where you stand. 

 

Post # 9
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@lostgirl:  Thank you for the additional information. If he is being rude and disrespectful and not listening to you when you tell him so then something is wrong there. 

I wonder if a different counsellor or going to counselling individually might help?

I’m sorry that I have no more suggestions, it’s as though there is something going on in his head that he won’t talk about, but is the key to why things aren’t great.

Post # 10
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Sounds like you are coming into the more self-aware part of your 20s. It’s the phase that people try to tell people who marry young about…but people who marry young rarely listen.

It sounds as though your relationship has probably run its course and you’re ready to experience a new phase of your life.

Post # 13
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You’re both really young, which I know I would have been super annoyed to hear when I was that age, but, if I married the guy I was with in my early 20s…. well, I’d be divorced now for sure. that doesn’t mean your relationship isn’t right but just tread lightly. don’t have a baby!! You need to figure out your relationship first! It might not be right for you, I’ve changed a lot in the last ten years. On the other hand, he could just need to grow up. i met my fiancé when he was 27 and frankly I don’t know how we stayed together- he was kind of a nightmare! But now at age 31 he’s like a different person! More dependable and caring. he used to ditch me when I needed him too! So your husband could grow up too. I guess no one can tell you what the right choices are but I would definitely avoid adding anything to the mix (like a baby) until you’ve had a few good years together where you feel like youre solid. If you cant get there, then you have to do what’s right for you- you certainly do have your whole life ahead of you!

Post # 14
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@lostgirl:  Of course it is difficult to not picture him in your life. You have been together for a long time and you are comfortable with each other. I’m not saying you should leave, but I was also in a long term relationship (six years) and I found it so hard to say goodbye because of all the great times we had, how we were great friends, how I loved his family and they loved me, etc. But you can’t hold on to something because you’ve had it for so long. That’s not a good enough reason, IMO, if you are not happy as things are now. 

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