Post # 1
My fiance Is a great man and we share the same values. We’ve always fought a little but lately I haven’t been feeling in love with him and now that I think about it it’s been a while. We’ve been together 3 years and got engaged in January. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know if it’s me or him. We both could be better about spending quality time together and are often distracted by phones at the dinner table. When I see couples that are touchy feely and look like they are so much in love I want that and we don’t currently have it. Has this happened to anyone? Anything you did to fix it?
Post # 2
I also don’t get the butterflies feeling but it’s been 3 years but I also am never in the mood to be touchy feely with him and I never look at him and lust after him if that makes sense
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2022 - Maui
1) read that Love languages book
2) make rules about the phones when youʻre together
3) plan a weekend getaway just the two of you with phones only for pictures
If you guys cant enjoy each otherʻs company without the distractions then you need to have a tough talk with each other and possibly take a break or try dating again like in the beginning.
Post # 4
That feeling is something many couples go through after 15, 20, 50 years of marriage. Not in the early stages. It’s not a great sign for your future. Is there something that happened that may have impacted your feelings? Does he feel the same?
Post # 5
Some may think differently, but relationships takes work. It’s not always going to be rainbows & butterflies. If you two are willing to find that “spark” back, then do it. But if you’re checked out of the relationship, that’s not fair to either of you. Grass isn’t always greener on the other side, it’s where you water it.
Post # 6
Just engaged… you should try to remember why you wanted to be engaged to begin with, that might help put so things in perspective for you. Then you will be able to make a decision about your fiancéz
Post # 7
I am by no means an expert. This is completely based upon my experience and opinion. I believe relationships will run hot and cold as they progress over time. This may be a temporary phase you are going through or it may be a more concrete conclusion you are arriving at. Sometimes relationships require a little more effort to increase the intimacy and feelings of love. Sometimes people grow apart.
Again, therapy may be helpful in determining what it is you want in the future and in a partner.
Post # 8
Hmm. Thats a rough spot to find yourself in, especially when you add in the engagement factor.
I guess if you want to work on your relationship, try to re-introduce some intamacy or romance. See if it will kindle that flame a bit. Have you spoke with him any? He may be feeling the same way, and it may be something you can work on together.
Post # 9
Agree with the PP who mentioned the Love Languages book! Such a good read. If you think you can work towards finding love again, stick with it! Don’t give up and fight to stay together. Try to remember why you fell in love years ago.
Post # 10
I have a few suggestions of what we have done. I think relationships take a lot of work.
We have an agreement that we use no electronic devices during meals. This gives us a chance to talk to each other and enjoy each other’s company.
We plan time alone together. We both have Sundays off, so we go to brunch and go do something else together.
We plan vacations away. Even a one night/two night stay is a nice getaway.
We workout together. This is a great way to stay in shape, and it helps us be closer.
Post # 11
Well, the “in love” honeymoon stage feelings are only supposed to last for around 1-2 years for most people. Yes, some people say that they are still just as “in love” with their partner as they were 20 years ago, but studies show that for most people it’s more like 18-24 months. After that you should still love your partner and be attracted to them, but you probably won’t have butterflies every time you see them, so I wouldn’t really strive for that. Your body simply isn’t designed to sustain that rush of hormones for the long haul. Like PPs have suggested, read the Love Languages book. And then work on what you need to feel connected and have a romantic bond with your partner, without expecting it to be fireworks all the time.
Post # 12
I don’t think you should just jump up and leave the relationship, but I do think you shouldn’t let it continue how it is going. Have you thought about premarital counseling? I agree with PP when she said this isn’t a good spot to be in after only 3 years. Hubby and I have been married 2 together almost 6 and I still look at him sometimes and can’t believe he’s mine. This isn’t something you’re going to be able to fix by yourself, you’re going to have to involve your Fiance and work at it together if you want to make it work.
Post # 13
What have your other relationships been like, OP? And how long have they been, typically? Do you typically keep the lusty/touchy-feeling and the butterfly feeling? Have you been in serious, long term relationships for extended periods of time? I ask because I think it’s common for couples to go through ups and downs of being “can’t get enough of each other” and comfortable with each other. All sorts of things make a good marriage. But it sounds like you aren’t excited about being with this man for life, and I think I’d give yourself a bit of time to try to figure out why that is.
Post # 14
It happened to me, with my ex-husband. We did not fix it – we separated and I filed for divorce.
I don’t know if he fell out of love with me – my guess is yes – but I definitely fell out of love. We also spent more time on our phones than actually talking, but towards the end I didn’t care and actually got annoyed when he tried to spend quality time with me. First I fell out of love, then I genuinely did not like him as a person any more and knew it was time to leave.
I do think it’s something you can work on. My issue was that I wanted to address it, he didn’t, and by the time he realised something was wrong I had checked out of the relationship emotionally. If you can both acknowledge it and take steps to address it (date nights, less device use, counselling) things might work out. Just in case, I would probably press pause on any wedding planning.
Post # 15
Sounds like spending so much time on your phones might be a symptom of the distance you’re feeling, not the cause (though it surely isn’t helping). My only advice is don’t marry someone you’re not in love with. It’s tough to call it off but much harder to get a divorce later, which will likely happen when one of you does meet someone who gives you those feelings.