Falling out of love with fiance?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Next month it’ll be 3 years since I met my husband.  I definitely still lust over him, and we’re still touchy feely.  We do have a no phones at the table rule.  And once a week we have 3 hours in which we spend doing something together that’s not a chore or an errand…. Pokemoning, walking the dog in the park, going out to eat, a movie, etc.  I’m of the mindset that love is a verb and a choice.

Post # 17
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

bridetobespring2018 :  

Do you *like* him?  Respect him? Is he your best friend?

The magical *in love* feeling doesn’t last forever.  Love is a very fluid thing, it ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes.

Sometimes people just have the right chemistry and they remain very physically attracted to each other.  Truth be told, those kind of instant connection romances usually have more to do with unresolved childhood issues than anything else.

If you like and respect each other, what you have could well be salvageable.  If your thinking is the grass is greener elsewhere, allow me to disimimbue you of that notion.  It isn’t.

Before you throw him overboard, give couples’ therapy a try.

Post # 18
Member
3837 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Ok well first of all, comparison is the thief of joy! Don’t compare yourselves to the ‘touchy feely’ couples you see. I’m sure we all know some of those who, underneath, have not actually been strong couples at all. On the flip side, my husband and I are very happy and yet we barely even hold hands in public. Don’t compare as you never know what is really going on. 

Secondly, it’s normal to not get ‘butterflies’ after 3 years together. Some people seem to maintain that feeling longer than others but it’s not really reasonable to expect it to last. Those tingles are the product of hormones going crazy, then you settle down into something calmer but equally good. I’ve been with my now-husband for 7 years and I don’t think I ever get anything that I would call butterflies, but I do get a deep sense of love and calm, which is much better! That point at which the butterflies turn into something calmer can be difficult though, as it is the point when you really make a choice to continue loving that person. Movies tell us that the sparks and butterflies are the main part of love, but that is so untrue! 

We did go through something similar to you earlier on though. We hadn’t really been connecting, I felt lost, etc. Well, I told him. I told him I’d been struggling (with no accusations or blame, you want to open communication, not put them on the defense). There were tears from us both, and we agreed to try harder. To not take each other for granted, to pay attention to each other, to do the things we used to love to do together. It worked brilliantly, we came out better than ever. I truly believe you can fix this if you are both willing to put in some effort to get you over this particular speed bump in life (of course, if one of you is not willing to try, you have a different problem). Not enough quality time and disctration on phones are extremely fixable problems. But silently continuing on in misery isn’t doing either of you any good. I feel your problem is so common and so so fixable! 

Post # 19
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

bridetobespring2018 :  

Fwiw, I had all kinds of chemistry with my exh.  We were always all over each other and touchy-feely.  The attraction was extreme, fireworks went off the moment we met.

On the downside, he was an abuser.

Post # 20
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

 I do not think that love is butterflies and touchy feely. Love is the willingness to be there and work through the problems. To not give up when life gets a routine or sometimes redudant because well… thats life. 

But if you are thinking about ending it at all, and do not want to work on this further, then there is your answer. But it sounds like you care so that is a thought. 

Post # 21
Member
4254 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

The touchy feely kind of love you’re talking about is the initial lust in the relationship.  Long term couples won’t always feel that way about each other.  Plus some people aren’t touchy feely couples, and it isn’t “wrong”, it’s just a different relationship.  I was actually more touchy feely in a previous relationship, but the situation was way different than my relationship with my husband, and looking back I was trying to put on a “show” to prove that we had a good strong relationship.  (Spoiler alert, we didn’t have a healthy relationship ever.)

Real, true love is when you make sacrifices for your partner when it’s the right choice.  It’s when your partner is sick and you make every effort for them to get better.  It’s when they see you at your worst but are still by your side.  It’s about choosing to be their biggest supporter every day, even when life is tough and it’s hard to do so.

If it’s really just the fact that you aren’t as touchy feely as other couples, but you still want to be his biggest supporter and to be there for him and to live life with him, I wouldn’t be too concerned.  However if you’re finding that you cannot emotionally and mentally support him, especially at his worst, then it’s time to re-evaluate this whole thing.

Post # 22
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

bridetobespring2018 :  I thinking doing things together builds memories and a strong bond. You feel more connected as a couple through shared activities. I don’t even mean exciting activities but everyday mundane ones like cooking dinner, grocery shopping, house cleaning etc.

I also think its unrealistic to expect fireworks and excitement in a relationship. Relationships ebb and flow. You have more exciting times and less exciting times. They are your lover but also your family. Family is being comfortable doing mundane things the majority of the time but being content to do so in their company.

After ten years together hubby and I have shared all our entertaining stories with each other but we are comfortable in our silences. We are happy  and enjoy sitting next to each other doing separate activities and not talking. We actually still feel very connected doing this. The issue in your case is that you don’t. It really could be a sign that you don’t feel like you are right together or that you have unrealistic expectations of what a long-term relationship is about. You could also have different love languages which is leading to how you feel.  

Seriously take time to reflect on what you want and discuss it with your fiancé. I think you guys should take the time to do mundane and exciting activities together and see if that gives you what you are seeking from your relationship. I would also hold off on getting married until you feel that you 100% want this relationship.     

Post # 23
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

nonablu :  As someone who has experienced something similar and worked through it, I just want to say your response is awesome and so spot-on. 

Great advice from everyone else as well!

Post # 24
Member
760 posts
Busy bee

I have been with my husband for 20 years, we married 18 years ago. Unless I’m mad at him or my hands are busy elsewhere, we are still touchy feely. Recently we were visiting a old friend of mine and asked one of her kids sitting near my husband if we could change seats so I could sit closer to my husband and hold his hand. I thought nothing of it until my friend commented on it later how she was so happy to see us like that. 

I know you’ve been together a few years, but in my opinion if you aren’t crazy excited about him and becomming his wife, I’d at least hold off on planning a wedding. I would put the phones away during dinner

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