Post # 1
Okay Bees, I apologize for the anonymous account but my regular account is my nickname and I don’t want anyone to be able to find this. I need some advice. 3 and 1/2 years ago I met my fiancé. It was certainly not love at first sight. It was quite the opposite actually… Since we had the same group of friends we were forced to see each other quite frequently and eventually he started to grow on me. This lead to us becoming best friends and spending literally every free second of the day together. For about 4 months we carried on as best friends, eventually he confessed that he was in love with me and although he would be my best friend until the day we died he wanted more than just my friendship and I agreed.
Fast forward a year and a half and he asks me to marry him. It was a beautiful proposal with a beautiful ring and everything I had ever hoped for. I wanted to finish school and he wanted to get a better job before we were married so we eventually set a date for later this year. Planning the wedding has been nothing but stress. Not just your basic stressors that come with planning a large party but crying almost 4 nights a week wishing that we could elope. (Side note: if we had chosen to elope it would have greatly upset mother and I just couldn’t do that to her. )
Finally in April I decided that I was going to put wedding planning on hold for month and just focus on myself instead of everyone else. Over this last month I feel like my feelings towards my fiancé have changed. There was no fight, no argument, nothing changed but I feel as though I have fallen out of love with my fiancé. For so long I have been looking forward to spending my life with this man and now I feel nothing. The only person I talked about this with was my best friend, he is convinced that my fiancé and I are absolutely perfect together and this is just a phase from the stress of the wedding planning.
My fiancé is the perfect man, he works extremely hard to support us. He will be a loyal husband and a wonderful father. He always puts my needs before his own and would go to the ends of the earth for me if I asked him too. I guess I don’t know what advice you can give me or what I am looking for but I needed to get it out there because I don’t know what do. Our wedding is in a little over 4 months and I don’t know where to go from here.
Post # 3
Only you know if these feelings are from the stress from and aversion to wedding planning or if you’ve really fallen out of love. If you’d eloped and were already married, do you think still you’d be feeling this way? Are you relieved that you aren’t married yet?
I’m inclined to reassure that this is just a phase but what do I know.
Post # 4
He could be the perfect man BUT is he the perfect man for YOU?
i think it might be normal to judge your relationship and maybe from all the stress you havent been focusing on your relationship? Put aside the planning and just go out with Fiance spend time with him and you will see why you accepted to be his wife in the first place. Or why he isnt for you. Could go either way but take time to be with him, before you move forward in the wedding planning,
Post # 5
Do you think it could just be the stress getting to you? Some days I have days(or weeks!) where the stress just catches up with me and I feel really disconnected. I really hope that you can work it out and do what is best for you. Spend some more time thinking about what you want, you said your Fiance is a wonderful man, I would hate for you to make a decision that you will regret and can’t go back on.
Sending you lots of well wishes and I hope that you figure it all out soon x
Post # 6
it could be just stress but i would go with your gut feelings.
you say he’s the perfect guy…that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s perfect for you. if he was, you wouldn’t be having doubts. of course you still have feelings for him. you love him but are you IN LOVE with him?
Post # 7
@daybyday: I have thought about this and truly I don’t know the answer. A few months ago I was so ready to marry him that eloping sounded perfect. But that was a few months ago, if he asked me to elope today based on my current feelings I couldn’t do it.
@aussiebee: That is my greatest fear through all this, that I will make the wrong decision. I know that telling him I am unsure about our marriage would break his heart. He is so sure of his love for me that it hurts my heart to be unsure.
Post # 8
The feeling of being “in love” can come and go over the term of the relationship. It sounds like you and your Fiance need to take a break, and get away, do something to reconnect. Keep the wedding plans on hold, postpone if you have to, you can tell everyone the stress was getting to you. If the feelings come back, good – you get to keep your perfect man. And don’t take that for granted, a caring, loyal hardworking person is not something to throw away without thought or effort. But, if you give it your all, and the feelings don’t return, then he is not the one for you, no matter how perfect he is. Just make sure you give it the time and attention your relationship deserves first.
Post # 9
Your post brings up a very goodlife question:
are we supposed to have butterflies in our stomach all the time?????????????
Isn’t it wonderful that he is a good guy, works hard and loves you??
I am not sure the passion thing is supposed to last forever…
I have met my friend’s 80-year-old grandparents and I my soul was so light after that afternoon. They have been married 50 plus years and the way they interact is so cute. She told me that the best thing is just a fulfilment feeling and told me that “passion” is good but doesn’t last…
I love my Fiance and I am past the passion phase. I can’t picture my life without him and the thing I love the most is the wholiness feeling I have when with him…
Post # 10
I remember reading an interview with the longest living married couple ever and the one thing they said that ensured they stayed married and in love was that they never fell out of love with eachother at the same time. I think it’s just one of those things people go through sort of like ‘the 7 year itch.’ Any time I’m feeling sort of in a funk I start to think about what my life would be like without Fiance or how I would feel if he was with someone else. The answer, for me, is that I can’t imagine life without him and the thought of him dating anyone else makes me ill. I’ll add that any time I’ve been in one of those ‘funks’ has been during a high stress time in my life where all I’m doing is trying to make it through whatever is going on (job/school/etc) and I can’t even begin to think about anything or anyone else. As horrible as that sounds, I’d also like to ask if you guys might be in a LDR or don’t see eachother daily? Fiance and I lived 2 hrs apart so he wasn’t a part of my daily life and when I went for more than a month without seeing him it made me feel like ‘I guess I can live without him’ but the minute we’d see eachother the sheer happiness and excitement that came over me reassured me that it was quite the opposite.
Post # 11
@LostMyLove: I know what you mean…I would just spend a bit more time thinking about it. Do some more things that focus on you – make sure you take some time out to relax, get a massage, manicure, pedicure, go shopping, catch up with girlfriends, get your hair done, maybe organise a date with your Fiance with no wedding planning talk! I think sometimes the stress of it just can become overwhelming, particularly if you feel like you don’t have a solid support networking helping you out with things. It’s a HUGE life event getting married, and I think it’s normal for these thoughts to run around your head. If it is just a phase, they will go. So I would just take some more time to see how you feel. I think its a very delicate situation and sometimes bringing it up if you are 100% sure, could be harmful….. while I am all for talking about things, I just think maybe you need to think over it yourself some more before bringing it up.
Post # 12
@chouette: Thank you so much for your kind replies. It is so much to take in. Maybe I am going through a phase of losing the passion and it just seems wrong because I know that he still has so much passion in his love for me.
@aussiebee: Thank you. I don’t want to hurt him if i don’t have too. Until I am 100% sure of my feelings I will keep trying to sort it out on my own. There really isn’t anything that he has done to change my feelings so I don’t think there is anything he can do to change them back. It is something I will have to figure out on my own.
Post # 13
Im sorry you are feeling this way.
I do not know where the feelings went OR if they will even come back.
I suggest you go to therapy FAST, to determine if what you are “feeling” is real or a phase.
I would hate for you or him to be in a “loveless” marriage. You BOTH deserve someone you love 110% and someone who can return that love back.
I wish you the best and hope everything works out.
Post # 14
First, I think that you show incredible love, maturity, and respect for your Fiance for really thinking about this seriously. He’s a lucky guy!
I think, whether they want to admit it or not, this happens in most long term relationships. Unfortunately, life is not a romantic movie or book, or if it is, it’s not one that anyone would really want to watch or read.
My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I also started out as really close friends but we have been dating for almost six years. I definitely have felt like this at times, and I had a period where I was really worried about it. However, those times always pass, and you might not even know it until you find yourself in a moment where you realize that you are happier than ever. Looking back at when I have felt like this, I realize that it’s usually when I’ve been stressed, sad, or feeling just downright hopeless about something that had nothing to do with him or our relationship. When you are really close to someone, it is so easy to project feelings about other things in your life on to that person, and not even know it. I would bet that the stress and pressure you are feeling about your wedding has a lot to do with it.
For what it’s worth – my parents have been married for over 35 years, and like anyone, they have experienced all manner of life events – good and bad. I have asked my mom how she’s managed to make it work, and she told me two things. First, she decided on my dad and decides on him every day. He is her family, and in her mind, it would be no different to decide not to love him than to decide not to love me (kind of ouch mom, but so wise, right?). And second, very related, she cuts herself some slack and realizes its okay to not be head over heels every minute of every day. Good advice, I say.
Good luck!! Thinking about this stuff certainly isn’t easy, but I hope this was somewhat helpful!
Post # 15
I honestly can relate. I took a FEW wedding planning breaks during our what is now 13 month engagement. I do think this may be a phase and you may just feel a little resentment towards him because of the wedding planning stress. It happened to me, I would get so tired and stressed from wedding planning that I wouldnt want to be around Fiance for a day or two, but once those few days went by, my urge to spend time with him just increased. So I agree with other PPs. If you need a break take a few days, get some breathing room and reevaluate. If you say you always imagined your life with him a bump in wedding planning shouldnt mess that up. I know this is so cliche’ but the wedding is just a DAY, dont walk away from the love of your life because of one DAY.
Post # 16
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
If you don’t love him (with romantic attraction, of course you love him like a friend, which is different), you will never be able to make yourself love him. You have a choice. You can choose to marry him and feel safe and secure and have a lifelong friend. If you do that, you will eventually (and maybe often) meet men that could offer you the same but that you are attracted to. This will cartainly cause distress, and at the worst, it could make you stray. You also have to think of if it’s fair to him that he will miss out on having a relationship with a woman who loves him as much as he loves her. Your other choice if to break it off, secure in the knowledge that there are men out there not only perfect, but also perfect for you. But, it may take time to find one. Which you choose is up to you, but they both have risks. I havea close friend in a similar situation, and she’s struggling with this choice as well. It’s hard. I personally would end it, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right choice for you.
Whatever you do, don’t marry him just because the wedding is already planned. Marry him because you want to be married to him, even if it means you won’t ever love him the way you know you are capable of loving a man.