(Closed) Fallout after secret wedding

posted 3 years ago in Reception
Post # 46
Member
895 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

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sunburn :  The Catholic Church can’t remarry people who are already married. There’s nothing wrong with them deciding to have a civil ceremony instead of a church one, but they can’t have it both ways. Convalidation is meant for couples who have been married, usually for quite a while, who later decide that it’s important to them to get a Church blessing on their marriage. It’s not a work around for people who want to get married however they want and simultaneously have a Church wedding.

Post # 47
Member
4964 posts
Honey bee

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sunnierdaysahead2 :  Only in this website (even previous posts not just this one) have I heard of people reacting negatively to a second ceremony. NEVER IN REAL LIFE. For those of you planning to have a private civil ceremony prior to having another with family & friends, keep your mouths shut…a lesson to be learned from this post for everyone. 

Post # 48
Member
590 posts
Busy bee

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socalgirl1689 :  I agree, I wouldn’t have expected such reactions to a second ceremony/wedding. I had a cousin who did the exact same thing – was planning a full-blown wedding, had already sent out Save the Dates, etc. – who then spontaneously decided to get married while on vacation with her fiancé. Everyone was a little suprised at first then laughed it off and attended the originally planned wedding no problem. There was still a ceremony, bridesmaids, groomsmen, cake cutting, first dance, FOB and MOG dances and no one was annoyed that they had already been married for a few months (in fact my mom and a couple of other aunts sent them a gift from their registry for their elopement and gave them a second gift at the reception).

Maybe in this scenario it’s the secrecy that gets people, I’m not sure, but it does seem like a lot of people on this site are against the idea of a couple getting married then having a wedding later on. I’d love to hear thoughts from people who feel this way? Aside from it being non-traditional or keeping it a secret, why do you object to a couple getting married then having a wedding at a later point?

Post # 49
Member
4964 posts
Honey bee

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bostonbee2018 :  I try to read all the threads here about having a second ceremony on a later date. Majority of reasons against it is because they “feel lied to” for witnessing basically a second ceremony (although religious ceremonies are on a different league some still fail to separate the two because in the US, religious officiants can perform legal weddings and this is not the case in many, many countries outside the US). Never bothered me because I want to be there for the couple either way.

Actually, I have a god sister who got married last year in the courthouse. Only  she the groom and their immediate families are present plus me and my mom. I actually served as the witness. The groom is in the military and that was the reason they decided to do it earlier. They did not have flowers, white dress, tux,  cakes, etc. we just had a simple lunch at a nearby restaurant afterwards. They plan a second ceremony in 2020 (on their 3rd year anniversary) when they have saved up and settled down. It will have all the elements of a traditional wedding with much more guests. We will be attending and giving them a gift (no one gifted at their courthouse ceremony and I’m assuming it’s because people decided to just wait for the 2nd ceremony). Everyone is treating it just like any other wedding. I am just too damn happy to celebrate with them when that day comes (I was excited too last year at the courthouse). 

Post # 50
Member
974 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My main issue with what they did was expecting financial contributions for a reception from people who weren’t invited to the actual wedding.   As for the bridesmaids dropping out and the declines, I’m sure it was hurtful to them but you can’t decide how other people spend their money.  Being in a wedding,  or just being a guest and traveling to one, can be expensive.   If someone decides that they don’t want to do all that for a vow renewal than that’s their decision.   I do think the family members who attended were jerk weasels though.  Once you decide to RSVP yes than that’s also your decision.  Don’t go and then complain about the event you decided of your own free will to attend.  

Post # 51
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Wow. Your family sounds awful in how they handled this. Regardless of how you or family view the “legitimacy” of why they quietly married ahead of schedule, its really none of your collective business. DH and I eloped with just an officiant and his photographer wife last fall due to some crazy family drama coupled with insurance and financial needs as we were about to buy a house. It was quiet, perfect and truly a meaningful experience for us. However we also wanted our families and friends to get together for a celebration because lets face it, most families only get together at weddings and funerals and everyone seems to have a much nicer reunion at the former. So August 11th we have 110 people coming for a big ol reception and renewal of vows and NO ONE has said a damned negative thing about it. After our elopement some family members expressed their sadness about not being able to witness it but by giving them a big more traditional setting to look forward to we sort of reached a compromise with our friends and family that everyone is thrilled to be a part of. I hope your family is able to apologize for making such a fuss and move on. Like it or not you all are family now.

Post # 52
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

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sunburn :  The Catholic Church did exactly what they should and would have done with any other couple who was already married.  Too bad if you don’t agree.

Post # 53
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

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leahbeeah :  Did you try to keep it a secret from your friends and family or were you upfront about having eloped?  There’s a big difference.  This couple got what they deserved.

Post # 54
Member
8674 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m kind of surprised people are so upset at the family.. I totally get why granny was pissed off she wasn’t invited to the wedding of two people she had graciously offered to help pay for (yes, she was still invited to the convalidation ceremony and reception, but her gift was meant for a wedding.. and in general telling granny she is good enough to pay for their party but not good enough to be invited to their ceremony seems like quite the snub)

I also get why the mom’s didn’t really want to throw a bridal shower for their married daughter/DIL, again especially given how the ceremony went down.

I also get why the parents were annoyed they had to field phone calls to explain the actions of their adult children.

I definitely get the church’s reaction.

I am confused at all the hate from the rest of the guests though.  I may not bother traveling for a reception.. not out of hate, just often when we go to weddings DH and I end up spending a grand or two on travel and hotels (since our friends are so spread out) and I’d feel they wouldn’t be upset at us skipping since it’s “just” a reception. It’s not like they invited us to witness their union and we decided not to go. But if we did go we wouldn’t give the bride and groom a hard time.. and definitely not while sitting at a dinner THEY are hosting!

Post # 55
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I feel like one of the bridesmaids from this wedding also posted about this a couple months ago. Saying she wanted to step down after a secret wedding because she didn’t feel it was right (for religious reasons).

Your family has every right to be upset. They blessed your brother and fiance with money for a wedding (that is strings attached) and they were burned over something as dumb as a wacky ass anniversary date.

You know who celebrates groundhog day? Elementary school kids and a small town in Pennsylvania. I never remember the holiday.

 

Post # 56
Member
2563 posts
Sugar bee

I think what a lot of people are missing the point on is the lying.

No one cares that there is a big celebration reception taking place months after a ceremony. Heck, i am going to one this weekend. The actual wedding took place with about 40 people in the woods about a month ago and the reception is taking place with a couple hundred people in our home town this weekend. 

However, everyone knew from the start that this was the plan. And even if it wasn’t the original plan, you could still say “Hey, we just couldnt wait and we got married today. We hope everyone will be excited to celebrate with us in a few months!” 

I think most people would be fine with that. But the way this all came out and how people had contributed financially and then werent invited to the ceremony was awful. But the secrecy and the lying is what upset everyone.

and i also believe that you have the right to chose what you spend your money on. Yes, most people should still be there for the day to support the couple, but if it was reaaaally killing my budget to go it would sure help make the decision a whole lot easier knowing i missed the big day anyway. However, if it was within reason i would still absolutely attend. 

Post # 57
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’m not about the lying at all. If you got married early,for whatever reason, why would you lie about it? You got married! Isn’t that a thing you’d want to share with everyone? If you’re considering hiding something like that, maybe you should reconsider what you’re doing.

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