(Closed) Familial Meltdown

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

((HUGS)) No suggestions I’m sorry that you’re going through that.  Maybe you should send your mom and sister a letter to let them know how you feel and put it behind you.  Do you have any close friends that are excited about your wedding and can help?  If not, no worries there are plenty of virtual MOHs on wedding bee to help keep you sane and happy ((HUGS again)).

Post # 5
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I would avoid making any rash decisions without letting some time pass.  It sounds like you have finally established boundaries with your mother. And you shouldn’t be bullied into crossing them. Trust me on this one, I’ve been there. If you feel comfortable I would explain the situation to a friend, and designate her a co-MOH. I wouldn’t strip the title from your sister quite yet, as it isn’t a decision you will be able to unmake. Then your sister can participate as she wants, without you feeling disappointed in missing out on a “real” Maid/Matron of Honor and all that entails. Good luck.

Post # 6
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

firstly sending hugs!   has your sister been manipulative towards you in the past?  i can understand why she doesnt want any family drama but to wait until you phoned her to be told youre not welcomed is very unfair. obviously your mother got to her (how else would she know you didnt phone) and created a drama. 

now…. i have mum issues too, i rarely talk to my mother and when i do its never about anything about whats going on in my life.  reason being is she is such a negative and controlling person there is no joy in her life and i refuse to allow her to poison it anymore.  my hubby is now my family, the person i can depend on and who will be there for me – so youre not alone in family dramas and having to make some tough decisions

i suggest that it wont get any easier during the wedding planning and maybe having your sister as an invited guest would be the better option. 

goodluck as its not going to be easy but make sure you talk to the people you trust and that you know who support you!


Post # 7
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I know exactly what you mean about sticking up to mothers. I finally had to stand up to mine a couple of years ago and it worked wonders for our relationship. She was mad at first, but once she realized I wasn’t a little girl anymore she came around.

I would talk to your sister and explain to her that your mother isn’t part of your planning right now and moving isn’t a real excuse not to plan a wedding. Let her know that you want her involved, but you expect her to stay out of the issues that you and your mother have. I’m so sorry you missed your nephews party. That was a really crappy thing to do to you AND to him. I hate when adults act like children.

Post # 8
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Yes, ask your friends for support – and give them the Maid/Matron of Honor title too. Does your sister really deserve it?

Post # 10
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Well  I certainly don’t know your sister, but despite how she worded her invitation, could your instincts have been right?  Perhaps she was extending an olive branch.  Is it difficult for her to say she’s sorry?  If so, I could see her saying something like she did, instead of going through the whole, “Hey sorry I uninvited you.  I shouldn’t ahve done that.  Why don’t you come over tonight?…..”

And as far as her request (requirement) that you call your mom, (and getting upset when you didn’t), I’m wondering if her motives are simply that she’s whipped by your mom.  Perhaps she doesn’t want to make waves, with her.  And seeing her son was having a birthday party, she wanted to avoid possible drama that could arise if the two of you were there together.  So if she really can’t stand up to your mother, it’s much easier to give into mom, and tell her little (I’m guessing) sister that she can’t come.  How would your mom react if your sister told her she couldn’t come unless the two of you made up?  I will say, I can’t blame her for not wanting drama at her son’s birthday party.

I’m not trying to defend your sister.  It sounds like she hasn’t been fair to you.  But if your mother is making her nervous/frustrated/angered, and is causing this behavior, perhaps it might be easier for you to understand and forgive it.  Is it possible your sister would be willling to visist your therapist with you?

Good luck.

Post # 11
41 posts
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree about letting some time pass before you make any changes. When emotions run high it’s easy to make rash decisions and regret them later. However, I’d say if after a couple months (if you have that kind of time) things don’t change I’d talk to your sister to see if she still wants to be in the wedding. The last thing you want is someone in your wedding who isn’t 100% there for you, and supportive of you in every way. I’d explain the situation (level of detail depends on how close you are to them) and ask if they mind helping out a bit more since your sister can’t(won’t) at this point. Making someone else co-MOH might fuel the fire with your sister, and you don’t want that in the cooling off period. I feel your pain, my sister is only “maid of honor” because my mom demanded it. We’ve never gotten along, and she admittedly doesnt want to do anything to help me out (not that I’d trust her to anyway), but then again none of our bridal party is doing anything to help, so it’s all the same to me. It wasn’t worth hearing them (mom and sis)complain, and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. I guess my situation is a bit different though because they are not overtly hurtful to me.

Best wishes!

Post # 12
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

First and foremost, I’m sorry you are going through this… though I am glad you have an objective therapist to bounce things off of.

So when you stood up to your mother, it sounds like she tried to find an ally in your sister, and that your sister is not at the same place with your mom as you are.  So your sister chose to align with your mom because it’s easier they taking the difficult road with you.

You can’t change how anyone else reacts to the situation, only what your reaction is…  I think I’d talk it over with your therapist and work on how to let go of the pain that was enacted in you.  And once you are able to let go of that (no easy feat), you’ll start to feel like you are coming out on the other side of this.

It takes time, a lot of tears and hard work… but it will be great to start your marriage with the best possible mental state and as free as possible from negative family dynamics.  You’ll know when you are getting there because what your mom and sister say won’t matter so much to you any more.  Best of luck!

Post # 13
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Wow. This is hard. Sticky family situations seriously are the worst. =( I suggest that for the wedding you smooth things over with your family … sounds like this will take a while to heal.

I agree that you cannot wait forever, but at least you have a LOT of time left to worry over who will be your Maid/Matron of Honor and even change your mind and get different dresses etc.

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