(Closed) Family +1s?!?!

posted 4 years ago in Guests
Post # 16
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Yeah, when my cousin married and “included” me in my parents invite (when I was 23 and living 1000 miles away), I just didn’t show up. It was fairly clear (to me at least) that they weren’t terribly interested in me coming.

Also I got some flak from that cousin’s wife, because she sent the invite (which apprently included me) to my parents, they RSVP’d, and then I didn’t come. It screwed up their numbers. Even if your cousins are at college, it’s unlikely their plans will be the same as their parents’, so it might make logistical sense to make sure they get their own invites.

Post # 18
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I agree with PPs… send them their own invitation. Whether you send it to their “home”address or “term time” address would depend I guess on the person and the time of year that you are sending invitations out. I wouldn’t give them plus ones unless they are in serious relationships and have brought their SOs to family gatherings before etc.

One of my cousins is getting married this year and recently sent out invitations. She sent my invitation to me (I’m 25 btw) and my Fiance at our address but sent my sister’s (she’s 24) to my dad’s house. Neither me or my sister have ever lived with my dad (divorced parents) so it is a bit odd. My sister is furious though and refusing to go to the wedding. She is at uni doing a post grad and rents a home after already having done a 3 year degree and worked for a year. She is in the 2nd year of her post grad.

Anyway, what I’m saying is don’t automatically send the invitations to your cousins’ parents’ homes… while it may be appropriate for younger cousins, it might not be appropriate for all of them!

Post # 19
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

In my opinion, etiquette says al ot of things, but never offers exactly the advice you need. Such as “don’t invite someonver over 18 on their parents invites” however, if they all live in the same house, I don’t really see why it matters (that’s just me though). I’ve ALWAYS been included, and still am, on invitations my parents get, and I’m 33. 

And with SO’s, I hate it when someone says “well, they MAY be in a relationship at the time, you never know. Well, if they aren’t one when the guest list is planned, then that’s that. Unless someone has a whirlwhind romance in a couple months, I really doubt anyone will meet, date, movie in with, AND marry someone in a couple months (yes, I know its happened, but hey, this is just my opinion). 

And its family. To me, it depends on the family. If they’re super casual, then whatever goes. If they’re the more formal type, then that goes, I guess. 

When my best friend got married, she sent invitations to “parents” (such as aunts, uncles, etc) and included “and family” regardless if they were over 18, lived with their parents, or what. but it was a simple wedding, 99% family (I think I was one of 3 friends invited) and no one cared. 

Let me also add, that around here, it’s just different because it’s nothing for people to keep living at home forever. I just don’t see the reason behind if a couple has 6 grown children living at home to send 7 invitations to the same house. But again, that is just my opinion and I’m not imposing it on anyone. 

Post # 20
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
ABusyBride:  You and your parents do not sound like very nice people.  No matter how invite comes, an honest reply should have been provided.  

Post # 21
Member
10472 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Everyone over 18 gets their own invite and anyone in a relationship at the time invites go out should have their significant other invited. It’s pretty basic etiquette.

Post # 22
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

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juanita.kelly.9:  my thoughts exactly. All that needed to happen was the parents ask if she could attend, and then RSVP accordingly. I don’t understand why thats hard for people. And when someone is always away, it makes it hard to find addresses. 

Post # 23
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

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dkad:  Yes, you would send a separate invitation to the same house. We’ve done the same for our friends who are living in the same apartment as roommates. Think of it that way. For your cousins at college, you can ask them which address you should send it to—I know I loved getting mail at school, but a lot of my friends never checked theirs.

Post # 24
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

Also, just to give some perspective, it would bother me to be invited via my parents’ invitation for a family wedding. I am not a child anymore, and my parents shouldn’t be responsible for relaying an invitation to me, or RSVPing for me. When I attend a wedding, I arrange my own transportation and spend my own money on a gift; I’d appreciate being treated like an independent adult by the couple. It’s not that hard to track down someone’s address.

Especially if someone is still living at home, which may make them feel sensitive about being treated like a child to begin with, it’s good to be wary of these things.

Post # 25
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

We are only inviting +1’s for any cousin who is engaged or married. I come from a really large irish catholic family (my mother is one of 8 children) so to invite +1’s for all 32 cousins is ridiculous. And I don’t care what etiquette says, I’m not sending additional invitations to 20-something cousins who still live with mom and dad. If they live on their own they will receive a personal invitation otherwise the family will receive one invitation for the entire family. And it may sound harsh but if that offends the cousin that they were invited on their parent’s invitation rather than their own then I really don’t care if they don’t want to come. One less person for me to have to pay for that way! I’m not saying I’m doing it the right way but don’t feel guilty about doing it the way you want. It is YOUR day after all. Who cares if people get mad at you because they couldn’t bring their latest SO? They will get over it.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  Clove86.
Post # 26
Member
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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dkad:  Yes, so long as you understand a “+1” refers to an escort, or a date. Spouses, live-in partners, and engaged partners are not “+1s” and you have to invite them. “Long term partner” is kind of a case-by-case basis–speaking for myself, my DH and I were together for 8 years before getting engaged (and not living together for 2 years), and I wouldn’t expect my extended family to have invited him in those first 2 years. 

ETA: I also invited my cousins via their parents and at their parents’ home address. It was way too complicated to try and get current mailing addresses for them, as most were in college at the time (but studying abroad this semester, or just moved apartments, or got into a fight with their roommate and got a new dorm, or transferred unis, or this school ends in late April; this one ends in late June…Yadda yadda yadda). I dont’ think anyone in my crowd was offended, and that side wears tie bars and socks with animals embroidered on them.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  BothCoasts.
Post # 28
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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dkad:  Yep my family is 100 people out of our 132 person guest list. My poor Fiance. Luckily he comes from a very small family because our venue is capped at 150!

Post # 30
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
juanita.kelly.9:  & 
View original reply
futuremrsc2016:  I can see that my phrasing made it seem like I purposefully RSVP’d and then didn’t show up. That’s not what happened. What happened was that I wasn’t sent an invite and honestly didn’t feel invited. My parents got an invite and called to RSVP (as directed by the invite), but just said like “yes, we’re coming” or something which made the bride think I was coming too. But my parents thought they just meant themselves, since I lived 1000 miles away and they assumed that I would RSVP for myself. I didn’t realize that I was on the list until months after the wedding, when the bride mentioned in at Christmas. My response was “I’m so sorry, I never got an invite, so didn’t realize that I should have RSVP’d no.” 

Sure, my parents should probably have seen my name on the invite and been more conscientious about making sure they were indicating responses for everyone on the envelope, but I suspect the invite sat on the fridge for a few weeks before they called, so they weren’t paying attention. I’m just saying it makes things messy to invite groups of people who may not be making plans together, and these misunderstandings do happen.

And honestly it feels a bit rude to not get an actual invitation when you live 1000 miles away from your parents and are an adult. When the bride made a rude comment to me several months later about not showing up, I just looked at her quizzically. Like… girl, you didn’t really invite me.

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