Post # 1
Well, last week I finally told my family that I am pregnant. They’re all very excited and happy about it and already making plans about coming to visit when the baby is born (by the way, my family lives abroad). I have no problem with that, I love my family, however…I can’t stand my dad’s wife. It’s a long complicated story that involves cheating, lies, etc. The point is that I don’t want that woman in my house, near my family, I especially don’t want her near my baby.
How can I politely tell my father he can come visit but to leave his wife at home? My dad and I don’t have the best relationship. Letely, he’s wanted to change this, but because of a lot of things from the past, I’m being very careful. I really don’t want to damage the small progress we’ve had the last months, but I suspect he will get offended if I tell him I don’t want that woman here. What do I do?
Post # 3
Congratulations on your pregnancy.
That is a really tough situation. Unfortunately, like weddings, I think its hard to tell people who they can and can’t travel with (especially if they are taking a trip for over seas).
However, that doesn’t mean you have to put up with this woman in your house or around your child. Maybe tell your dad you understand that she is going to travel with him, but she is not welcome in your home.
Just be prepared that putting her off, could also mean putting your father off and your little one less opportunities to see/meet his/her grandfather.
Post # 4
Find out when she’s doing something else that’s essential–going to see family, work trip, etc. and invite your dad then.
Post # 5
I can understand why you wouldn’t want her there, but there is no ‘polite’ way to ask someone to leave their spouse at home. The best you can do is just be honest and say you want your baby to have a relationship with the grandfather, but you are not and never will be comfortable with her in your house or around the baby.
You are probably right that he will be offended, and he may choose not to come if she is not also welcome. It sounds though like you would prefer that over him bringing her along.
It is your house and your baby and you are entitled to set parameters, but know that they can come at a cost. Even if you could manage to get lucky and she can’t come the time you want to invite him, that won’t help you the next time. I think if you want to continue making progress on your relationship with your father, you’re stuck with her.
Post # 6
Why is it that we women harbor a lot more anger directed towards the woman involved in any affair than we do the man? Did she have an affair with your Dad when he was still married to your Mom?
If she and your Dad had an affair, I can see that it would be very painful as we are naturally protective of our Mothers. But, your Dad was guilty of the same transgression, yet you seem to be working on forgiveness for him.
Do you ever see yourself being able to forgive her? Otherwise you are going to have a tough time explaining this situation to any future children.
Post # 7
This is a tough situation, but much like wedding invitations, you cannot break up a married couple. If there’s animosity there, she probably feels it too. Maybe she won’t come, or she’ll just lay low. I think you’ll create an even bigger rift between you and your father if you tell him she’s not welcome.
Post # 8
@julies1949: I completely agree. OP, she is your step-mom, that makes her your child’s grandmother, like it or not. Seems like as good of a time as any to start trying to mend the relationship a bit.
Post # 9
Congrats on your pregnancy!
I have a question, though- What’s up with the cheating? Did she cheat on your dad or did your dad cheat on your mom with her or what? If she mistreated your dad, then he might be more understanding of why you aren’t getting along with her, but if not, I think you need to just put up with her coming.