(Closed) Family (and fiance) Matters

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I asked my sister to step down as my Maid of Honor on Tuesday.  I was experiencing some of what you are with her.  She didn’t want to help in any manner.  Her excuses were that she lives far away and she is in school and just too busy (She however is helping a ton with her friend’s wedding.)  I called and told her that I felt that her heart wasn’t in it and that my other bridesmaids have already gone above and beyond in helping me.  I told her I was struggling with her being in the place of honor when they are the ones really supporting and helping me.  Turns out, she told me that she (and my mom) don’t like my fiance and they don’t approve the wedding.  It hurts but I know how happy we are (and everyone else)- they aren’t here to see it.  It is a great relief and much less stressful to try and get her on board.  My advice to you is to go with your gut feelings.  Talk to your sister but be prepared to change plans depending on what you learn.  And put yourself and your fiance first, graciously. This is your time.

As far as your fiance… now I don’t know how he will take this, but I am a visual person.  Maybe you could write all the to-dos on post-its and stick them to the walls that needs painting.  It will give him a visual reference of just how overwhelmed you are and perhaps he will take on certain tasks.  You could even suggest ones that you would love to have taken care of by him.

I feel some of what you are going though and I know it is hurtful and frusterating.  Don’t lose sight of what an awesome experience getting married is- enjoy it!   Best Wishes and Good Luck!

Post # 4
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

::Deep breathe:: Yea I know… easier said then done. I’m having bridal shower issues too but in your case I think it’d be fine if your other BMs planned a shower for you since they’ve been showing interest. Short notice but it can be done. If your mom or sister say anything you can say well I figured "sister" can throw one for the family side and my BMs would throw one with my friends and coworkers there. If your sister isn’t stepping up to the plate then she shouldn’t get mad when someone else who’s not family does this for you. Have you talked to her since? Does she give you excuses or does she not want to talk about it at all? I’m sorry you have to go through this… Giving your dog away? I can’t even begin to think about that. I’m a dog person and everytime I hear about dogs having to leave I feel like crying. Hopefully you found the perfect home for him or her. As far as cleaning up FI’s place you guys can clean up together? I’m wierd.. when it comes to cleaning I love having someone else there that I can talk to. It just makes it not feel like work. gLuck!!!!

Post # 5
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

You are not alone.  I fired my older sister from being Maid/Matron of Honor 2 months before my wedding, too, for the exact same reasons.  What started out as initial enthusiasm turned into negative comments every time I shared info on what I was planning, or she’d have the exact opposite opinion on anything I chose.

I, too, had to have the difficult discussion like Jenningsblue did, and had to tell her I felt that she wasn’t that interested, so I thought it was better that she not be in the bridal party and my BMs would step up and divide the responsibilities.  My BMs were all friends who were supportive the entire time and went way above and beyond.

Do not let obligation stand in between you and a fantastic wedding.  Obviously, obligation is not making your sister or your mom help you in any way.  My mom & sis just wanted to avoid the entire discussion and pretend nothing was wrong, like they do anytime we have family issues. 

A wedding just magnifies the issues because you actually need to rely on family to help you.  Being family means you should be there for one another, but it doesn’t give them a free pass to treat you poorly during a very exciting time in your life.

As for Fiance, we’re all aware that men & women just don’t have the same logic, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating when you are trying to juggle all the balls in the air. 

I agree with Jenningblue that a discussion would help, but writing a list is what my husband tells me is most helpful to him.  I get annoyed that I have to tell him what to do, why can’t he just see it and know it needs to get done, but he gently reminds me that men are going to overlook things that women see unless we point it out.

It’ll be crazy and hectic for the next 2 months, but the wedding will be so fun and phenomenal, as is being married, so do everything you can to make it want YOU want.  Even though it was difficult, I was much happier after firing sis.  Sounds like you have so much on your plate, so alleviating the stress of your sister might me a step in the right direction. Best of luck.

Post # 6
236 posts
Helper bee

I would pass all of the info on to your BMs and Future Mother-In-Law and let them take care of it.  Let your sister know that since she is has so much on her plate (nice way of saying to busy) you would like to take the burden of planning a shower off of her.  Do this nicely and tell her that your BMs will contact her for her input but if she doesn’t have time that is ok.  Be nice because she never had to throw you a shower to begin with.  Showers are not mandatory.

As for your Mom…Start by telling her you just wanted a sounding board for your frustrations and you hope that you didn’t hurt her feelings by giving her the impression that you thought she was to blame.

For the Fiance…He’s acting like an irresponsible kid, so trat like a kid and give him one last chance, but warn that you will kidnap the video game system if he doesn’t help out by getting his stuff ready for you to move in and pitching in with the painting.  If he doesn’t get his act together then do kidnap the game system.  Just because he is a doctor, has a stressful job and works long hours doesn’t mean he shouldn’t pull his own weight.  You have a stressful job and are palnning the wedding, taking care of the details and on top of it you are giving up your beloved pet for him.  He needs to make a sacrifice by cleaning up his place and welcoming you into it.  If he’s not willing to do that do you think he will be willing to make room for a child?  Help with the kids when he gets home form work?  You can’t change a person but you can help them develope better habits, like putting clothing away and filing paperwork as they appear instead of once every 6 months (which I am totally guilty of)

Post # 7
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

Your life sounds stressful right now — hang in there!  You have a lot going on, but just try to chip away at your to-do list one item at a time.

I’m sorry to hear that your sister isn’t as enthusiastic as you are about wedding preparations and the shower.  You seem to be very organized and have made it very easy for her to take it from there.  Sometimes family members have a hard time with wedding stuff for whatever reason.  I say, if you’re friends want to throw you a shower, let them!  Sounds like fun!  I don’t know enough about your sister to know if she would feel stepped on.  Maybe you could talk to her ahead of time and explain that your friends really want to do this for you and you hope she doesn’t mind.  Your friends could include her as much (or as little) as she wants right now.  She might actually be relieved that she’s off the hook for this one… maybe she’s having a hard time getting involved because she has other distractions right now. 

 My sister is also my Maid/Matron of Honor and she has been a troublesome bridesmaid from the beginning.  Picking out bridesmaid dresses was like pulling teeth.  She was very particular about styles — she insisted that it was not strapless which ruled out 90% of the dresses out there.  We went to a bridal shop and she wouldn’t even try anything on.  Months later she reluctantly ordered a dress with pressure from my mom.  My sister has been married for 12 years and has stood up in several other weddings…. this shouldn’t be new to her.  I really don’t understand why she isn’t more enthusiastic but I’ve come to accept it.  I’m not having a shower at all which is okay, but it makes me a little sad that the dress (the only bridesmaid duty that I’m asking for) was such a big deal. 

Post # 9
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I feel for you.  I would just explain to your sister how stressed out you are, and it stresses you out even more having to follow up with her.  Then ask her if should mind if you just let your friends finish up the work, because they really want to be involved.   Hopefully she’s understanding and says yes. 

I kind of regret living together before the wedding.  I mean it’s good to test waters and deal with stuff before the wedding.  But I don’t really feel like a blushing bride, more like an overworked housewife.  I finally broke down and started crying a couple weeks ago, because of all the fustrations and overwhelming amount of work from grad school, work, taking care of the home, and this wedding.  I haven’t cried since I was 13.  But at least, after this my fiance finally kicked in and started helping with the stuff he said he’d do.   So if all else fails, you can try letting loose and start crying, and maybe he will give in.    

Anyway it’s only 2 weeks before my wedding.  I wish I had some great advice and could say the stress went away when most of the work is done.  But it seems to get more tense.  So try to get out and do non wedding/work stuff if you can now, so you can get some time to relax. hopefully other people have some better advice.  I’ll definitely want to know too.

Post # 10
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

First of all – I am so sorry about your dog!  I am not a big dog person, but I have three cats, and Fiance has a cat and a dog.  We have had endless discussions about integrating the pet household, because giving up any of them would be really traumatic for us.  So I totally feel for you.  If you have to, I recommend finding a private shelter or rescue in your area – preferably one where most animals are kept in foster homes.   You see these people at PetSmart and PetCo on the weekends with animals for adoption, and can get information there.  Of course there are always too many animals needing homes, but at least that way you would know that your dog will be in a good temporary home until he finds his new forever home, and that he has no chance of being put down.

My sister is also my Maid/Matron of Honor – and is so busy with various things that she is planning nothing for me.  She has only finally (wedding in July) gotten around to trying on dresses – thank heavens she is my only attendant and so doesn’t have to match anybody.  I don’t know what your sister’s issues may be, but I agree that the best thing is to just let her know your other maids will be throwing your shower, and so she’s off the hook!  Make it sound like a good thing, but make sure she knows you have already made the decision.  At that point, you can certainly have your other maids keep her apprised of the planning, but I don’t think they have to include her.  This doesn’t mean that you have to "remove" her as Maid/Matron of Honor, unless you feel strongly enough about this to subject yourself to the inevitable drama.  You can let her stand next to you on your wedding day, and essentially give the real honor (all the fun of actually helping you out with everything that needs to be done) to your friends who really want to help.

And your Fiance – arrrrgh.  Mine is moving in with me, in four weeks according to him.  I have been painting and cleaning out closets and hauling stuff to the Goodwill and the landfill – and he has done nothing.  And its not just him moving in; he has two kids as well.  (At least his daughter has been sorting through her stuff and organizing and packing).  I don’t recommend kidnapping the video game; that starts a sort of unhealthy dynamic. (I think that taking each others’ stuff, or even worse throwing it away without permission, is always going to lead to a situation that just escalates.)  I would show up at his house with a stack of boxes.  And let him know that these are for his stuff, the stuff that needs to be moved so that you can do the work that needs done.  Let him know that he has a week, or whatever amount of time, left to deal with it himself, at which point in time you can’t really wait anymore so will just pack things away yourself, to make sure they don’t get damaged by being in the way.  That way, even if you have to do it yourself, his stuff is out of the way (in a stack of boxes in the garage or closet).  I have told my Fiance that there is only so much room in the house – and so all the stuff he keeps promising to go through, if it actually ends up in boxes to move, will sit in the garage.  Until he unpacks it.  And thus his car (his baby) will sit in the street.

Maybe your guy is having a little bit of an issue about the whole move-in.  I know that I am.  I love Fiance and his kids, but I also love my house just the way it is!!!  And so I am unreasonably cranky about all the work that has to be done.  If your guy is feeling like I am, playing video games rather than working on move-related stuff is maybe his little way of resisting all this change.  And painting his place may not be helping, as it is just more change.  If possible, you might consider leaving the painting as a joint project for sometime after the wedding.  More fun that way anyway, and while its harder to work around furniture its not impossible.  If you have too much to do, rather than making yourself and everyone else crazy, try hard to eliminate whatever can be put off until later.  So maybe wedding first, painting later.

Post # 11
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

Let your BM’s take over. My best friend and Maid/Matron of Honor tripped out on me and my other BM’s and didn’t speak to me for almost 4 months. My BM’s stepped in and planned my shower, bachelorette party, and whatever other festivities needed to be taken care of. I would suggest even letting them contact your sister to tell her that they have it under control and that they are going to be taking over things from this point on. It’s pretty shady when you have people really close to you and they piss on your special time, but you can sort through that later. For now, let your girls take care of everything and you enjoy being a bride. As for Fiance, I find a good breakdown always gets the job done. Not an eyes rolling back in the head, foaming at the mouth kind – that’s more crazy than you need. Just think about how much you have to do, how much time you have to do it in, let the tears and frustration start flowing (in front of him of course) and watch how fast he steps in to help. Give him a list of assingments that you think he is capable of completing given that he is very busy, and well, a man (let’s be honest, most of the time they’re not very detail oriented). I hope everything works out.

Post # 12
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

hmm. . . . never heard of this but I like the idea of having the BMs take over and try to depend more on them.

I guess not every MH will take their responsibilitires seriously and even though you hope for things I would prepare myself not to expect them.  I would love a bachelorette party from my MH but if she didn’t thrown one I would not be disappointed.  Also, for the wedding I’m not asking for her help. I think what sucks most about your situation is that this is your sister not a flaking friend but even with a sister who flakes I would either pull her aside and talk to her (which may not work) or just try to redistribute responsibilites to others and take on more myself. 

Post # 13
13 posts

perhaps have a heart-to-heart talk with her, and let her know how you feel and i’m sure something will work out. don’t blame her for anything, just let her know that you understand she might be busy and offer that the other girls can plan the shower if she can’t do it. 🙂

Post # 15
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Hooray!!  How wonderful that everybody is on board and helping out now.  Communication good, as Fiance and I like to remind each other.  And you didn’t even have to get all crazy bride-zilla on them.  That is so great. 

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