MemberI understand it was a tough decision for you but, it’s rude to allow some kids but not others. The out of town family could have come without their kids by hiring a babysitter back home.
MemberWell, that’s quite a pickle you’ve found yourself in. I honestly don’t think there’s anything you can say to the aunt to appease her. Some people just want something to be upset about. But since she is part of your family (or will be in a couple of weeks lol) you need to be very careful about how you handle this.
If her her reason for wanting to bring her children a financial one? Is it an option to help her with childcare costs for the night?
Would it be possible to remove all children by hiring babysitters to look after the out-of-town children during the wedding and reception?
MemberFrom what you’re saying the families understand and respect your decision. Your aunt is just trying to stir things up. I would go directly to the family member who is ‘upset’ and ask them about it.
unless your aunt is one of the people directly affected by this then it’s nothing to do with her.
MemberI am a teacher, mom, grandma, crazy about kids of all ages, and 150% pro child free weddings.
I think making children attend weddings is child abuse. That said, a wedding can only be “child FREE” or not “child FREE”. There is no middle ground.
MemberNo real advice here. Just wanted to say I get where you are coming from with your decision. You said you already weren’t able to invite friends that were important to you due to venue constraints. I totally would have done the same. Having the friends you are able to invite attend will be mean more than a few 2 year olds that aren’t going to remember this wedding and will be happier at home. Ignore the haters 😉
MemberOP, you picked a venue that doesn’t suit your guest list. Nothing you can do about it now but the lengths you went to to describe this situation on your wedding website etc. should not be used as justification when talking to hurt family members about this.
MemberEvery wedding I’ve been to with kids has been pretty awesome. The kids are a hoot out on the dance floor. But then again, I’m pretty much only friends with considerate people who are good parents and recognize when a kid is overwhelmed or should no longer be in a situation. Ditto for my family. Kids can be awesome.
That’s neither here nor there though.
It isn’t all or nothing – you are allowed to invite some children and not others (just not if they are the same family – you can’t invite Susie but exclude her little brother Johnny – that is where it is all or nothing). However, you also have to understand that if you don’t have a concrete line in the sand it makes it really hard to justify (and even then they might still be upset). Concrete lines would be things like “Only children of siblings” or “Only children in the wedding party” but when it’s some cousins but not all the cousins then you’re treading into hurt feeling territory. You can do it – no one is obligated an invitation to the wedding. But then you have to deal with the consequences of your choice to pick a very small venue that required you to play the pick and choose game and those consequences include dealing with their griping about it and the possibility that they may choose to not come.
So, drink some wine, tell them you are sorry that you aren’t able to include everyone you wanted to, and know that eventually it will be over. Since your wedding isn’t until October, you can see if you have some declines and let them know there is space to bring the children if it continues to be a dealbreaker. They may still be sore about their kids essentially already being rejected and now b-listed, but there’s not a whole lot you can do at this point.
MemberThe issue I see is you’re dictating who needs to find childcare based on you assessing their life and logistical issues, and deciding what deems some parents deserving of having their child accommodated and others not deserving of having their child accommodated. I know distance might seem like a logical cut-off, but local people may have their own reasons as to why it’s difficult to leave their child but they’re not being afforded the same courtesy and consideration as the out of towners because you’ve decided that travel distance is the only or most important factor that needs to be considered which isn’t really your place to judge.
If you have a clear cut-off like “only children of siblings” or “only children in the wedding party”, people might be disappointed and they may not be able to come or choose not to come, but at least it’s a clear set of criteria as to why their kids aren’t invited, because you had to make a cut-off somewhere. Not because you’ve assessed their childcare situation and decided their childcare situation doesn’t need to be accommodated but somebody else’s does.
I understand you now can’t uninvite the children of the out of towners, or invite the local children, but maybe you could say to the Aunt that you’re sorry you didn’t realise it would cause problems for her, unfortunately it’s too late to change the invite but you understand if she isn’t able to come.
MemberLast year when we paid for our venue our guest list met the capasity limits. Since then odd circumstances occurred: an estranged son and his wife reuniting with the local family, and it was made evident as important to invite my FH’s father’s siblings and their spouses (who we have had almost no contact with during our 6 yrs together and who didn’t attend my FH’s brother’s wedding). It became a matter of either leaving out the adults or leaving out children. The reason we decided only out of state children could attend is because that is all I have for family. My FH’s family number 40+, mine would have been four. As the bride I feel I am entitled to have my family present, especially after working hard to accomodate the local families. To be fair, and because my FH rarely has time (or the rest of the local family) to visit with out of state children, we included them. If we hadn’t there would have been an even larger uproar.
Having a sitter is not the concern of the local family. They want ALL of their family there. The family members that are complaining don’t care about whether my family is there or my FH’s father and his family. When I have explained the situation about this being the only way my family can attend it was as though I hadn’t said a word. I was told that in this family they do events a certain way. Recently another family member had a wedding and almost no one interacted with one of the local children that attended. Another local couple of the three children the fuss is about (because no one in the family acknowledges that our friends were also asked not to bring children) ended up not bringing their young child, and the other couple left the reception within the first 15 minutes because it was too loud. None of the parents have an issue, it’s other adults trying to make a fuss.
I apreciate the insights & opinions that each of you have shared. I wanted understanding and I have a bit more than I did prior. I feel more at peace and acceptance with the craziness that erupted.
MemberI should probably add that my FH is in complete alignment with our decision and when I questioned going back on it he said no because we have important reasons. To be clear, this isn’t about not wanting children to be present. Originally we had planned for all to be present until other local adults wanted more family added.
When I spoke to each of the local moms I had told them that if there is space after RSVP’s are returned then we would love their children to attend. Also, they were all understanding from the start and one even said months ago that what she learned in her wedding was that someone would be upset at some point about something done or not done.
Member