Post # 1
So, even though our wedding happened months ago, I found out today that my husband’s family spent a good portion at a family birthday party the day after our wedding completely bashing our marriage and wedding ceremony. How wonderful!
Let me preface this by saying that my husband’s family is very religious, conservative, judgemental, and not shy about sharing it. I know religion and judgement don’t always go hand and hand, but with them it does. I’ve largely been able to ignore it, aside for a few times, most notably when I posted a link in support my friend’s upcoming gay wedding and his uncle wrote on my Facebook for everyone to see “Really? You have got to be kidding me!!”
Our wedding was officiated by a really close friend of ours who got ordained online. I wrote the ceremony and put months putting it together, so it would reflect our feelings for one another and our values while not offending the large “bible crowd” that would be attendance. Well, I found out the fact that my officant didn’t say “by the power vested in me by” somehow makes my marriage “null and void” and “kind of a joke”, wasn’t in a church or blessed by the bishop “shameful” and “our ceremony being basically a mess”.
My mother in law and father in law felt the need to just randomly bring this up today, for reasons I don’t know. To piss me off? To let me know how they felt months later? They didn’t mention that they stuck up for us, and even at some point, said they shared the same feelings. I always had a great relationship with them, so I kind of was extremely upset about this.
At this point, I really want nothing to do with his extended family, but they’re all really close, so I’m not sure how I can smile and fake it for the next 50 years? I made a personalized wedding book with their side of the family in it for Christmas, and now I completely regret doing that.
Post # 3
I don’t think this will help but you just have to grit your teeth and get over it. Try to let it go completely. Part of the experience of having different beliefs than people is being judged by a different set of standards. If they want to see your marriage as a sham because it didn’t involve Jesus, then so what. You know and your fiancee knows what it means to be married to each other. You know your vows. Try to let it go because it won’t go away. When you have kids you might get the same reaction if you do not baptise them or if you invite Santa into your Christmas traditions. Everyone lives by a different set of rules and you cannot please everyone.
What I’m saying is that you have to accept them for who they are and when they say things like that you need to remember all the good things about them and let the rest flow like water off a duck’s back. Sorry I’m not more help.
Post # 4
@Bunny: No, you are right. I do need to let it go, but I also can’t overlook the fact that I don’t like these people, even after years of trying or pretending to .It’s just becoming more and more difficult now. With the exceptions of his parents and siblings, there is not much good to hang onto. We got a lecture in our wedding cards, they bash my gay friends, my beliefs, etc. Not one party goes by that I don’t hear a joke that is racist or an observation that is way out there. They are generally friendly people, but in a my way is the only right way, and if you’re not like me, then screw you. So, I know I’m forced to interact with them, but I just wish they made it easier.
Post # 5
@Bunny: I agree with you. But also this is all secondhand information. I personally never believe anythig I hear from someone else. If I feel like I need it verified I go direct to the person atht supposedly said it. Often it’s the person who is passing on the second or third hand story that has interpreted it by their own standards.
Unless these family members actually say it to your face then I would take it with a grain of sale.
Maybe these things are what your MIL/FIL think and not extended family? If it bothers you I would talk to them. Also if it is true well these things were said in a private conversation that wasn’t meant to include you so your really not in a pisition to say anything unless you have never ever said anything about someone else without them present.
If it is true then yes everyone has their own beliefs and standards especially when it comes packaged with religion. Unless they are disrespectful to you in person i would just let it go.
Post # 6
@j_jaye: The conservastion apparently took place the day after the wedding at a family member’s birthday party. We didn’t attend, because we were traveling. My Mother-In-Law claims her brother started it and various other members chimed in. So, we weren’t there, but I wouldn’t consider the conservation private. It is secondhand, but they have said many things to both of us many times. Two uncles, put in our wedding cards that if we just “found God” our lives wouldnt be so bad anymore because God takes care of those who are “worth it”. The crazy thing is I’m very spiritual, but it’s really none of their business. I guess I’m just upset about constantly being the topic of some kind of criticism. I respect their beliefs, and would really love some of the same.
Post # 7
Some people like to hear themselves talk I think…. I know its hard, but ignore it and kill them with kindness if you are up to it. Be the better person (even though you already are).
Post # 8
@leebaby711: I’m sorry this happened. It does not sound fun.
I have a bit of a different take. I think, to a certain extent, you are stuck with having to get over this, but that doesn’t mean that you have to let these people insult you and/or your friends, etc. Frankly, if his uncle put that kind of crap on my facebook page, I would be sending him a message that said something along the lines of “Please do not post comments on my page if they are going to be offensive to my friends and family. If you continue to do so, I will be removing your ability to post on my wall”. I would then do it if he doesn’t stop. If he continues to be a s&%#disturber, I would just remove him or block him.
At parties or family get togethers where they make horrible comments to you, I would say “I do not choose to discuss this topic” and walk away. You can be stronger if they don’t stop. You don’t have to sit there and listen to someone be offensive just because they are family.
I’d like to know where your Darling Husband is in all of this. It was his ceremony too and they shouldn’t be just coming to you with their complaints.
Post # 9
@ArwenBride: Thank you! It really isn’t fun, because I want to have a good relationship with them, but they’re making it hard. I’m terrible at standing up for myself, so I think that’s why it keeps happening. I just walk away and vent to my husband after the fact, which really doesn’t do anything. He was annoyed too, but he’s used to them so he always let’s it roll off his back, and forgets it. Which is a trait I wish I have, but I don’t.
I’ll definitely take your advice, and say something, respectfully, next time. I was just so annoyed and hurt yesterday I needed to vent. So, thanks for the advice everyone!