Post # 1
Short version: First of all I have always indented and will still be inviting my grandmother to my wedding. The story…My grandmother is abusive. Told me at 16 she never loved me because I am my father’s child (she could never control my father and his life like she did with her other childern). She has since I can remember told me I will not amount to much and to be more obedient, this is after I have been doing the right thing and taking care of her and her house when I am in town during the summer from school. The straw that broke the camels back, she tried to convice me that I should not trust my father and that he is lying cheating scum, at which point I just got up and left without a word, I was done. Now my wedding is coming up and my Aunt has told me that her and her family will not attend my wedding till I make things up to my grandmother. I really love my little cousin, Uncle and Aunt and would really like them at my wedding.
I really don’t know how to respond to this. I know that my grandmother wants me to beg for her forgiveness, which I just won’t do. I don’t even trust myself to go see her because I know that I will blow up on her with almost 3 decades worth of angry if she even tries to play the victim like she always does. On top of it for me to even make amends before the invites go out would mean sending a letter or calling by phone since I live half way around the world from her so I won’t see her till a month before the wedding as it is. I guess what I am asking for is what would you bees do in a situation like this?
Long version: First of all I have always indented and will still be inviting my grandmother to my wedding. The sotry…My grandmother is very abusive. She is this way becasue my father took after his father’s italian side, she is japanese, and was smarter than his older brother, I mean getting letters from Ivy League schools without applying because he was in the top 5% of his class smart. My father would not let his life be micro managed by his mother and would not disown a whole side of his family like she wanted him too. 3 decades later my brother and I were born and have gotten the same abuse becasue we won’t let her control our lives either and would not turn against our own father. Now you have to understand that to my dad’s two siblings my grandmother could do no wrong and we are either lying about what she does or are over reacting to things/we should forgive her becasue she is our elder. Even though I have been a good grandaughter and taken care of her every summer up to two summers ago she would still say horrible things to me and once flat out said she never loved me ever. She even for years sent my brother money for chirstmas and his birthday but not me becasue she was mad with me and thought the money would turn me back to her, yeah it didn’t. The straw that broke the camels back was 2 summers ago when I was over doing some laundry. She had been oddly really nice to me the week leading up to this which had me on edge because that never means anything good. Well while I was talking with her she proceeded to change the subject to my father. About how he arrived in town and didn’t see her for two weeks and doesn’t visit often, mind you I arrived with him and didn’t see her either, I explained again to her about how we both got very sick within a day of arriving and didn’t want to expose her to what we had since it had us bed ridden and what it could have done to her in her 80s.
She then proceeded to try and convince me that my father is lying, cheating, scum and that I shouldn’t trust him. I didn’t know what to say I tried to change the topic but she wouldn’t allow it. It honestly felt like I had an out of body experience. All I remeber doing was collecting my laundry and leaving, I don’t think I even said anything I just left and I didn’t go back every. As I sit here typing this I can honestly say I don’t love my grandmother and I don’t care what happens to her, it’s like… I don’t know how to describe it I just feel nothing anymore. I know that if I see her and she tries to get me to beg for forgiveness I will most likely scream and yell at her with all the angry that is there after decades but I can honestly say that I don’t care if I ever see her again. At the same time though I have no fight with my Aunt and this fight doesn’t involve her at all, if you even want to call it a fight. I just don’t know what to do in this situation. Do I try and mend things just for the wedding or say the hell with it? How do I even fix things since anything I say will just upset them more unless I beg for forgiveness?
Post # 2
Your short and long version are the same length.
Anywho Inwould not invite her because you don’t need to put yourself through that. Others can make their decisions based on that but don’t worry about that at this stage. That is their decision and choice to make
Post # 3
Don’t apologize, and don’t invite her. If others say they won’t come if you don’t, then that is their choice. Abusers and emotional manipulators are disgusting.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA
If you don’t even talk to her, why would you invite her? Call a spade a spade.
To your aunt’s family, I’d say “I really hope you attend my wedding. If you don’t, you’ll be missed. I will respect your decision”.
Post # 5
I don’t think it’s right for your Aunt to manipulate you like this. Only invite people you want there & if they don’t come that’s their choice.
Post # 6
I agree with everyone who said don’t apologize and leave it up to your aunt and her family if they want to miss their niece’s wedding over drama that has nothing to do with them.
Post # 7
You shouldn’t have people at your wedding who are so full of negativity and hate. Don’t invite your grandmother but tell your other family that you hope they change their minds because they’ll be missed. Thaty way the ball is in their court and it’s their fault for missing the wedding, not yours. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Post # 8
You absolutely do not give in. If they want to play emotional terrorist that’s on them. Don’t allow them to manipulate you like that. Ftr what they’re attempting to do is despicable.
My cousin aunts etc tried to force me to make nice yet again with my abusive nmom. Been there.
These people are okay with putting you in contact with your abuser. These people don’t care about your best interest. We can care about people deeply who don’t have our best interests in mind.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t invite any of them. You don’t need manipulative and negative people in your life regardless of their relation to you. I would not apologize. You have nothing to apologize for. I know she is your grandmother but I would not be inviting her to my wedding at all based on what you have stated in your post. She sounds bitter, lonely and unhappy and she is trying to place all the blame on you and your father. Why does she feel like this about you and your father? It’s kind of strange. I wouldn’t have any one at my wedding who didn’t truly support me or my relationship. I would just tell you aunt. I’m sorry that you feel that way and sorry that you will not be able to make it to my wedding but you will be missed and move on. They are trying to control and manipulate you.
Post # 10
I would not apologize and not invite her. If your aunt chooses not to come with her family, that’s their choice but she shouldn’t force you to apologize and hold their attendance as a prize.
You will be too busy on the day to celebrate with the people who love you and came to think about them…
Post # 11
You are now an adult, getting married. You do not need to apologize to your grandmother, if you feel you have nothing to apologize for, and she is unlikely to relent if you do.
You also don’t owe any explanations to anyone else, about the matter. They have no right to dictate your relationships, or give ultimatums on who you are close with.
Send them invitations if you wish, and don’t discuss it. I know it’s hard, be strong. Concentrate on the good things in life.
Post # 12
Screw grandma and screw anyone who sides with her.
Stand your ground.
Post # 13
Let them go ahead and boycott the wedding. Do not feel the need to cave into family pressure to put up with bad behavior. xoxo
Post # 14
Do not invite your grandmother.
Post # 15
Do what you need to do for yourself.
How does your father feel about it?
We ended up not inviting DHs aunt to our wedding because his mother and her do not get along. His mom told us she would not come if she was there. It really wasn’t fair to DH because he had a good relationship with his aunt, but we felt like we were pushed in a corner. So because his sunt didn’t come, his cousins didn’t either. I wish we woul dhave stood our ground. I’m sure his mother wouldn’t have missed her sons wedding. And now we haven’t spoken to his aunt since. Its really sad.
Don’t let other people dictate your wedding. Invite and do not invite who you want. If your aunt chooses not to come then that is on her.