Family Christmas plans didn't go as planned…needing to vent

posted 3 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
294 posts
Helper bee

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Bets711 :  Speaking from experience, this isn’t yours or your FH’s fault. Teenagers at that age are difficult enough, but something tells me the divorce from his ex was not amicable.

I’m making the assumptions that: the daughter lives with her mother full time, and that the mother has a problem with your FH. Yes, 17 year olds are busy, but they still don’t usually have total control over their full schedule.

To me it sounds like her mother may be partially to blame for this. Divorce is hard, and sometimes parents say things to their children about their ex that they shouldn’t. Your FH’s ex may be saying some things to push her away (just an assumption), or she could be guilting his daughter into doing more stuff with her family. Again, it’s all just assumption based on experience. 

If your FH is on speaking terms with his ex, it may be appropriate for him to call her and chat about what’s going on. If she knows her daughter has plans with her dad, she shouldn’t be making plans for her daughter that day.

Sorry you’re going through this. But, again from experience, as your FH’s daughter gets older, things will get better.

Post # 4
Member
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

You and your husband’s feelings are totally justified. I think this just comes with teenagers through college-age. It’s kind of a flakey time when they’re still learning how to maturely exercise their independence. I think the best thing you can do is make it a no drama situation. Expectation/disappointment make it feel like a chore, while parent’s who are happy you’re there when you’re there make it fun to go home (even if it’s not enough).

Post # 5
Member
9127 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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baileybagels :  

Yes x 100. With the odd gentle talk about responsibility, need to not be totally selfish  etc . 

Post # 6
Member
5872 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

In her mind she seen her dad on Christmas Eve which wasn’t that long ago, particularly as she usually only sees him once a week at most. I can definitely see your your husband is upset but she sounds like a typical teenager. Could you guys travel to her more often to grab breakfast or lunch more often maybe? I can see why a teenager wouldn’t want to “give up” every other weekend to go stay in another town with her dad/ any parent but if you guys travelled to her you might be able to see her most weekends but for shorter periods of time. 

Post # 7
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I am in my 30s now but was in a similar situation as a teenager. I know that I didn’t see and stay at my dads as much as I got older and if I did I was often going out later or had things to do but it was never in my mind that I was not wanting to be with my dad I was just very busy and friend focused. It was also a bit like visiting someone when I was at his house as it wasn’t my ‘home’ and didn’t have all my stuff and having to pack up everything I may need was a bit of a hassle. Plus between finishing school, work, friends, events it wasn’t like I was even spending that much ‘quality’ time with my mum either as it was often just day to day stuff. I now see my parents alllll the time. I have little kids and my dad pops round during the day and hangs out with us. So I would remind him to keep making the effort and if she knows she’s loved and welcome then she will make the time when she can. 

Post # 9
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2020

it’s hard to say something concrete

Post # 10
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My 18 yo daughter has a great relationship with her dad but since she was 16 has chosen to spend the night at his place less and less.  She has visited this past year only a handful of times and never spent the night.  Her friends, her room, her dog, most everything of hers is here.  So he picks her up to drive her to her hockey games, goes to all of her band stuff, and will stop by my place just to spend time with her.  Because he’s the adult and he’s the one who needs to sacrifice more to spend time with her and he gets that.  Teenagers are just more interested in other things then spending the night outside their home unless it’s with friends.  They kinda suck that way

Post # 11
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

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Bets711 :  damn, this makes me feel bad for always ditching my dad. I have a lot of resentent towards my dad bc my mom hates him but idk why, he’s a good guy and he loves me. Daughters just suck to their dads, we only care about our moms. Thank you for being a good step-mom and for keeping a good dad company. I wish my parents could get divorced and find good company too.

Edit: I don’t mean we literally only care about our moms, I just was always closer to my mom bc my dad was a merchant marine and gone a lot growing up 

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