(Closed) Family complaining of thank-you-card ettiquitte!

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
634 posts
Busy bee

No. You don’t have a year. Or six months. And honestly, I think it’s fair for them to assume you won’t send one at two months.

If you want to save face about the timeline, get the cards out ASAP and make mention of what use you got out of them during the crazy holiday season. That can gently remind them and buy you some forgiveness. But I wouldn’t outright call them out on being grousy, no no no.

Post # 4
37 posts
  • Wedding: January 2014

If they called your mom, ask your mom to relay that you are still working on the thank you notes and that you have a year to send them out under “proper wedding etiquette” so they should just be patient and they will arrive in the next few months!

Post # 5
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

@alicroo86:  I would just get those cards out as soon as possible, like this week. It’s sucky, but you’re probably better off just sending them all out at once (so those family members can hear through the grapevine that other people got notes as well) as quickly as possible. And I wouldn’t mention the timing at all, but maybe just make sure you have a couple extra personalized sentences in your note so they see you’re putting a lot of effort into them and not just cranking out generic notes. Something like, I remember when I was a kid and we would blah blah blah and I’m so glad that husband has met you and hoping next time we’re in town we can blah blah blah like old times. Or whatever. And better ‘late’ than never.

Also hoping you don’t get flamed for this but FYI I think it’s generally accepted around here that guests have a year to send a gift (although they’re not required to at all so the whole deadline thing doesn’t make much sense) but thank you notes should be done more quickly. Two months doesn’t seem incredibly long to me–if you were using a wedding picture as your cards you would barely have the cards to write on yet, and that’s if you and your photographer were really speedy–but apparently it is to those people.

FWIW we had our cards done a week after the wedding, mostly because we took just a mini-vacation and then I was sick so we were just hanging around the house. And people were all, that’s so fast, you don’t have to do all that immediately. Different strokes….

Post # 6
1643 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@alicroo86:  first – I have to tell you iI don’t know the last thing about “proper” thank you card etiquette; but personally I’d think that 6-8 weeks is sufficient time to send out thank you cards. I would presume after 2 months that a thank you wasn’t coming if I hadn’t received it by then

Post # 7
11517 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@alicroo86:  I don’t think you get a year, 3 months is my personal rule.  I just got a Thank you for a labour day weekend wedding – which I felt was pushing it.  I’m still waiting on one from JULY and I’m a little annoyed – I’ve seen thr couple several times since, she keeps talking about how behind they are – this is one of the reasons that I really don’t like photo thank yous, they take way too long.

Post # 9
3237 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Yea, I think 2 months is too long. When do you think you’ll have them out?

Post # 10
1832 posts
Buzzing bee

You do NOT have a year to send out thank you notes!  TBH I would be unhappy if you hadn’t sent me one yet.  I attended a bridal shower 2 months ago and the bride still hasn’t done her thank you notes.  It is pretty rude.  Now, that same bride has been married for a month, had over 200 at her wedding and is quite backlogged.

The ones you have done should be in the mail and the ones for the relatives you are complaining should be done today.

Your relatives are not wrong for being miffed about this.  Cards need to be done ASAP.  If you do 5 everyday you will knock them out quickly.  If EACH of you do 5 (my nephew did many from his wedding) everyday they will be knocked out in no time.

Why have you not mailed the ones you have been working on?

Post # 11
7625 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

After about two months I also start to assume that we’re not going to get thank you notes. I think three months tops is acceptable but I really think they should be out sooner than that. I don’t think you need to address the situation. Just focus on getting the notes out.

Post # 12
1243 posts
Bumble bee

@alicroo86:  Sure, you’ve been married for two months, but when did you get the gift from them? You’re supposed to send thank you’s immediately after receiving the gift.

Post # 13
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I would just get them out with out addressing the FB post or the conversation with your Mother.  Sometimes people are concerned if the gift they sent you arrived, or if the money they gave you got lost.   I have received some thank you notes after a year but some how got all mine out in a month.  

Post # 14
9123 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Psshh, two months isn’t that long. I wonder if all these commenters have tried writing 100+ thank you notes, plus dealing with the rest of life, in under 2 months? (I’m thinking not since a lot of them are not married yet.) Most reasonable people understand that newlyweds have a LOT going on and cut them a little slack. 

But yes, ASAP would be good. I wouldn’t say anything in particular to the complainers. Just get them out. (Under 3 months was my rule.)

Post # 15
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I think the important question is whether they gave you the gift at the wedding, or at a shower/other beforehand event. If they gave you the gift before the wedding, you should have tried to get their thank you note out ASAP. At or after the wedding, I think you get a lot more leeway, because you probably didn’t even open the gift until you were back from the honeymoon.

A few years ago I had friend get married in March, and I had to bring the gift to the wedding (her mom lived nearby and I was assured that transport wasn’t a problem). I knew I wouldn’t be getting a card for a while. Come August, I got a message from her “Um… what did you get us again? Writing thank you notes is hard!” I wasn’t annoyed at all; I thought it was hilarious! Of course they lost track of what came from whom if the presents were brought to the wedding.

Post # 16
7625 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@lolot:  yes I have actually. I wrote about 110 and got them out in under a month while moving, working plenty of overtime, and ‘dealing with everyday life’. 

Even if you only write two per day (which takes maybe 15 minutes at the most) you will get 100 out in under two months. Definitely doable.

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