(Closed) Family disagreeing over autistic step son

posted 8 years ago in Reception
Post # 3
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’ve never had to deal with an issue like this, nor do I know anyone that has.  But, what I can offer, is that your Fiance and the mother of his child know what is best for their son.  Regardless of what anyone else thinks, it’s ultimately up to them (and now you as part of his life) to determine the activities that are appropriate for him to be a part of. If your Fiance doesn’t think this is a safe situation for his son to be in, then he needs to deal with his family on it.

Post # 4
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

The rest of your husband’s family needs to stay out of it.  This decision is up to the child’s parents and that’s it.  It sounds like you have come up with a resolution that is in the best interest of you and your step-son, and that his mother is on board with this plan.  Don’t listen to anyone else and do what works for your family!

Post # 5
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have never been in a situation like this, but great job to you and your Fiance for handling it so well!  I think there will always be people who disapprove of us (regardless of what it is about!).  This is a touchy subject for many, but the reasons you stated above are very clear and make complete sense as to why it may be best for him to stay with his mother.  I think you tell people what you told us and from there, that is all you can do.  You are looking out for his best interest and it would not be fair to him to go to your wedding only to be lost and confused with everyone else there and the noise involved.  Plus, as the bride and groom you will be expected to talk to people and mingle and you will not be able to devote the day to watching him and making sure he is comfortable.  I wish you the best in this!  I can definitely understand your reasons for this decision and agree that it is probably the best for your future son.

Post # 6
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think I would say to people exactly what you just said to us. It makes perfect sense, and really sounds like you are keeping his best interest in mind.

(but as someone who currently has her mother angry at her over an invite to a bridal shower for someone i’ve never met/isn’t invited to the wedding, I definitely know that reason and logic can sometimes do nothing for you when weddings are involved 🙂 ).

Good luck!!!!!

Post # 7
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

My son is only Asperger’s, not autistic, and he is an adult.   Nevertheless, he is having a really hard time dealing with the fact that his own wedding reception will be large (about 150 people).  His usual technique for dealing with large crowds is to disappear every once in a while, and he’s not sure how to cope if he cannot do that.  I just cannot imagine subjecting a 4-year-old with full autism to that!

Post # 10
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Schatzie821: I think that having your Fiance with you when you talk to his parents will absolutely help.  That way it will be coming from you two as a united front, not as you trying to get out of having him at the wedding (which you aren’t!  But people like to have their own crazy opinions sometimes…).  You tell the family as a team that this is your decision and these are the reasons why.  This is a decision to be made by you guys as his (step)parents and not by whoever else in the family wants to get involved.  Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

as a teacher of preschool special needs students, most with some form of autism, you are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing! The change in sleeping conditions alone would be enough to throw him out of the loop. The lights and music and noise from the people would be chaotic to him. I think your plans to include him at a later day are nice and perfect for him!

Post # 12
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I agree with kelleyandbauder. I’ve taught kids with special needs (most with severe autism) for 7 years now, so I’m well aware of how much these kids strive to be on a routine and to have things stable in their lives. To up-end that routine, place him in a completely unfamiliar situation, and top it off with sensory overload is a recipe for disaster. I do think both you and Fiance should talk with his family, and maybe provide specific examples of times that you have changed routines with the son which didn’t end so well (i.e. tantruming). I think as long as you stress the point that you will be including him at a later date, it should be okay. Your decision will benefit you, Fiance, and your step-son.

Post # 13
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Stop doing “all the talking”. You shouldnt be talking about this with your Future Mother-In-Law, your Fiance should. It’s the only way it’s going to be viewed as a decision in the best interest of your son. Otherwise you run the risk of looking like the evil step mom who is stealing the dad away: Next stop, an evil boarding school for you! muahaha

Seriously though, everyone here agrees with you and I truly think you are doing the right thing by your new son but all the public relations part of your decision has to be handled by your Fiance.

Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Heinz Chapel Ceremony, Museum Reception

You are absolutely making the right decision. You, your Fiance, and your stepson’s mom know what’s best for him. I work in education and have taught a number of autistic kids, and you are so right that the crowds, lights, and loud music would probably be very difficult for him to handle. I think it will make you all sad and stressed if you need to soothe him from a meltdown during the reception. Just do what you know is right for him–it’s really not your FMIL’s concern.

Post # 15
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

You are absolutely 100% making the right decision. I am in school for special education right now, and I work primarily with students with autism. He would absolutely be stressed and confused with the crowds, lights, and noises that he isn’t familiar with and he wouldn’t be comfortable with anyone but you or your fiance. Although I’m sure your Future Mother-In-Law wants him to be there because she loves him, she also probably does not understand how badly this could affect him, and how he would truly be upset by the situation. Stand your ground and do what’s right for your son – this is YOUR decision, not anyone else’s, and you are doing what’s best for him.

Post # 16
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think you are totally making the right decision. Is there any way that you could spend some quality time with your step-son and your future in-laws? Like spend a day or an afternoon together for some family bonding? Unfortunately your in-laws might not ever come around on this one – but just keep explaining how you are doing this with his best interets at heart.

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