(Closed) Family disapproves of fiance.

posted 13 years ago in Family
Post # 17
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2021

Mlindsey, that was really well said….

Post # 18
3 posts
  • Wedding: June 2009

This may be an appropriate or inappropriate post, depending on the reader…

What I would do if I was in your position, I would pray. I asked God if he wanted me to date my Fiance almost three years ago and he gave me a sign loud and clear. If God is in your relationship and you know that Tyler is the man that he wants you to be with, no earthy thing (or person) matters.

I agree with Mlindsey too. I get very upset when people put an age limit on marriage. I believe that there is a right time for everything; and not everyone’s time is the same.

I knew after 7 months of dating that I wanted to marry my Fiance, however, we had college to go through and would not have been able to support ourselves until next Spring, which is when we will get married.

We’ve almost been together for three years, which has been a long time to not be intimate (we’re saving ourselves until marriage), but ultimately God has a wonderful plan for our lives that we are so excited about.

In the end, the only person you have to listen to is Christ.

No one else died on the Cross for you.  

Post # 19
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

    I agree and disagree with several things that have been previously stated. Age has very little to do with this  both my parents and my sister were married young (before 21) and they have wonderful relationship with no more or no less rocks in the road than any other. No one can tell you to do or not to do something. But here is what little advice I can give you.

    Family is important , and even if it doesn’t seem so sometimes they love you very much for you and they only want what is best for you.If this was me I would invite my parents to dinner and have both my Fiance and me explain our engagement. It’s important to tell them , you don’t what them to find this out from anyone else , how would you feel if the situations were reversed?

     I  would sit down and listen to their concerns , and express why you feel that this is right for me. Explain that while I may not be seeking their approval , I do hope for their support. Make sure you do this with a cool head , and remember that things said in anger are not always true even by ones who love you! (I’ve had to doosie blow ups with my mom).

   On an entirely different topic , MY father is a carpenter , and I couldn’t be prouder of him. He worked his way through college and has a masters. He wanted to be a lit professor , but found he could not support his family as such. Having a skill trade is something that no one can outsource! people are always going to need houses , want new cabinets the list goes on and on… don’t let anyone look done on Tyler OR YOU because he chooses to make an honest living working with his hands!  

 I wish you good luck and much happiness! congratulations on your graduation and on your engagement. 

Post # 20
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with pp that this is NOT about the age thing. If you were 20 and had been dating Tyler for 5 years, then I think the advice would be different. However, the two issues here (IMO) are your family and the amount of time you have been with Tyler. I think that 7 months is really not a lot of time to get to know a person enough to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them. I’ve had some friends that have gotten engaged in less time, and it just seemed that things were moving VERY fast. I got engaged to my Fiance in a year, which I thought was quite a short amount of time, and we purposely planned a 2 year engagement (and live together) in order to give us and our families tons of time to get to know each other.

I think that in your case, the two problems are interrelated since they may not like Tyler since they haven’t really gotten to know him due to the of the short amount time you have been together. You may be right about the "money" thing, however if they got to know Tyler more, perhaps their views would change…

Therefore, the advice I’d give to you is to have a lengthy engagement so that your family can grow to love Tyler the same way that you do. Good luck and congratulations.

Post # 21
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

i just got married yesterday, and my new husband’s name is tyler! 🙂 we’re both 21, so i agree that age has nothing to do with it – we’ve been dating for 2.5 years, and our families were 110% on board. their support was absolutely necessary – i could not have done it without them.

in some cases, i’d agree that your family’s opinion doesn’t mean anything. and if you had been dating for 5 years and they still didn’t approve, then i’d say yeah, get married anyways.

it never hurts to wait – marriage isn’t going anywhere. 🙂 stay engaged, tell your family, deal with the backlash, but tell them you want to take at least a year before the wedding to let them get to know tyler. don’t back down – stick to this relationship if you believe in it. but realize your family loves you, and is just concerned.

on a practical note, engagement/wedding planning brings out the best and worst in anyone. i really think it’s a good proving ground for relationships. if you can’t get through the engagement, you shouldn’t be getting married!

Post # 22
53 posts
Worker bee

congrats on your engagement. i’m sorry that it is overshadowed by concern. i have a few personal opinions… 

in terms of your age — although it is true that age may have nothing to do with it since you may very well be mature, i think that it would be fair to say that many people change in the 20s regardless of how mature you are (including what things are important to you). i know that i’ve changed from my early 20s to my early 30s and that things i thought i needed in a mate have changed as well…

in terms of your family — i can see that you value your family (and their opinion to a degree), which is why you are so distraught. although there is always a part of us that often disagrees with our parents, often more times than not, they really do have the best intentions for us. For me, my parents always somehow disapproved of my prior boyfriends. And although i felt like i could be rebellious and felt that they were "wrong" and "close minded", in the back of my mind, it always bothered me despite the fact that i continued to date them (because in my mind, i could and i would. haha). But, I am glad that that i ultimately listened, because now i am SO happily engaged to the man i believe was meant for me (and my parents are approving, which is so great as well!). 

and ultimately, i agree with everyone’s sentiment that you should take your time to get officially married. Although it would seem easy to want to just do what both of you want, i think marriage will be hard enough and to not have the support of your families would not only be difficult, but really sad. And if this guy truly loves you, he will wait. If it is truly meant to be, then waiting for a year and even two or more should not change the future of your relationship. (and i mean a year or two where you are NOT planning a wedding, since that is its own beast…since i think most bees can attest that the relationship often becomes centered around planning the wedding instead of the relationship itself). Let your family get to know him since i’m sure they have valid concerns (a little more time will allow them a chance to get to hopefully see his true character and all that you love about him)…let your friends get to know him since they will be the people who will always have your best interest at heart.

hope i made sense 

Good luck and i hope that everything works out for you. keep us updated. 

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