Post # 16
LaPetiote : that’s tough. And as much as I hate people trying to manipulate you into doing what ever they think you should do.. i kinda see where she is coming from. She is your husbands sister. So your husbands loyalty lies with her. You as you are your husbands wife follow his lead when it comes to his family dynamics.
If the roles were reversed.. and say your brother was getting divorced but you and your husband were friends with your brother’s wife… you would most likely stick by your brother and your husband by you snd follow your lead when it comes to your family dynamics.
Post # 17
I think she is putting you in a tough situation… but I would side with the SIL. She is the blood relative of your husband, and her family is your family in law forever- not worth making those relationships difficult. Maybe as time passes she will lighten her views, but as a member of the family by marriage, I would definitely follow the cues of the other blood relatives before I had a relationship with him.
Post # 18
ana2017 : mgbser : yeah, I tried to imagine myself in the same situation and that’s why I don’t want to rock the boat by insisting I want to stay in touch with my Brother-In-Law. It’s just a shame that I get on so much better with him, and I feel bad for him because he didn’t want to divorce and fought to keep their family together, but now she’s got what she wants and she’s trying to alienate him. For me, he’s my niece’s Dad so he’ll always be part of it.
Post # 19
LaPetiote : It’s none of SIL’s business who you are friends with. Of course you can stay friends with Brother-In-Law, or anyone else.
However, I wouldn’t tell SIL about times you meet Brother-In-Law. It’d just cause unnecessary drama. Similarly, never pass on to Brother-In-Law any information about SIL. (And if he asks, politely refuse to tell him).
And that’s not hard to do. In fact, that is what I do my divorced parents. Although in that case they obviously both know I see the other, I never tell them anything about the other, or about my visits to the other. My mother has no idea how often I see my father, and vice versa.
Post # 20
aussiemum1248 : I won’t tell her we keep in touch, but when we visit we always stay with my Mother-In-Law so it would be difficult to see him without anyone knowing. Also, I wouldn’t tell him what they say about him, especially because at the moment none of it is very nice and I don’t agree with any of it. He knows I want to be neutral and he doesn’t talk to me about his relationship, only about his daughter and then other subjects completely.
Post # 21
LaPetiote : “but when we visit we always stay with my Mother-In-Law so it would be difficult to see him without anyone knowing.”
You and Darling Husband don’t need to tell Mother-In-Law where you’ve been you go out, though I realise with some family dynamics it’s hard to avoid.
Post # 22
LaPetiote : You can be friends with whomever you want. Your SIL is being petty, and I would completely ignore her. Its not her business who you are friends with, and while I probably wouldn’t flaunt the friendship, as long as you are discussing him with her it shouldn’t be an issue. I’m a firm believer that family isn’t about blood, and especially once kids are involved you just have to learn to play by a new set of rules.
FWIW, my Darling Husband is still very close to his “uncle” despite the fact he’s been divorced from DH’s aunt and remarried for 20+ years. Darling Husband is not close at all to his aunt (who he’s actually blood related to), she’s insane and an alcoholic – we haven’t seen or spoken to her in at least 15 years and she was not invited to our wedding. Meanwhile, Darling Husband remained very very close to his uncle and current wife….in fact we both are.
Post # 23
LaPetiote : Life is short. Be friends with whoever you want. THE most important thing is the child. I think it sends a positive message if everyone is still friends. Your SIL needs to put her daughter first.