Post # 1
Bees I need some advice. My family all live in Ontario, while my finace’s family are all out in PEI. We were originally looking at getting married in Ontario, and his family would fly in, but every door kept getting shut in our faces for venue, vendors, etc. As soon as I started contacting venues and vendors in PEI, doors opened! It’s also a lot cheaper out there (for vendors), and my family is 90% retired people who can afford to pay for their own plane tickets and lodging, while 90% of his family is working. It just seems to make sense to get married in PEI. Now here’s the issue: my mom! She works, and any time she books off would be unpaid time. When I mentioned we were looking at PEI for our wedding, she got very upset, telling me she may not be able to afford to come out there for the wedding, or to take a day or two off work. We’re looking at a May long weekend wedding, Friday night to Monday morning, so that people will have the extra day to either spend on the island, or head back home. She doesn’t work during the summer, but the costs of EVERYTHING in PEI skyrockets in the summer.
What do I do? I love my mom, and of course I want her at my wedding, but if I re-book for the summer, we’ll be spending more money (as will all the guests), and if I re-book in Ontario it will be inconvenincing EVERYONE except her. She gets very irraitonal, and any time I try to talk to her, it ends in either a fight, or her giving me the silent treatment. I even offered to help her pay for a place to stay.
Post # 2
thepurplegirl: This is really difficult because if you rebook everytime someone says they can’t make it then you’ll never get married…but it is your mom. And she’s going to have to take time off either way to come to your wedding, right? I would keep the wedding in PEI and if you can…maybe just give her a little bit of cash to help her get her ticket and help cover some costs. The only reason I say that is because we had to help my FI’s mom a little with the cost for her, unfortunately. We could swing it and it wasn’t that big of a deal. It kept the peace and now she doesn’t complain about the wedding anymore. Maybe talk to your Fiance about it and see what your options are to help her out
Post # 3
Did you not check with your VIPs or Mom before deciding on getting married out on PEI?
And yes, those reitred may be able to travel and pay for their travel to PEI but that doesn’t mean that they are going to want to do that. You shouldn’t assume things about people’s financial status or ability to travel because it will only bite you in the butt.
So you need to check the date and location with all of your VIPs before moving forward with planning. I would then talk to your Fiance and tell him that you want to use part of your budget to help pay your Mom’s way to your wedding.
Post # 4
acglandorf: I already told her we could help her out with her lodgings (it’s a little, two-bedroom cottage…she could have a close friend who I was going to invite anyway stay with her, AND I would use it as my place to get ready for the wedding as well), AND give her some money for gas (she wants to drive out). But she’s also peeved that my dad and his side will be invited too. It was a bad breakup and she hasn’t really dealt with it yet…
Post # 5
thepurplegirl: If she can get the time off and you’re helping with costs, as you suggest, that’s really all you can do.
Her issues with your father are her issues and hers alone. What are you going to do, not invite your father and half of your family to your wedding?
Post # 6
thepurplegirl: Can you use some of the money you’re saving to pay for your mom to come? I would feel terrible if my wedding caused my mom financial hardship and she was torn between having to miss it vs missing a bill or something. I’d either have it where she could come, or pay for all her expenses.
Post # 7
gatsbybride2016: <— What she said. Whenever she starts pitching a bitch about your Dad and his family being invited I would say “Mom, I know that the breakup was hard on you but I want my Dad and his family at my wedding. This is important to me, so please understand that.” Then change the subject. And if she keeps brining it up after that tell her “Mom, you know my feelings on this.” then change the subject.
Post # 8
thepurplegirl: If she keeps trying to come up with reasons not to go, that is on her and you need to tell her that. I’d say ‘Hey mom, I know the whole money thing is a problem and you know that we’ll help you out in any way that we can but it seems like you’re taking every opportunity to complain about this wedding. From where it is to who’s invited. You’re making me feel really bad about it and it’s stressing me out. I really want your support for this day.” And then just see what she says. Or…just listen to her complain.
Post # 9
I think you’re going out of your way to consider others- including your mom who you’ve made generous and considerate offers to her. I think this is more about her being bitter and emotionally manipulative TBH, she sounds like the type to make threats and guilt others when she doesn’t get her own way. You’ve not only offered to set up a lovely little cottage for her and a companion & to get ready for the wedding there with her, but to help her out financially as well. But she can’t expect to dictate a location that will be less convenient for pretty much everyone except herself and she certainly can’t expect you to exclude your father & his family. You’ve done more than enough to be a loving and considerate daughter Bee- time for her to act a little less spiteful and show you the same consideration. Don’t let her emotionally blackmail you, you’ve gone out of your way to make it possible for her to come, the rest is up to her.
Post # 10
I get it that you say that 90% of your family is retired, but it really seems to me that your mom is hearing, I am not important. Tradiiton is bride gets married where her family lives. Where do you live? Where will you live after you get married.
Post # 11
thepurplegirl: Just wondering –I don’t know if it makes much of a difference to your guests, but something to consider, since you said Summer in PEI are expensive. Are you planning on getting married on PEI in Summer? Can you get married there just before or after the Summer season? Late Spring/Early Autumn?
I think you are being very considerate of your mom. I hope she will come around, maybe it’s a shock to her that you aren’t planning on getting married in your home town. It might be a bit emotional for her? Does she always act this way, or is she usually cool about things?
She may also feel a bit like you don’t think “she” is that important, with this change. I would just make sure that you make her feel happy and not like you are making his family come first. She may be a bit emotional that she is loosing her relationship with you, and this just may be a “symptom” of her feeling that.
If she is not usually like that, then you might want to make sure that you include her in your decision-making, and help her to still feel special and included. If she pushes what she wants for your wedding to be, then don’t include her so much, but make sure that you let her know how important she still is to you.
Post # 12
Only you kniw if your mom’s budget is too tight to absorb two unpaid days. If it is, I’d probably pay for those days, especially if she is of limited income, and I’d pay her expenses for the wedding. You are saving quite a lot by having it when and where you are- I’d use some of the savings to insure she is able to attend.
as far as your dad and his family being invited, that is your choice. Practice saying”I understand that you are upset about dad and x,y,z attending, but they are invited. We are really looking forward to having you all there to celebrate with us”.
if she threatens to not attend because your dad and his family are attending, I’d say “it is really important to fi and I to have you at our wedding. It means the world to us to have you be a part of our celebration. If you feel you cannot attend because x, y,z will be there, you will be missed”. Repeat as often as necessary.