(Closed) Family Drama

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Hmm…let me see if I understand this correctly; if you decide to have a destination wedding or go on a cruise to get married, are your parents not invited? Are they only welcome to the wedding if they contribute financially?

Post # 4
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I may not state it as an ultimatum.  Maybe just ask if they plan to help, especially since your mom is sparing no expense to pay for your sisters wedding.  Let them know that you and your Fiance have some money to use, but not enough to pay for a big wedding.  That, if you don’t get any help, you may just do a destination wedding or a cruise to make the best use of your money.  If you word it as an ultimatum, that could make them defensive and not inclined to help.

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.  It really sounds unfair.

Just remember, that regardless of who pays for it, or even who’s there, you’re marrying your fiance, and that’s all that really matters.

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I want to have a sit-down with my parents (individually) and let them know that if our wedding is something they want to participate in that we will need them to contribute otherwise we would prefer to take the money we have available and have a destination wedding or go on a cruise.

EEK. I might phrase it differently.
I think it’s highly unfair that your mother is sparing no expenses on your sisters wedding yet have not made a peep about yours. Maybe she thinks you have not started planning yet?

I would say perhaps more along the lines of “We just purchased a home so money is a little tight. Do you think you can help us out a little with the wedding? We would really appreciate it.”

The way you had it phrased sounded almost like a ultimatum. It would make me immediately defensive. Like I had to. Know what I mean?

Side Bar: Does your mom typically favor the other sister? Just saying if this is something that’s always been like this might be a harder battle to fight.

Post # 6
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You can’t give your parents the ultimatum.  It would just be so hurtful for a few bucks.  As frustrating as it may be, you should welcome them with or without money.  I know it’s hard, but lots of ladies on here (myself, for one!) are planning beautiful weddings on $5k.

Post # 7
Member
520 posts
Busy bee

I think it would all be in your wording and presentation.  From what you are stating, you and your fiancee have a child and a home together, so Mom may be looking at the two of you as more financially stable than your sister.  If you are paying for the wedding, the wedding venue/location etc. is your choice.  I wouldn’t pose that to the parents in a way that would be offensive, but a polite conversation on their thoughts, your thoughts…..see where it goes. Best of luck.

Post # 8
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

K8e….I say just go ahead & plan a destination wedding to save $.  If your parents or anyone else asks why you’re not having the “traditional” wedding, say you are trying to save $.

 

Sitting your parents down individually to tell them that if they want to participate in the wedding, they have to contribute —- makes it look like you are waiting for a hand out from your parents or you’re just all about the money they can put towards your wedding.  It kinda looks like you feel like you’re entitled to a chunk of $ for your wedding.  (I know it sucks since mom paid for a lot of nice things for your sister and not for you. I get that w/ my mom, too. But I don’t even say anything. Can never teach a stone to move.) But keep your head held high.  Celebrate your wedding your own way…with or without help from your parents.  If they throw a fit about how it’s not traditional…or why can’t they walk you down the aisle…or whatever else complaints they have…just say: This is our wedding.  We will celebrate it accordingly given our budget.  We will not go beyond our means since having a stable financial standing for our new baby and having a new home is more important for us.  I hope your mom & dad will get the hint and hope they contribute at least something.  If they don’t then, at least, you did this on your own, girl!  Kudos to you!  You didn’t have to be a bratty bride to accomplish the wedding you want!

Post # 10
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

Before making any ultimatums (which will put your parents on the defensive for sure), see if you can talk to your mom about her involvement. Who knows what’s going on? I can think of several reasons why she would be acting this way, some valid and others not so much. I think she’s so focused on your sister’s wedding because September 2011 is a LONG way away. And you just got engaged! Maybe she’ll be more involved after next Nov.

Rather than being upset preemptively, talk to her about your concerns. Try to make it really non confrontational – just say that as you start planning, you’d like to see what she thinks about the event, if she has any strong wishes, etc. Rather than accusing or making assumptions, ask questions: How involved does she want to be? Has she not had a chance to talk to you about your plans because she’s been so busy with your sister? Is she happy for you? Is she happy with the date? Is there anything she’d rather you not do or do differently? And yes, the big one: will she contribute financially? 

The big problem with giving them anything even remotely close to an ultimatum now is that you are acting based on assumptions rather than facts. What if your mom is planning to give you money and attention later, and you are just ruining that by going on the defensive now? Ask the questions first; once you know how she feels about things, make a plan of attack with your fiance. 

Post # 11
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, I would have the wedding when you want and do it on your own dime, even if it is $5000, destination wedding or not.  You get one DAY, not a month and not a year.  Could your mom being paying for your sisters because she will be planning it mostly herself and reliving what she didn’t have?  It’s sad they aren’t treating you like others but if you paid for it yourself, you know YOU get to make all the decisions.  I would never trade paying for it ourselves and doing things our way with having our family doing it and doing what they want.

What about trimming down the guestlist greatly and if your family whines they only get so many people, tell them, it’s $XX amount per person if they would like to pay to include them because you cannot afford any extra.

Post # 12
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I agree with girlwitharing.. maybe she will become involved until after the Nov wedding.

My brother is getting married in October and right now everyone is consumed with that I am positive I will get my time after that though.

Post # 13
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Am I the only one who thinks you should get married before your sister??  If your mom isn’t helping anyway and your sister sounds like a real brat, then just plan your wedding before hers.  Have a nice Destination Wedding on a cruise ship.  And if people attend, great, and if not, oh well!  Sorry but your family sounds flaky and unsupportive!

Post # 14
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

HA! I agree with Mighty… I mean honestly, everyone in your family seems to just be walking all over you and being rather rude and hurtful. I’d go on a Destination Wedding, have a wonderful time and come back married in time for your sister’s wedding. I mean, not to be petty, but seriously, they think they can dictate when you get to get married or who your bridal party is? CRAAAAZY!!! I know we choose not to use the word “Bridezilla” here but darn, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then…

Post # 16
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

Do it! Who cares about your nosy family–tell them you just didn’t want any more wedding stress on your mom… I’m sure they’d get it if they know how she’s acting about your sister’s wedding.

Just be sure that it’s what you truly, truly want. ๐Ÿ™‚

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