(Closed) Family Drama! Advice Needed!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

3 months is more than enough time between your wedding and his. I have no idea why that would matter to you. If it was a month or less, then yes, that is an issue.

Secondly, what did he/she lie about? Their decor? The location? I dont understand. Just because you want to share plans doesn’t mean that everyone is required to. I knew practically zilch about my friend’s wedding and I was in her wedding party. I didn’t know the color scheme, ceremony details, what food they were having… nada till I got there. Some people just dont want to share. And if there is already hurt feelings or drama already building, why would they tell you?

It sounds like you dont want to go. So dont go. But if it were me (and believe me, I have so much drama concerning both my brother and sister), I would go, put a smile on my face, and avoid the bride and groom at all costs. You dont have to be all lovey-dovey. You just have to be present and pleasant. I really dont think that is a lot to ask for. It’s just one night.

Post # 4
Member
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t understand either, and especially why the rest of the family is in on this and ‘still thinking’ about it. HUH? What exactly are you asking?

Post # 5
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

I would still go. He’ll always be your brother and not attending might become a huge regret for you in the future. Also 3 months is more than enough time between the two weddings (for the guests). 

Post # 6
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

“and it hurts my feelings that people will be forced to choose between mine and his.”

I can never quite wrap my head around this concept. I go to 3-4 wedding a season depending on the year and I have never said well, let me only pick one wedding in a year.

If you don’t go it’s your loss. You will never have much of a relationship between your brother and SIL if you don’t show up on their wedding day. And I still don’t understand what happened that it so bad that you don’t want to attend? Have they done something to you other than having their wedding 3 months from yours? It sounds like you just don’t like them and therefore are looking for an out. You may regret it years from now when you don’t have any type of relationship with your brother or nieces and nephews, if they decide to have children.

Post # 7
Member
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

I just went back and read your other post, and the biggest problem is your Future Sister-In-Law and brother stealing your whole wedding plan, but doing it 3 months before you? Funny. Someone claiming to be a Mom just posted the same thing a few days ago…

There is really nothing you CAN do, except change your own plans or just deal with them as they are. Being annoyed is one thing, but ignoring them altogether is something completely diffferent. How would YOU feel if the tables were turned?

I think you need to put on your big girl panties and go the wedding.

Post # 8
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This may sound harsh, but wives come and go. One of my brothers has been married numerous times and always to people the family isn’t fond of. The wives may stay or they may go, but he will always be my brother. Just go to the wedding. Suck it up, know you have done no wrong to him, smile and know you did the right thing. 

Post # 10
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I can understand your being upset. Any non-local family/friends would have to make 2 trips a few months apart…I’d have enough trouble making one trip financially let alone 2! And to steal your wedding plans on top of it seems mean.

I guess you have a big choice to make…and honestly it sounds like you have alreadyade it really but want it to be ‘easy’. These choices are never easy…I had to walk away from my sister 2 years ago for very good reasons that I won’t go into here…I needed to do it for me and my kids but it was still one of the hardest things ever.

Post # 11
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MissGoldenArches:  Was there drama between your family and him and Future Sister-In-Law before they were engaged?

As for the engagement party, our friends threw us one before we had a date picked out. When anyone asked, we would tell them that we were working on it. Oops. But I’m glad we got to celebrate our engagement anyways, even if nothing was official yet.

Post # 12
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I think you need to, as you said, put on your big girl panties and go. It’s one night. I realize you don’t want to go, but the repercussions of not going are greater than if you do. They can always hold this against you- “you didn’t even come to our wedding.” I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this family drama, but you have the opportunity to be the bigger, better person- do it!

I agree with other bees that 3 months isn’t an issue. FI’s family has wedding in April, July, and August this year- no one’s saying “If we go to Rebwana’s, we can’t go to the August one.”

Post # 14
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MissGoldenArches:  Oh boy. That is a pickle. But part of me still thinks that you need to suck it up and go. It is none of your business what he did since it did not directly effect you. Your bro made a mistake, a horrible one, but he is going ahead with a wedding.

Post # 15
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree mostly with everyone. I think you should attend. But I think that you need to have a one-on-one with him. Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you are finding it difficult to accept his new bride in your heart but your love for him will help you accept her. Whether it is true or not. This will get him thinking. He is a man, and men sometimes need to have things spelled out. 

About it being a financial burden, I agree with you. Everything is expensive. If a family member wants to help by offering you money, they will have to chose between his and yours. But this is inevitable at this point.

I say keep things more secretive from now on. Just keep showing to them how happy you are. 

You also need to go to the wedding. Or this may haunt you for the rest of your life.

Post # 16
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry, I still don’t get it…you say the date thing doesn’t matter, but what you’re really upset about is that they didn’t update you every step of the way? They don’t have to. It’s not your wedding. They under absolutely no obligation to tell you, or anyone else, a darn thing, unless those people are paying for it.

Fiance and I planned a destination wedding, then a wedding in one city, then a wedding in another city but a different venue….we must have had 7 different plans before we settled on one. We certainly weren’t being evasive or lying to anyone…I also haven’t told anyone what I’m doing for flowers, or food…because I want people to be surprised! And because plans change and then people will wonder why it’s all different.

From what you say it sounds like you’re really just mad they’re getting married before you in a similar venue. If that’s what it is, while I don’t agree with it, own how you feel and just say that.

Also, if you don;t go, you will completely end your relationship with your brother. From what you’ve said, I don’t think it’s worth it, but it’s your decision that only you will have to live with.

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