Post # 1
Ok so I really hope that this doesn’t come out all wrong but I need some advice Bees. My Fiance and I have been engaged since August 2011 and have our wedding planned for June 2013. Now we are having a small ceremony of only around 55 of our closest family and friends with a much larger reception.
I bit of back story on this…..I met my Fiance through his sister (My MOH), who I had met through their cousin. (we shall call her C). Now C and her long term partner have always been on our guest list as she is my FI’s cousin and we had originally decided that we didn’t really want too many children at the ceremony. The reason for this was that our church is quite large with a really high ceilling, every sound that is made echoes through the entire building and because we are having a small ceremony our guests will only take up the first few pews. We decided to have a flower girl which meant that we could no longer say we would rather people didn’t want to bring children which was fine as at the time all of our guests who would have brought them all have children over the age of 6. Well the problem is this… C announced that she was pregant at the end of last year and she is due to have her baby next month. This means that the babay will be just one year old. I got a text from her saying oh I hope our baby will be invited to the wedding. I didn’t know what to say so I said Yeah I guess that he would. She plans to only bring him to the ceremony then have her partners parents collect him…. Our church is a 45 minute drive from her home town so that will be 45 minutes travelling here to sit in a church for an hour then a 45 minute drive back again, all dressed in a full Scottish kilt (her choice not mine) at the age of 1, in the middle of summer. I have no problem with her brining him but I am really really concerned that if he cries it will echo through the whole church and ruin the ceremony, by the time she was to get from her seat to the exit at the back of the church, what we say will have been missed, and if she were to sit at the back of the church she would hear nothing and would be so far away from the rest of the guests.
I would never ever tell her she could not bring him as that is unfair, but her Mum, My FI’s Aunt has now been telling people ” If that baby doesn’t get to go then I wont be going”! I was really hurt by this and think it is completely out of oder for her to say that. Especially when neither my Fiance nor I have ever said that he would not be invited. Yes we have voiced our concern about the crying, echoing, long journey for a young child etc but never said outright it is a no.
I am getting myself upset about this as there is still over a year until the wedding and the drama has started already! It isn’t the first instance either. We had a whole lot of drama from the same people TWO DAYS after getting engaged about what tartan my Fi HAD to wear.
Am I being out of line here bees? Please help 🙁
Post # 3
I think ith your wedding being so far off, it might be best to just quit talking about it with others for a while and when they bring things up just reply “We are still working out the details” or “We are still early in the planning stages, and have a lot of time to decide”. Sometimes the fewer people involved in the planning, the easier it is.
Post # 4
@Ej88: why would babies need to come to the wedding?
I don’t understand her thinking. Babies crying and interrupting the ceremony is such a distraction, and annoying. Also if you invite her baby,who knows who else wil lwant t obring their baby. Your wedding isn’t a daycare…they should just pay for the sitter and go with it.
I would drop this for now: So much can change and hopefully one of those things will be her mind by then. 🙂
Post # 5
You should have not have told her no because it may cause great issues if you back out now. It really doesn’t make sense to me that she would take him to the ceremony and get it picked up for babysitting to enjoy the reception. I don’t get it but you have time and perhaps later on tell her due to the church your plans have change as it was early in the planning when she asked.
Post # 6
your wedding is over a year away. i agree with pp. don’t discuss it until closer to the wedding. the baby isn’t even born yet. a year from now, she may want a day away from her child.
Post # 7
@Ej88: Right after we got engaged, my sister started stressing about baby sitters for the wedding, what arrangement was I going to make for her kids, she needed to know now. The wedding wasn’t for a year and baby sitters weren’t even close to being on my radar. MrsMeNow’s answers of ‘we’re still in the planning stages, we have lots of time to decide’ is definitely the most diplomatic way of putting them off. You never know, that child may well be the most well behaved one year old you’ve ever met and you won’t have any issues!
What I learned was that the babysitter was the #1 important thing to my sister because her kids are her #1 important thing. I got really annoyed by how often she pressed it on me, but eventually I just was very upfront, told her I understood how imporant it was, and that it would be taken care of but likely not until a couple of months before the wedding once the venue and hotels had been booked, etc. Just be firm and try to be diplomatic for as long as you can 😉
Post # 8
I would do what pp suggested and stop discussing plans and just make them.it’s never nice to be given an ultimatum and that would get my back up as well. Just politely say we have already said he’s invited and drop it. They can’t argue if your not. They feel it’s a family ceremony and don’t want him excluded. Just have your fi mention to his brother that if the baby cries will someone please take him out. Babies cry and honestly if he does it’s not the end of the world!
Post # 9
Thanks for the imput guys… really appreciate it. We haven’t really been discussing it with anyone more than once when we were with my Maid/Matron of Honor and Fi’s Mum. MY Maid/Matron of Honor asked what was going to happen with the baby and we said that we can’t exactly tell her that we don’t want her to bring him but we were worried. FI’s mum said we definately could’t tell her not to as it would cause so much trouble and we did say at that point that we have plenty of time to discuss it. This was at Christmas time and we haven’t discussed it since. It was last night wilst on the phone to my Maid/Matron of Honor that she mentioned what had been said while she was in the room. It seems that the other members of the family have been discussing ourr wedding plans without us, which I guess is normal. I guess I just wanted to vent a bit and check that I wasn’t over reacting. I agree that I don’t understand her thinking as she wouldn’t be paying for a sitter as it would be the baby’s Grandparents from his Dad’s side that would be taking him. I kind of expected there to be drama but not this early!
The only people we are discussing any plans with are FI’s parents, Maid/Matron of Honor, Bridesmaid and my Aunty and Uncle who are stepping in of my parents. I just don’t want things to escalate as we booked all of the big things in the wedding (venue, church band &photographer) so that we could enjoy planning our wedding. Not deal with this stuff. 🙁 Thanks again for the advice though ladies. It’s really appreciated.
Post # 10
@bricon @bakerella thanks loads! Really helpful. We are trying to keep as many details of the wedding a secret (other than those on a need to know basis) so that the day is a surprise and nice for everyone involved. It is actually FI’s younger cousin that wants to bring the baby. Not that it makes a difference 🙂 xx
Post # 11
Also, it’s ok to ask that the child be taken out of the church if s/he starts to cry. It’ll disrupt the ceremony for a few seconds, which isn’t a big deal in the scheme of things.
Post # 12
This may or may not help but i attended my Fiance cousins wedding at a catholic church and had to leave the hall or chamber because of my child, i was mortified but as a parent it happens. Luckily i discovered there was a room for just this occasion that had a large glass wall that was SOUND PROOF. I hope you are lucky enough to have one of those in your church as it solved the issue of me wanting to see the ceremony and my daughter being verbal.
Post # 13
I understand your concern, and its amazing when your planning a wedding what small details can cause such stress, i attended 2 weddings last year with my young daughter, one she was fine at and the other she got a little loud. So i took her outside, its the respectful thing to do whilst a wedding is going on, so if they insist on taking the baby hopefully they’ll also do the same thing. Good luck.
Post # 14
Oh, sweetie. That sucks. My best advice is to take her aside and talk to her about it. Take her to lunch, fuss over the baby if he’s with her or obsess over photos if he’s not. Ask questions about what time he naps, if he sleeps through the night. Let your cousin know you care about her baby-and her!-but that you do have concerns. Mention the baby being uncomfortable, again mention the long drive and such. Is she breastfeeding or will he not eat well for someone other than his parents? That could be the case and she doesn’t want to make you feel obligated to invite him. And when you mention the sound, add that you’re concerned the echo might distress the baby even more. From the sound of your church, I’m guessing the echos can be pretty loud. Who knows, maybe your future cousin in law will suggest for herself that she sit in the back or near a close exit. If not, gently broach the subject, but be sure to let her know how important it is that she be there with you when you say your vows. As for the aunt? Ignore her. She seems like a person who loves drama. And the planning? Only involve your parents and your fiance’s parents and those who know you best.
And if you still don’t want children, you can always have the exeption of those babies still dependent on their mommies-that is to say, one year and younger. Then call the mommies and let them know that, for their comfort, you’ll set up a special pew in the back, maybe even specially marked/have a special decoration, for their own comfort, in case of dirty diapers, crying, ect, they can make a quick escape. I’m sure that they don’t want their baby interupting the ceremony any more than you do 🙂 And you can alway request that children of certain ages are requested not to attend-with clever wording in your invites.