- 10 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
Hi everyone, I’m new and looking for some advice because I’m at my wit’s end here…
A little back story: My fiance and I have been together for almost 10 years (we started dating in my first year of university, so the long time doesn’t bother me), and we got engaged in 2009. We were supposed to get married in May of last year, but about six months before that, my fiance and my mother got into a huge blow-out. I should say that we had been living in Europe for two years together just before this, and had just come back home so we were living with my parents while we found a place to live and got jobs. But basically, my mother was trying to parent my 30-year-old fiance and boss him around the whole time we were living there (and me too), and he couldn’t stand it anymore. It came to the point where my fiance blew up at my mother, they had a screaming match, and then didn’t end up talking for almost a year. (In this time my fiance and I moved back to Europe.) They’re both stubborn, and expected the other person to apologize. At this point, my parents wanted nothing to do with my fiance and wouldn’t support us getting married, and they were angry at me for staying with him and “letting him” speak to my mother that way.We postponed our wedding because everyone in our families were at odds with each other by this point.
Anyway, we’re at the point now where my fiance finally wrote a long apologetic email to my mother, and they spoke once briefly, and that’s it. Of course, this isn’t good enough for my mother, who expects him to beg for forgiveness.
Point is, I’m really really tired of waiting for everything to smooth over… I would have thought that after A YEAR of dragging this out, maybe everyone could be adults and forget about it… but no. My fiance is guilty of this also. But I want to get married and start a family, and I’m already 30 – I don’t want to wait anymore.
My fiance would be happy for us to go to the city hall here tomorrow and get married there, but I don’t want to give up my dream wedding just because everyone’s mad at each other 🙁 Especially since we were in the middle of planning it back home when all of this happened, and have already dumped a bunch of money into deposits and things.
I don’t know what to do here… It’s a delicate situation for me. My family is Italian, and it’s ALL about the family… my fiance “disrespected my family” and it will apparently take them a long long time to get over that, so I’m supposed to take their side (so they say). They can’t figure out why I would even want to marry someone “who treated my family this way”. On the one hand, I totally don’t agree with how my fiance handled his problems with my parents – lashing out at them was wrong, when he never tried to actually talk to them first about anything… but I also think that my parents were very out of line for the way they were behaving while we lived there, trying to dictate everything we did.
I should mention also that things are fine otherwise between my fiance and I – we love each other very much and have started a great life together overseas. Although I do have some resentment towards him for instigating this blow-up (and causing me to have to postpone our wedding), I also understand why he did it. We are working through this together. But otherwise, when it comes to just he and I, things are great.
So should I just set a date and hope they come? It would break my heart if my parents weren’t at my wedding, or helping me to plan things. Should I wait it out and see if things get better? But I’ve already waited over a year now… Oi.
Anyway, if anyone could shed some light on this, I would really appreciate it. Sorry this was so long!