(Closed) Family Drama- help!

posted 8 years ago in Family
  • poll:
    Have two weddings, one for each family : (2 votes)
    6 %
    Invite both families, and deal with the bad blood for the next few years : (24 votes)
    73 %
    Something else (and I'll explain below) : (7 votes)
    21 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    745 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    elope, invite everyone and whoever comes comes.  if that’s not something you want to do, you need to have a heart to heart with both parents and say this is your day, and they need to put their own problems aside for one day to make you happy.  Make it clear to your family that this is YOUR DAY and despite anything they think or want, it’s what you want and that’s it.

    Post # 5
    Member
    745 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I’ve made a lot of hard decisions that have pissed off a lot of my family members.  I am at a point where I don’t care what they think.  This is what I want, and if they don’t want to be there, then they are the ones missing out.  It’s tough…I know…but you need to do what is right for you and your sanity.

    Post # 6
    Member
    928 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Ok so I definitely think that the idea for 2 weddings is completely ridiculous. You should do whatever you want to do and remember that it is YOUR day. If you want to invite your dad then do it and if you don’t then don’t. Don’t let anyone push you around and bully you into inviting these people or not inviting those people. It’s YOUR guest list and you should invite whomever and how many ever you want.

    Honestly, I’m not really sure about if I would invite my dad or not but I do think that just not telling him is kinda rude, even if there is bad blood and a rocky past. The point is that you’re talking to him now and you obviously are ok with that and your relationship or you wouldn’t be talking with him. However, I wouldn’t invite his family since you’re not close, you never even met them and again, it’s not your dad’s day, it’s yours.

    Whatever you decide to do, make sure you’re firm and tell your family that this is what’s happening and that’s that and if you’re too immature to handle it, don’t come. If they love you, they’ll get over it (no matter how much they might b***h).

    Emotionally, I know this must be really hard on your because this is your wedding day and you want it to be special and have the people you love celebrating with you and happy, too. Just hang in there and take charge.

    *hugs*

    Post # 7
    Member
    248 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Does your father have any specific suggestions about his family, like “Cousin A really wants to get to know you, she’s about your age”, or “Uncle B is my favorite brother and it would mean a lot if you two could get to know each other”.  Because if he just wants you to invite everyone for his sake then that’s stupid, frankly.  A wedding is not a place to meet people or re-connect with people who otherwise aren’t in your life.  But if there is someone in his family who wants a better relationship with you, you could start by meeting them for lunch the next time you’re over there, and see if that develops, then invite that person and their s.o.  The equivalent of a mass mailing, though, sounds like more stress than it’s worth. 

    I wouldn’t have two weddings but you could have a party in his hometown, more low-key than a reception, just a party celebrating the marriage.  And your mom’s idea about just not telling your dad is pretty cruel, if you have any relationship at all.  I think you’re right that if they can’t both be happy, they can both be miserable, but keep in mind that you’re not making them miserable, they’re choosing to do it to themselves with their silliness.  Man, I don’t envy you!  Good luck, and keep your eye on the prize ie your fiance!

    Post # 8
    Member
    790 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I would say have your wedding and invite who you want. They need to realize this is your wedding so they will have to put aside their feelings for 1 night. Lots of families have theses problems and manage to overcome them I think you will have to have a talk with the both of them

    Post # 9
    Member
    5823 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I would tell your stepdad that no matter what, you will ALWAYS have another father.  That’s just how it is.  And that man will be invited to the wedding.  It’s no slight against how good he’s been to you.  You love him and appreciate how much he has been part of your life.  But you have other family that you respect and love and want to be part of your wedding day.

    Tell your dad that you are glad that you have become closer, but that his absence came with consequences.  And one of those consequences is that you don’t know his side of the family, and you don’t want them at your wedding.

    Tell your mom that you are NOT having two weddings.  You are having ONE wedding and everyone can suck it up for ONE day and act like adults for YOUR sake.

    My DH’s mom was all up in arms because his dad was there with his stepmom.  She said something to my mom about how upset she was at having to see him.  My mom told her straight up: “Suck it up.  You only have to be happy for your son for ONE DAY.”  I love my mom!!

    Post # 10
    Member
    7975 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I’m on the elope boat too. 

    But I’d say one wedding over two, if those are your only viable options. Tell everyone very straightforward – “This is my wedding. I am inviting everyone who I care about. If there is someone in attendance with whom you do not get along, just cordially do not speak to that person, and move on. If you cannot find it in your heart to let your joy for my marriage overcome your hard feelings from stuff that happened 30 years ago, then it would be best if you did not come.”

    Post # 11
    Member
    7385 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Tell them to grow up and put their crap aside for one day.  Don’t have two weddings.

    Post # 12
    Member
    453 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    i agree that they need to deal with these issues for your sake…but if i were in your position, i’d go to vegas. =)

    most imortantly, do what you want to do! no regrets!

    Post # 13
    Member
    937 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I think the other bees have given you some great advice, and I agree with them.

    The idea of two weddings is absurd- especially considering the fact that YOU did not cause any of this family drama, but are now the one being burdened with it. If I were you, I would point this out to your parents, who seem to be the ones giving you grief about it. Whatever rift happened in your family, the divorce, etc- was not caused by YOU. These were all grown adults making decisions, which had consequences, and now they want to stick YOU in the middle of this mess, and force you to choose, etc, on one of the most special days of your life? NO!

     Tell your family that if they can’t get their s*it together for your wedding day (and the events leading up to the wedding), that you will be forced to either elope or simply not invite them. No one is asking them all to link arms and go skipping off into the sunset together- but- for your sake- they need to grow up and act like adults, just this once. This day isn’t about them- it’s about YOU.

    Good luck! 🙂

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    137 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    it’s your wedding– if you want to invite them both then do it– it’s your day– you can invite anyone you want to invite– they should all be grown up enough to be civil for your wedding. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    2090 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    Hugs to you! You know the old saying “you can’t please everyone” – well, this is one of those times. No matter what you do – someone will be angry/hurt/etc. So, I think you should do what you and your fiancé want to do, and I (personally) think you should just have one wedding.

    I think your family members should be able to suck it up for one day and all act like grownups. If they can’t, then they won’t attend, and they will have to deal with how they regret that in the future. No one is saying that your mom has to be best buddies with your dad the day-of, they don’t even really need to speak to each other. They just need to both realize that is isn’t about THEM, and that there is certainly more at stake than their feelings (however justified those angry feelings towards each other might be).

    Good luck!

    Post # 16
    Member
    98 posts
    Worker bee

    I agree with everyone else.  For the reception, sit them on opposite sides of the room so they won’t see each other the whole night.  As far as your dad’s family goes, if you don’t know them, don’t invite them.  Have your dad organize a family gathering if he wants you to get to know them.

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