Post # 17
Thanks, everyone! This does make me feel much better. I think you’re all right- I just need to tell them to grow up, and deal with it. If they’re unhappy about it now or their unhappy about it later, not my problem. I’ll definitely seat them away from one another, and they can each ignore the other during the entire day. Thanks!
Post # 18
planning the wedding YOU want, not either side of the family…just be realistic that there might still be drama, but just decide how you want it, then kindly point out it’s your wedding, and you want them to support XYZ
I said ‘both’, but I definitely do NOT think you need to invite relatives you’ve never met!
Post # 19
Hey, I just saw your post.I am going through the SAME THING with my family and i wanted to tell you the option my fiance came up with. It may help you…maybe not…but i wanted to talk to you because I know how hard it is. Everyone tells me that it’s my day and everyone else will deal with it and suck it up…but it’s A LOT more sticky than that. I just want everyone I love to be in the same room and I don’t think it’s going to happen. TRUST ME…many sleepless nights got me to this point.
ABOUT ME (the short version):Mom married dad. Divorced when I was 3. Mom married step-dad. Divorced when I was 20. I’m very close to all three. I have brothers and sisters (2 from dad’s marriage) and (2 from mom and step-dad’s marriage). Mom hates ex-husbands. Ex-husbands hate mom. All siblings are minors so if one parent chooses not to come…then siblings would not be there at my wedding.I love them all (and maybe i’m selfish) but I want to see all of the people I love on my wedding day.Fiance comes from a happy home. He’s the only child. He thinks this is ALL CHAOS.WHICH IT IS.
ANYWAY, I spent all day today crying and feeling sorry for myself and finally my fiance suggested a brilliant idea. We’re getting married in Daphne, AL (near the beach) on a VERY limited budget.
THE WEDDING WE WERE PLANNING: VERY small (under $5,000…110 people). Church. Reception at sunset. TONS AND TONS OF TENSION BETWEEN MY FAMILY (if they even showed up).
SOLUTION: We’re having TWO WEDDINGS in ONE DAY. We’re having a sunrise wedding (with my mom’s side of the famliy and wedding party) and a sunset wedding with my dad’s side of the family!
THE SUNRISE WEDDING will be on the beach (very inexpensive and, honestly, what my fiance wanted to do from the beginning. All we’re doing is having the hotel (we’re staying in) put out the chairs, and we’re hiring an officiant. We’re thinking about cake (in cute, to-go baggies) as favors. It will be VERY simple. NO reception. Beach attire. I’m wearing a sun dress and veil and doing my own makeup. I’m having my mom walk me down the isle so she feels special. It sounds tacky but the beach is SUCH a beautiful setting that we might just be able to pull it off. We’d take pictures afterward and part ways….
THEN the wedding party would head back to the hotel for a well deserved nap. About noon we’re going to be getting ready for the SUNSET WEDDING!
THE SUNSET WEDDING…Dad’s side of the family and Step-Dad’s family.We’re holding it in the church I grew up in, an hour before sunset. It’s going to be more formal. It’s going to be very traditional. We’re having the reception at sunset where we will get all of our pictures taken with my dad’s side of the family. We’re only doing a 4 hour reception (because it’s going to be such a long day and we’ll be ready to hit the road to the honeymoon)!
I really want to know opinions on this…It sounds good in theory but It’s SO HARD to talk to people who don’t understand. Everyone thinks that it’s WAY too much work and i’m going to put my wedding party through hell. What do you think? Is it even legal to have two weddings? Do yo think we’re thinking too much about everyone else? Have you thought of any solutions to your problem?
Post # 20
This day is about YOU and your Fiance, not your mom, not your dad and not about the bitterness between everyone. They can either suck it up and come or don’t come- it’s their decision…they can be adults for 8 friggin’ hours. They don’t even have to interact. It will be SOOOO much work to have more than one wedding and it will all be on you. Not worth the stress to me.
Post # 21
My parents are getting divorced currently and I’ve had to make up some rules for the wedding which have honestly upset my mom a little, mostly because she’s in denial about the reasoning behind this whole thing. My dad likes the rules.
- No dates whatsoever. I’m not ready to see my parents with people and I honestly do not like the man my mom decided to have an affair with.
- If either one creates drama beforehand, they will not be invited. I don’t want to have to deal with it on my wedding day.
Sometimes you just have to let your family know what is important to you and they need to deal with it. If you really want your dad there, then let him go. They’ve been divorced long enough that they should be able to quietly hate each other from across the room, no problem. If you don’t want to invite your dad’s side along with him, then don’t. You don’t know these people and they don’t care to contact you at all. I would suggest not doing the father-daughter dances unless it’s very important for you to have that stuff. Basically it’s completely up to you as to what you wish to do.
Post # 22
I have a lot of family drama too. Very similar story to yours, except I am not comfortable with my dad being at the wedding because he is so bitter towards my mom still. He is making things so difficult for me! To echo others, I think you should invite the family you want there, and then if your dad would like to host a bbq/party in his home state for his side of them family, then do that. Is he contributing to the wedding?
Post # 23
OMG elope, even if it is to somewhere just down the road, swear anyone you really really want to go to complete secrecy and just do it!. and get your parents onto DR phil, this has to be doing your head in. surely they could pull their heads in for 2 secs to see they are only hurting you!!!!
Post # 24
Glad you seem okay with the one wedding option. It is your day, and I would hope that they all (as ADULTS) could put aside the drama for one single day so that their DAUGHTER is happy. Definitely not too much to ask.
Post # 25
DUMB idea: two weddings.
Sorry, no offense but that’s pretty messed up on your mother’s part — Is she thinking about you or herself???!!!
And when people are dramatic they are being self-centered. As family, they should stop and think about you and the fact that you’re getting married. And as someone posted, they should suck it up at the one wedding. In other words, they need to grow up.
Unless having two weddings was your idea and something you’d really like to do (and some people do) why should you go through it all twice? After all, this is not like two any parties. Getting married, having a wedding brings up all sorts of stuff for a bride (and groom) — positive and negative, and is a major change and life event. Again if this were YOUR idea and you felt good about it,, that’s one thing. But when you’re pressured/forced? Uh-uh. You don’t want to look back at your getting married with mixed feelings.
The only way I’d tell you to go through with it is if you think there is a real risk of your one wedding day getting ruined. Then if I were you I might do what it takes for that not to happen. You want a beautiful day, it’s your wedding.
I guess it depends upon how much drama you are willing to put up with.
Thanks, sorry, I tend to get pissed off at family ruining things for their son/daughter. 🙂