(Closed) Please delete, thank you

posted 3 months ago in Family
Post # 2
47 posts

That’s pretty rude of them :(. What do you think it’s about? Is it just that they are the kind of people who aren’t aware of social norms or is it meant to show dislike to you? It sounds like the former in which case I’d chalk it up to bad manners but what can you do? They are who they are. I don’t know that it’s worth bringing up. 

Post # 3
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Could they be planning to give their gifts at the wedding itself? 

Also, you’ll get jumped on a little for this post, just a head’s up: it’s not their responsibility to pay for YOUR wedding. You’re an adult; you and your fiance are the only ones responsible. You don’t know their financial situation, you shouldn’t be entitled, if your family wants to contribute that’s their decision but has nothing to do with other people’s decisions, etc., etc. That’s what Bees are going to say to you, so let’s just get that out of the way now. 

Post # 4
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

[Couldn’t edit the first post.]

Also, you seem more involved than you need to be about what your family thinks about your fiance’s family. If your family has a problem with it, that’s their issue. You don’t need to make that your problem. You’ll have to deal with these people for a while, so just figure that they’re clueless and let it go. Your parents can grumble and be snooty on their own time. 

Post # 5
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

I feel like the most vital fact is missing from this post…what’s their financial situation like? Have either of them been hit by the pandemic crisis?

I think some people also just have more traditional notions than others. Maybe they saw it as having f their presence there was their way of supporting you rather than a gift. 

Post # 6
2411 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Honestly I would just let it go.  If they can’t figure out that it’s rude to attend a shower without bringing a gift (I mean it has to be a little awkward for them), it wouldn’t be the hill I would die on.  Keep your expectations low when it comes to gifts from his family for all occasions.

Post # 7
1517 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

OP, you need to seriously pause and listen to yourself. What you’re saying literally boils down to, “I did not get a gift or a card at an optional party in my honor, and I am upset.” 

Gifts are not tit for tat. Your parents paying for the wedding is not relevant. You don’t know what the finances of your in laws are. You got multiple unnecessary parties during a global pandemic, and your focus is on gifts and cards. They showed up. Your MiL wants to help with centerpieces. Not everyone shows appreciation with gifts. Be more gracious.

You seem like a generous, gift giving person, but you should never expect gifts. That’s called being entitled.

Post # 8
3869 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Let it go. How exactly would a “talk” even go? Is someone going to confront them and demand a gift? Inform them of their inconsiderate behavior in not even getting a card so that they know better for next time? Likely not, and if that’s the case, there’s no reason to stir the pot. Just assume that you will not be getting gifts from them.

It sucks, and you’re allowed to feel hurt, but now you can appropriately adjust your expectations for them so you can avoid disappointment in the future. 

Post # 9
47445 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

His family is different than yours. End of story. They are just as entitled to their ways of celebrating events, as your family is to theirs. The only thing you can do is get used to it.

Post # 10
526 posts
Busy bee

Many people are in bad financial shape because of COVID. And others might be prepping just in case, which is a smart choice.

Try not to judge them just because they’re not making the same financial choices as your parents.

Post # 11
962 posts
Busy bee

So here’s the good news, your parents and your Future In-Laws are interacting a lot throughout wedding planning, but after that there really doesn’t need to be any relationship between them, so it doesn’t really matter what your parents think of them. There’s not even a word for two sets of in-laws because there’s no required relationship. 

I would be hurt too and it seems really graceless – do they give you or your FH gifts ever (Christmas, birthdays, etc). What’s your relationship with them like otherwise? I think a little context here would be helpful 

Post # 13
6170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

I would not bring it up to them; this could just be the way they are. I wouldn’t expect a wedding gift either, just be happy that they’re around. If your parents can’t handle being the ones paying for the wedding without getting crusty about your in-laws NOT contributing, then it’s probably best you pay for your wedding yourselves. 

Post # 14
7817 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
@kd412:  To my parents it’s very important to them to contribute, they feel it’s a way to show their love and support, and they do struggle to understand what they percieve to be a lack of interest from his side. 

That is your parents’ issue. Try to not let it be your issue. Not every family shows their love and support through money. If they weren’t interested they wouldn’t be attending events and offering to help with centerpieces. 

Post # 15
1643 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply

In response to your post (quoted below for context), a gracious host does not expect gifts. Moreover, it might be your social norm, but it’s not clear that it is a social norm for your inlaws to give gifts before the wedding. Finally, they have no obligation to contribute to the wedding and may view it as an unnecessary expense.

“Hi everyone. I’m more just needing to get this out than anything else. My wedding is five weeks from today. We had our bachelor and bachelorette parties last night (small and socially distanced) and my mom and grandma threw me a very sweet bridal shower today. My future mother in law and one of my future sister in laws came, but did not bring a gift, not even a card. I noticed and am hurt. My family noticed and is livid. It’s not about the cost, I just would have appreciated the gesture. I hosted a baby shower for his other sister, planned it, made the food, and still also got gifts for her. At that shower my family also gave a very nice gift and no one received even a thank you note. I brushed it off but my family is very traditional and was very offended. 

This kind of thing has been an issue for us since we got engaged, particularly financially. My parents are traditional and we’re grateful they offered to pay for the wedding. But my fiancé’s parents have not contributed anything, which I know bothers my family that they haven’t even acknowledged or asked if they can help in certain ways (although his mom wants to help me with centerpieces which is sweet). 

I’m now debating what to do next, especially if I should tell my fiancé or just let it go again. It’s not about the gift itself, even just a nice card would have been great. But the fact that they not only didn’t get anything but came to the shower and didn’t acknowledge it is not going to go away in my family’s memory, and is just another factor in awkwardness between the too sides. I’m just bummed.”


Thank you for the comments, I’ll try to hit the main points. First of all, I don’t think I was clear enough in that WE DO NOT feel entitled to any financial assistance from anyone, it was offered by my parents and we accepted. No one has asked his and no one will. But that doesn’t change the fact that my family is bothered by the fact that they haven’t offered to help in any way. We’ve had conversations (my family and I) that their family just has different beliefs and expectations than they do and that that’s not a bad thing. To my parents it’s very important to them to contribute, they feel it’s a way to show their love and support, and they do struggle to understand what they percieve to be a lack of interest from his side. 

On their thoughts on each other, of course I can’t control it but it bothers me. We both love our families and are close with them. We’d love nothing more than to be able to host holidays, etc. with everyone someday and it bothers us both that we know they may not have the best opinions of each other. While we know everyone will be pleasant, it’s awkward and unfortunate if it stays this ways. 

Covid has not impacted their finances, and again that’s not the point. What bothers me is the lack of gesture again. I know they are aware that gifts are the norm at a shower. Like I said, a card would have been much appreciated and I wouldn’t be feeling this way. I just can’t imagine going to an event where gifts are tradition and not bringing anything, a card or hand picked flowers or something homemade, I’ve done those kinds of gifts before when things were tight. It just feels strange, especially because gifts are the norm in their family for events like this. And no, I don’t think it was pointed (I hope not at least) just last weekend we had everyone over and had dinner and had a great time. I’m friends with his sisters and regularly check in with his mom, etc.”

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